This is a recording studio, and Laura says she is blown away and grateful to even be in such a place. Wow, how often do you hear that on this show?
Lisa gives some sort of intro, but I can’t pay attention to it because she keeps self-consciously gesturing with her hands and seems to be wearing a little green radiator on one of them. I guess the studio will be nice and toasty. She says that she helped write these songs, and when you hear them, you will think, “Yes, that is entirely plausible.” Also a CBS producer named Tom Polce is there and gets to be on camera for a second because he might be doing some of the heavy lifting here.
The teams have chosen their names, “Fiercely British” and “United Sirens of America.” If you need to lie down on the floor and give in to despair for a little bit, no one will judge you.
Sophie will give you the strength to lift up your head a little bit by suggesting the name “Sophie and the Others,” but that is all.
Oh, s–tbonnets, the “Pot Ledom” thing is back from last season. It’s Tyra’s cool “viral” thing, which makes me wonder how she learned about stuff going viral on the Internet to her and what key points she missed. So “Pot Ledom” is this super secret intriguing thing that has to be in all Top Model videos, only Tyra doesn’t actually like things you have to try to figure out for even one second, so each video also has to have the words “Top Model backwards” immediately after that so you know what it means. Are you back on your despair floor? Me too. It’s soothing down here. And so very solid.
Annaliese says the Brits like the Pot Ledom thing, “We’re all about it.” Shut up, Annaliese.
So the models are all rapping about themselves because of course they are.
Annaliese is comfortable, Catherine is slinky in a sort of good way, and Sophie is adora – WAIT! Tyra knows! Sophie is not adorable! Kick her off immediately! Whew. Had to use a little esrever ygolohcysp there.
Anyway, Sophie is girly and cute, and Alisha seems to do well too. The Brits love each other!
It’s time for Team USA, and Kyle is nervous because the UK girls were really good.
Kyle starts the team off like a ball of fire by… Um… She sounds like she’s maybe doing a late-night chat line commercial, without the sexy? Or maybe you’d like to enroll in technical school? Something like that. Laura still hates Kyle.
Producer Polce tries to give Kyle direction for a few takes and then says “That’s just who she is, and we’re gonna roll with it.” That’s the right attitude. You won’t catch him on the despair floor, no sir.
Seymone doesn’t care for the word “ain’t,” and I could see where you might get ticked off if someone wrote it for you. Everyone thinks Laura is sexing up her vocals, and Eboni is… Not great at it, and knows that, and seems OK with it.
And now, AzMarie, our rock, who is… What are you doing, AzMarie!? She seems to be trying to push through this Afternoon of Music She Does Not Care For by… I don’t know. Putting on a character? Or something. She’s wearing a hat and sunglasses so she can better dissociate, and she’s making her voice go up really high and nasal, and it’s freaking everyone the f–kcrumpet out. If there is one thing we could count on this cycle, it’s that when AzMarie wants to be good at something, she is. Normally I would trust AzMarie to land a plane if an emergency came up, but this is… This is weird, and it’s giving everyone the heebie-jeebies.
Annaliese, getting a little Enraged Good-Girl steam on, says that it’s almost like AzMarie wasn’t taking the challenge seriously. Duh. And then Annaliese says it was almost like she was “taking the biscuit” out of the challenge. Does anyone really tone down that phrase to “taking the biscuit?” I’ve only ever heard of “taking the piss” out of something. Or “whinging the t–tbonnet.”
Lisa thinks the U.K. girls are ahead! But, hey, there’s still the choreography to go, and the shooting of the actual videos.
Millenium Dance Complex!
And speaking of complexes, here comes Tyra!
She is wearing bright yellow leg warmers on her arms. I don’t know why. No, wait, it’s worse. They’re connected at the back by a tiny strip of fabric. Either Tyra has managed to shrink only the torso of her sweater, or she is wearing rogue sleeves.
She also classily has the words “BOOTY TOOCH” written across her butt. She also refers to booty tooching as an “art.” Michelangelo starts frantically trying to claw his way out of his grave just so he can try to get the word that covers painting and sculpting changed to something else.
Oh, heavens, brace yourselves. It is time for a wacky comedy interlude. I guess someone noticed that “teaching” the “booty tooch” takes exactly as long as it takes to say “push your butt out a little bit,” so they’ve added some comedy stylings as filler.
No, lying on the floor in despair isn’t enough for me anymore either. I’ve been hanging out the window by my ankles, breathing the cool night air and letting the despair wash over me like overproduced mass-market songs. And, hell: If I fall, I fall.
Someone, somewhere, just decided to hell with everything, and as a result, Tyra brings out “training tooches,” which seem to be little harnesses with fake butts on them and more shorts that say “BOOTY TOOCH” on them.
It’s worth having a good DVR here, because if you really use the pause button, you can see the exact nanosecond when AzMarie is done with this ridiculous show.
She says that the butt gear is “taking away from being androgynous,” and by “being androgynous,” she means “all human dignity.”
Tyra does a butt inspection and notes that AzMarie is not wearing her training tooch, and AzMarie wins 80,000 bonus points in self-restraint heaven for not saying “Damn skippy I’m not, you lunatic.”
Tyra sends AzMarie out of “the teach.” Do we not call things “lessons” anymore? I’m asking Tyra an ask.
Sophie notes that by saying the butt harness destroys her street cred, AzMarie is putting down all the girls who went ahead with it, and she’s putting down Tyra.
Why, yes. Yes, she is. Anybody leaving Team AzMarie? Didn’t think so.
AzMarie is not so much broken up by her dismissal, saying, “I’m a grown-ass woman. I don’t have time for that s–t.” And that is when I stopped hanging by my ankles and came in and stood on my sofa and applauded. Because a time comes when the dignity of the human spirit has to make a stand against the cruel and seemingly unstoppable forces that buffet us about and try to make us wear butt harnesses.
AzMarie’s stand is like Oedipus taking his destiny into his own hands, except instead of poking her eyes out, she refuses to puff up her butt. In its own way, it’s just as moving. Thank you. AzMarie. Thank you.