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“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.6): Dignity 1, Tyra 1, Fans 0

Last Time!

Tyra had her minions hack into my e-mail account and discover which model I adored the most, and thus Ashley was eliminated. 

The teaser for this week blows almost everything interesting about this week’s episode, and so we will stand firm in ignoring it. 

Modelland!

Another USA win, this time for Eboni. Once again we see a big shiny box and not so much what is in it. Sorry your product placement fell through, Tyra! The Americans do their best to look stoked about some tiny white bags, while Team Brit can’t even really muster up disappointment. 

…Except for Alisha, who looks like she maybe is genuinely ticked off. She holds up a handwritten sign in confessional that says “I’M NOT TALKING UNTIL I’M PICTURE OF THE WEEK.” Then it briefly looks like she is misquoting and misspelling Saki, but in fact the producers have over-blurred the concluding phrase “F–KSAKE.”

We’ll assume that’s a Britishism, like how you call the trunk of a car the “boot,” and a truck a “lorry,” and an elevator a “s–tcarriage.”

Poolside, Laura is still bumming about her friend dying, which, yeah. We find out that her friend gave her a stuffed bear, Alan (Allen?), which Laura of course has in a cherished place in her room. But has she taken the precaution of mentioning that what looks like an ordinary stuffed animal is in fact of great sentimental importance to her?

Alas, Laura has not. 

Sophie, in what is clearly a completely different time frame, impishly grabs the bear and makes like she’s going to throw it into the pool, and Laura goes full Medusa with tears and wild hair. Sophie dangles the bear over the pool and Laura threatens her with death. Laura grabs the bear away and Sophie doesn’t quite let go in time, and the bear’s ear rips off and Laura is not OK with this. Even though it is clear that a line has been crossed to the point where everyone else is frozen, Annaliese drops the ear into the pool. Way to jerk, Annaliese.

Kyle, who, let’s face it, will not be winning any Young Physicist awards this year, “tries” to “get” the ear by sort of padding at the water next to it with her foot. Because you are not Kyle, you have figured out that this actually produced little ripples that pushed the ear away. 

However, having Zaprudered the footage of the incident several times now, I agree with Laura’s theory that Kyle is really just kicking the ear away.

Laura, however, immediately loses the goodwill of all sensible human beings by saying in her interview, “As the ear dropped into the pool, Kyle pushed it away with her foot, and it was as if Kevin was being pushed away from me, and there was nothing I could do to get him back.”

No, Laura. No. I like you, and you are a smart cookie. Please do not describe future incidents of plush toy mutilation in terms like this ever again. The sentence you want is “The bear obviously meant a lot to me and Kyle was being a t–tcricket,” Which would have been to the point and absolutely true. It’s that kind of simple, straightforward phrasing that will get people on your side in times of distress. 

Anyway, the ear is floating away and there is no possible way that anyone can think of to retrieve it. 

Models: Pools have nets near them! And can even be jumped into in a pinch! No sharks or anything! Remember when you were skinny dipping that first night? Don’t you think a gesture of goodwill, after horseplay gone wrong, would be to risk some water on your skin and clothes? Oh, never mind. 

Laura crystomps away, leaving her cherished bear and ear behind. (The Bear and Ear, by the way, is a wonderful little pub in Edinburgh, right next to the Rasping Prawn.)  

With her above-average Modelland social skills, Sophie has deduced that maybe this can’t just be an ordinary toy to Laura, and feels genuinely bad. She feels like a complete c–kspanner. 

Credits! And Back to Modelland! 

Oh, hi, Seymone, I forgot you were here. She sums up the drama between Laura and Kyle, and rightly says it’s a misunderstanding (of each other’s levels of upsetness), but fails to mention that Kyle was, in fact, being sort of a d–kloo. 

Oh, dear, Laura has retreated to crying in bed, which, while maybe an overreaction to this particular incident, I kind of get. If her best friend died and she’s been trying to suck it up and model through it, I can see where she might hit a stress-filled day when a particularly difficult pickle jar lid might be the thing that set her off to finally getting the Big Cry in, let alone a bunch of models ripping up a stuffed bear that that very friend gave her. Laura says Kyle is disgusting and wants nothing to do with her. 

