“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.6): Dignity 1, Tyra 1, Fans 0 

 
 

Annaliese, who is totally becoming Tyra’s goody-goody stooge in the interviews lately, says that AzMarie is being disrespectful and too serious. Annaliese, they’ve already branded you with the “television presenter” mark. You are cursed. You’re not winning. Quit sucking up and refuse the tooch! It’s your only hope. 

OK, are you ready for the kind of comedy that will make you weep softly and call loved ones just to try to find some scrap of good left in the world? Let’s do this. 

Tyra says that to show how to do the booty tooch, (WE JUST SAW LAURA DO IT TWO WEEKS AGO, FOR CHRISSAKES! JUST PUSH YOUR BUTT OUT A LITTLE BIT!) she has to show how not to do the booty tooch. 

If you look down those tracks a few miles, you can see the Comedy Premise train a’ comin’. Comin’ to run us over with laughs. 

Too much butt? The Hoochie Tooch!

Fail to suck your gut in? The Poochie Tooch! 

And then of saying “no” to the bad tooches, Tyra yells “Nooch!” And she makes the models yell “Nooch to the Poochie Tooch!” 

Are you laughing too hard? Do you need a glass of water? Hey, that’s MY windowsill! Hang off your own. 

Pursing your lips while you tooch? Smoochie Tooch! 

And then, oh, crikeybollocks, brace yourselves. Maybe bite down on a leather strap. 

Looking like you’re taking a dump is a “Dookie Tooch.” And then, I swear to God, Tyra makes them do a step show routine while chanting “We don’t want a dookie tooch.” 

Holy bangers and b–gers. Well played, AzMarie. As happy as she was to be out of there on that day, she had to be laughing her non-enhanced butt off while she watched this episode. 

And then the models learn the standard Booty Tooch. 

Alisha says “AzMarie missed out big time,” because she knows Tyra “is going to be looking for them tooches in the music video, and I know she ain’t going to know them.” Alisha! YOU JUST STICK YOUR BUTT OUT A LITTLE. 

Tyra shows the Side Tooch, and there is a shot of everyone’s butts. I am half expecting her to show the “Erosion of Women’s Suffrage Tooch.” Which she probably only avoided because it didn’t have enough “oo” sounds. Do you really need to hear about the Goochie Tooch and the Juicy Tooch? Well, now you have. 

“The American girls really know how to, like, pop their bums,” says Catherine, and we all feel a surge of national pride. 

Tyra knows the models are broken now, and so in a clear violation of Geneva Convention rules she makes them do the Smize Dance. It is horrific. 

Everyone talks about AzMarie not tooching like she didn’t do her final Social Studies paper instead of deciding not to do an incredibly stupid and humiliating thing. I am disgusted with these models. Where is their fire and spirit? They seem to have scooched them up their fake tooches. 

Tyra waves her hands in front of her face and says it is the “universal sign for smizing.” She doesn’t even crack a smile when she says it. Someone, please, I beg you: Say “no” to Tyra! It’s for her own good! 

The “dance” involves walking back and forth while doing the smize motion. Kind of like if you were trying to keep gnats away from only one side of your face. How will AzMarie possibly learn it in time? 

Sophie loses all the affection she ever had from me in one paragraph: “The teach with the tooch was really handy. Before Tyra taught me to tooch, I couldn’t tooch. And now I think I tooch better than before with my tooch. Tyra taught me well to tooch.” 

And she also taught you to lie. 

The models butt dance a little before going home. 

Modelland!

The Americans work hard on choreography to catch AzMarie up on the exhausting day they’ve had. 

Eboni says AzMarie has “realized the impact of her not participating,” and as she says it, she speaks exactly like Lily Tomlin’s Edith Ann character. I guess she’s really working on that “30 Never” thing. 

The Playhouse Nightclub! 

Time to shoot a video! Jay Manuel is here! So are their mentors! Snoozy Tooch. Jay advises the teams that they shouldn’t let the other country outshine them. A treasure trove of knowledge as always. 

We learn that the Americans’ song is “Stop, Drop, N Tooch” and the Brits’s song is called “We’ll Mash You Up.” This is already not fair. 

Hair and Makeup! And then let’s shoot Team U.K.’s video! 

Sophie looks fun and drunk! Annaliese is a ball of energy! Catherine is slinky and has really been thinking about the wide variety of ways they have learned to stick their butts out a little! Alisha says where she’s from, people turn to crime, drugs or pregnancy, so she’s glad to be here! 

Overall, the U.K. girls are together. The Americans are immediately not. Alisha notes that Laura and Kyle are not speaking, which could be hampering them. But the biggest problem is Kyle, who is not a great dancer and only makes two expressions: dead face and eyes bugged way out. All the Brits hilariously imitate her. 

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