“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.6): Dignity 1, Tyra 1, Fans 0 

Lisa D’Amato is here! Winner of last season’s Top Model All-Stars! I’m sure she does a bunch of other stuff too! Lisa tries to be extra cool and shouts — or it sounds like she shouts, because it cannot possibly be true — “I need all you hussies to come down now!” Super bad-ass cool-girl phrasing! I can’t wait until she calls down the trollops and the doxies! And, really, Lisa, do we need to use old-fashioned slut-shaming words with the models? Is that a kickass reclaiming you’re attempting, like with “queer,” or are you just under the impression that it’s cool to imply that all these women must be having lots of sex, but have absorbed enough patriarchical discomfort with women’s control of their own bodies that you also believe it’s wrong to — 

I’m sorry, was I just trying to discuss complex social issues with Lisa D’Amato? You’ve got to slap me when I start doing that. 

Annaliese notes that Lisa is known for being kind of a lunatic — somehow the editors of her wacky montage missed the incident from her original season when she peed into a diaper on camera – and wonders what hideous thing they are going to be forced to do. 

Holy f–kbiscuits, it’s… 

Music Video Week!

Because that’s what models do! Sing in music videos! It’s really something that should be encouraged in every single case! And once again, I would like to say a cheery hello to my friends who have been wasting their time doing things like learning how to read music or sing. How are you enjoying the show? 

Kyle deadpans that one of the prizes this cycle is a single, so she definitely has to step it up. Because “within the span of a reality competition” is enough time to become a respected solo artist. Hey, musical friends, HEY. Stop smashing your guitars into things. Save it for your music video after you get a little modeling under your belt. 

We see snippets of Lisa’s “I Be Like Whoa” video, which is, in a weird way, sort of fun. 

 

 

OH, GOD! I had completely blocked out the part where Tyra decided that the one thing that could make every model’s video better was more Tyra. “Should we give her a little more – ” “CUT TO ME!” 

Anyway, Lisa is cruel, because she lets the models think they’ll get their own videos long enough to get excited about it, and then announces that they will actually be doing team videos. And then, a stunning surprise! The teams will be… Wait for it… You’ll never guess… The U.K. girls vs. the U.S. girls! Whoever would have thought?!

Apparently nobody tipped Lisa off that we’ve done this the last 3,000 times, because she announces it like it’s a massive surprise. The models vaguely try to play along. 

Each team gets a mentor! The Brits get Nadine Coyle, of Girls Aloud. I am completely unfamiliar with her work, so I can just enjoy her truly marvelous accent. 

The Americans get… Oh, f–ktrifle, one of the Pussycat Dolls. Lisa D’Amato, can we talk about how a group of interchangeable women singing to men about how their girlfriends aren’t as hot and raw enough is damaging to the very young women they – ow! 

Thank you. Anyway, her name is Jessica Sutta, and I think we should have her compete with Tyra Banks in a Young Women Damage-Off. 

The models are delighted that they can listen to music on their [product placement] phones! I’m pretty sure the models don’t get to use cell phones much during the show, so this is some seriously messed-up model tormenting. You could use this device to call your loved ones! But in fact all it will do is play music tracks co-written by Lisa D’Amato! Myoo hoo hahahahaha! 

The Pussycat Damage says that when you’re in a girl band, you have to have your own thing that makes you stand out. A PhD in political science from Oxford? I’m pretty sure that’s what she means. 

AzMarie mentions that she has some experience with music and has written ten of her own tracks. Of course she has. She mentions that she is not crazy about the girl band thing, and says she wouldn’t even be in a boy band. 

The U.K. girls feel united, like maybe they could win this one! Group hug! 

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