Kyle, who does not have Sophie’s social skills and, frankly, may not have the average howler monkey’s social skills, reaches deep into the most empathetic part of her soul and declares Laura a psychopath. Wasn’t Kyle fighting with Sophie just a week or two ago and also threatening to leave the house because people were unfairly (and accurately) pointing out that Kyle was poised to do really well even though she sucked? Just checking. 

Laura says that Kyle is dead to her, but she could just be referring to Kyle’s face and delivery any time she says anything. 

Lisa D’Amato is here! Winner of last season’s Top Model All-Stars! I’m sure she does a bunch of other stuff too! Lisa tries to be extra cool and shouts – or it sounds like she shouts, because it cannot possibly be true – “I need all you hussies to come down now!” Super bad-ass cool-girl phrasing! I can’t wait until she calls down the trollops and the doxies! And, really, Lisa, do we need to use old-fashioned slut-shaming words with the models? Is that a kickass reclaiming you’re attempting, like with “queer,” or are you just under the impression that it’s cool to imply that all these women must be having lots of sex, but have absorbed enough patriarchical discomfort with women’s control of their own bodies that you also believe it’s wrong to – 

I’m sorry, was I just trying to discuss complex social issues with Lisa D’Amato? You’ve got to slap me when I start doing that. 

Annaliese notes that Lisa is known for being kind of a lunatic – somehow the editors of her wacky montage missed the incident from her original season when she peed into a diaper on camera — and wonders what hideous thing they are going to be forced to do. 

Holy f–kbiscuits, it’s… 

Music Video Week!

Because that’s what models do! Sing in music videos! It’s really something that should be encouraged in every single case! And once again, I would like to say a cheery hello to my friends who have been wasting their time doing things like learning how to read music or sing. How are you enjoying the show? 

Kyle deadpans that one of the prizes this cycle is a single, so she definitely has to step it up. Because “within the span of a reality competition” is enough time to become a respected solo artist. Hey, musical friends, HEY. Stop smashing your guitars into things. Save it for your music video after you get a little modeling under your belt. 

We see snippets of Lisa’s “I Be Like Whoa” video, which is, in a weird way, sort of fun. 

OH, GOD! I had completely blocked out the part where Tyra decided that the one thing that could make every model’s video better was more Tyra. “Should we give her a little more — ” “CUT TO ME!” 

Anyway, Lisa is cruel, because she lets the models think they’ll get their own videos long enough to get excited about it, and then announces that they will actually be doing team videos. And then, a stunning surprise! The teams will be… Wait for it… You’ll never guess… The U.K. girls vs. the U.S. girls! Whoever would have thought?!

Apparently nobody tipped Lisa off that we’ve done this the last 3,000 times, because she announces it like it’s a massive surprise. The models vaguely try to play along. 

Each team gets a mentor! The Brits get Nadine Coyle, of Girls Aloud. I am completely unfamiliar with her work, so I can just enjoy her truly marvelous accent. 

The Americans get… Oh, f–ktrifle, one of the Pussycat Dolls. Lisa D’Amato, can we talk about how a group of interchangeable women singing to men about how their girlfriends aren’t as hot and raw enough is damaging to the very young women they — ow! 

Thank you. Anyway, her name is Jessica Sutta, and I think we should have her compete with Tyra Banks in a Young Women Damage-Off. 

The models are delighted that they can listen to music on their [product placement] phones! I’m pretty sure the models don’t get to use cell phones much during the show, so this is some seriously messed-up model tormenting. You could use this device to call your loved ones! But in fact all it will do is play music tracks co-written by Lisa D’Amato! Myoo hoo hahahahaha! 

The Pussycat Damage says that when you’re in a girl band, you have to have your own thing that makes you stand out. A PhD in political science from Oxford? I’m pretty sure that’s what she means. 

AzMarie mentions that she has some experience with music and has written ten of her own tracks. Of course she has. She mentions that she is not crazy about the girl band thing, and says she wouldn’t even be in a boy band. 

The U.K. girls feel united, like maybe they could win this one! Group hug! 

The Village!

This is a recording studio, and Laura says she is blown away and grateful to even be in such a place. Wow, how often do you hear that on this show? 

Lisa gives some sort of intro, but I can’t pay attention to it because she keeps self-consciously gesturing with her hands and seems to be wearing a little green radiator on one of them. I guess the studio will be nice and toasty. She says that she helped write these songs, and when you hear them, you will think, “Yes, that is entirely plausible.” Also a CBS producer named Tom Polce is there and gets to be on camera for a second because he might be doing some of the heavy lifting here. 

The teams have chosen their names, “Fiercely British” and “United Sirens of America.” If you need to lie down on the floor and give in to despair for a little bit, no one will judge you. 

Sophie will give you the strength to lift up your head a little bit by suggesting the name “Sophie and the Others,” but that is all. 

Oh, s–tbonnets, the “Pot Ledom” thing is back from last season. It’s Tyra’s cool “viral” thing, which makes me wonder how she learned about stuff going viral on the Internet to her and what key points she missed. So “Pot Ledom” is this super secret intriguing thing that has to be in all Top Model videos, only Tyra doesn’t actually like things you have to try to figure out for even one second, so each video also has to have the words “Top Model backwards” immediately after that so you know what it means. Are you back on your despair floor? Me too. It’s soothing down here. And so very solid. 

Annaliese says the Brits like the Pot Ledom thing, “We’re all about it.” Shut up, Annaliese. 

So the models are all rapping about themselves because of course they are. 

Annaliese is comfortable, Catherine is slinky in a sort of good way, and Sophie is adora — WAIT! Tyra knows! Sophie is not adorable! Kick her off immediately! Whew. Had to use a little esrever ygolohcysp there. 

Anyway, Sophie is girly and cute, and Alisha seems to do well too. The Brits love each other! 

 It’s time for Team USA, and Kyle is nervous because the UK girls were really good. 

Kyle starts the team off like a ball of fire by… Um… She sounds like she’s maybe doing a late-night chat line commercial, without the sexy? Or maybe you’d like to enroll in technical school? Something like that. Laura still hates Kyle. 

Producer Polce tries to give Kyle direction for a few takes and then says “That’s just who she is, and we’re gonna roll with it.” That’s the right attitude. You won’t catch him on the despair floor, no sir. 

Seymone doesn’t care for the word “ain’t,” and I could see where you might get ticked off if someone wrote it for you. Everyone thinks Laura is sexing up her vocals, and Eboni is… Not great at it, and knows that, and seems OK with it. 

And now, AzMarie, our rock, who is… What are you doing, AzMarie!? She seems to be trying to push through this Afternoon of Music She Does Not Care For by… I don’t know. Putting on a character? Or something. She’s wearing a hat and sunglasses so she can better dissociate, and she’s making her voice go up really high and nasal, and it’s freaking everyone the f–kcrumpet out. If there is one thing we could count on this cycle, it’s that when AzMarie wants to be good at something, she is. Normally I would trust AzMarie to land a plane if an emergency came up, but this is… This is weird, and it’s giving everyone the heebie-jeebies. 

Annaliese, getting a little Enraged Good-Girl steam on, says that it’s almost like AzMarie wasn’t taking the challenge seriously. Duh. And then Annaliese says it was almost like she was “taking the biscuit” out of the challenge. Does anyone really tone down that phrase to “taking the biscuit?” I’ve only ever heard of “taking the piss” out of something. Or “whinging the t–tbonnet.” 

Lisa thinks the U.K. girls are ahead! But, hey, there’s still the choreography to go, and the shooting of the actual videos. 

Millenium Dance Complex!

And speaking of complexes, here comes Tyra! 

She is wearing bright yellow leg warmers on her arms. I don’t know why. No, wait, it’s worse. They’re connected at the back by a tiny strip of fabric. Either Tyra has managed to shrink only the torso of her sweater, or she is wearing rogue sleeves.

She also classily has the words “BOOTY TOOCH” written across her butt. She also refers to booty tooching as an “art.” Michelangelo starts frantically trying to claw his way out of his grave just so he can try to get the word that covers painting and sculpting changed to something else. 

Oh, heavens, brace yourselves. It is time for a wacky comedy interlude. I guess someone noticed that “teaching” the “booty tooch” takes exactly as long as it takes to say “push your butt out a little bit,” so they’ve added some comedy stylings as filler. 

No, lying on the floor in despair isn’t enough for me anymore either. I’ve been hanging out the window by my ankles, breathing the cool night air and letting the despair wash over me like overproduced mass-market songs. And, hell: If I fall, I fall. 

Someone, somewhere, just decided to hell with everything, and as a result, Tyra brings out “training tooches,” which seem to be little harnesses with fake butts on them and more shorts that say “BOOTY TOOCH” on them. 

It’s worth having a good DVR here, because if you really use the pause button, you can see the exact nanosecond when AzMarie is done with this ridiculous show. 

She says that the butt gear is “taking away from being androgynous,” and by “being androgynous,” she means “all human dignity.” 

Tyra does a butt inspection and notes that AzMarie is not wearing her training tooch, and AzMarie wins 80,000 bonus points in self-restraint heaven for not saying “Damn skippy I’m not, you lunatic.” 

Tyra sends AzMarie out of “the teach.” Do we not call things “lessons” anymore? I’m asking Tyra an ask. 

Sophie notes that by saying the butt harness destroys her street cred, AzMarie is putting down all the girls who went ahead with it, and she’s putting down Tyra. 

Why, yes. Yes, she is. Anybody leaving Team AzMarie? Didn’t think so. 

AzMarie is not so much broken up by her dismissal, saying, “I’m a grown-ass woman. I don’t have time for that s–t.” And that is when I stopped hanging by my ankles and came in and stood on my sofa and applauded. Because a time comes when the dignity of the human spirit has to make a stand against the cruel and seemingly unstoppable forces that buffet us about and try to make us wear butt harnesses. 

AzMarie’s stand is like Oedipus taking his destiny into his own hands, except instead of poking her eyes out, she refuses to puff up her butt. In its own way, it’s just as moving. Thank you. AzMarie. Thank you. 

Annaliese, who is totally becoming Tyra’s goody-goody stooge in the interviews lately, says that AzMarie is being disrespectful and too serious. Annaliese, they’ve already branded you with the “television presenter” mark. You are cursed. You’re not winning. Quit sucking up and refuse the tooch! It’s your only hope. 

OK, are you ready for the kind of comedy that will make you weep softly and call loved ones just to try to find some scrap of good left in the world? Let’s do this. 

Tyra says that to show how to do the booty tooch, (WE JUST SAW LAURA DO IT TWO WEEKS AGO, FOR CHRISSAKES! JUST PUSH YOUR BUTT OUT A LITTLE BIT!) she has to show how not to do the booty tooch. 

If you look down those tracks a few miles, you can see the Comedy Premise train a’ comin’. Comin’ to run us over with laughs. 

Too much butt? The Hoochie Tooch!

Fail to suck your gut in? The Poochie Tooch! 

And then of saying “no” to the bad tooches, Tyra yells “Nooch!” And she makes the models yell “Nooch to the Poochie Tooch!” 

Are you laughing too hard? Do you need a glass of water? Hey, that’s MY windowsill! Hang off your own. 

Pursing your lips while you tooch? Smoochie Tooch! 

And then, oh, crikeybollocks, brace yourselves. Maybe bite down on a leather strap. 

Looking like you’re taking a dump is a “Dookie Tooch.” And then, I swear to God, Tyra makes them do a step show routine while chanting “We don’t want a dookie tooch.” 

Holy bangers and b–gers. Well played, AzMarie. As happy as she was to be out of there on that day, she had to be laughing her non-enhanced butt off while she watched this episode. 

And then the models learn the standard Booty Tooch. 

Alisha says “AzMarie missed out big time,” because she knows Tyra “is going to be looking for them tooches in the music video, and I know she ain’t going to know them.” Alisha! YOU JUST STICK YOUR BUTT OUT A LITTLE. 

Tyra shows the Side Tooch, and there is a shot of everyone’s butts. I am half expecting her to show the “Erosion of Women’s Suffrage Tooch.” Which she probably only avoided because it didn’t have enough “oo” sounds. Do you really need to hear about the Goochie Tooch and the Juicy Tooch? Well, now you have. 

“The American girls really know how to, like, pop their bums,” says Catherine, and we all feel a surge of national pride. 

Tyra knows the models are broken now, and so in a clear violation of Geneva Convention rules she makes them do the Smize Dance. It is horrific. 

Everyone talks about AzMarie not tooching like she didn’t do her final Social Studies paper instead of deciding not to do an incredibly stupid and humiliating thing. I am disgusted with these models. Where is their fire and spirit? They seem to have scooched them up their fake tooches. 

Tyra waves her hands in front of her face and says it is the “universal sign for smizing.” She doesn’t even crack a smile when she says it. Someone, please, I beg you: Say “no” to Tyra! It’s for her own good! 

The “dance” involves walking back and forth while doing the smize motion. Kind of like if you were trying to keep gnats away from only one side of your face. How will AzMarie possibly learn it in time? 

Sophie loses all the affection she ever had from me in one paragraph: “The teach with the tooch was really handy. Before Tyra taught me to tooch, I couldn’t tooch. And now I think I tooch better than before with my tooch. Tyra taught me well to tooch.” 

And she also taught you to lie. 

The models butt dance a little before going home. 

Modelland!

The Americans work hard on choreography to catch AzMarie up on the exhausting day they’ve had. 

Eboni says AzMarie has “realized the impact of her not participating,” and as she says it, she speaks exactly like Lily Tomlin’s Edith Ann character. I guess she’s really working on that “30 Never” thing. 

The Playhouse Nightclub! 

Time to shoot a video! Jay Manuel is here! So are their mentors! Snoozy Tooch. Jay advises the teams that they shouldn’t let the other country outshine them. A treasure trove of knowledge as always. 

We learn that the Americans’ song is “Stop, Drop, N Tooch” and the Brits’s song is called “We’ll Mash You Up.” This is already not fair. 

Hair and Makeup! And then let’s shoot Team U.K.’s video! 

Sophie looks fun and drunk! Annaliese is a ball of energy! Catherine is slinky and has really been thinking about the wide variety of ways they have learned to stick their butts out a little! Alisha says where she’s from, people turn to crime, drugs or pregnancy, so she’s glad to be here! 

Overall, the U.K. girls are together. The Americans are immediately not. Alisha notes that Laura and Kyle are not speaking, which could be hampering them. But the biggest problem is Kyle, who is not a great dancer and only makes two expressions: dead face and eyes bugged way out. All the Brits hilariously imitate her. 

Jay says Kyle struggled with the choreography and her “sense of belonging” and I can’t hear him because I just saw AzMarie’s costume. She’s wearing a black and white dinner jacket and a thick haze of awesome. 

Kyle is worried that she sucked hard enough to make the group lose, and AzMarie goes to her says the group looked good overall and Kyle shouldn’t worry because “we lifted you up.” Very comforting. 

Jay says AzMarie is talented, but her ego is out of control. Which it is clearly not on this shoot, so I’m guessing a little bird wearing leg warmers on it’s wings just might have tipped him off to be pissy in that regard. The Stoolie Tooch. 

Jay says this, verbatim: “In the world of fashion, your attitude will spread like a brushfire. And then no one will touch you, no matter how great you are.” 

Yes, that’s what I hear about supermodels all the time: It’s only the ones who are charming and easy to work with who make it to the top. 

Here’s the thing: Doesn’t Tyra really aim this show at teenage girls? Is the lesson that “any authority figure should tell you how to modify your body, and you should just go along with it” really one she wants to teach? Ow! You guys, I wasn’t even talking to Lisa! 

Kyle continues to suck, and Jay helpfully does that thing where he tells someone who is choking that they’re going to ruin everything and makes them choke more. Laura would like Kyle to go home, thanks, so suck away! Jay says Laura is stealing scenes.  

Tyra Mail! 

Only one will continue on! AzMarie looking skeptically at the screen. I think she was maybe hoping for a photo shoot she could rock to make up some ground. Kyle is scared, and rightly so. 

The Brits think they’re all going to stay, and Annaliese says they’re going to be pissed if they don’t win. As they should be. Even the quick shots of the American video reveal that it’s going to suck pretty hard. 

Judging Panel! 

We see the videos! “Stop, Drop, and Tooch” is really bad, and they’re trying to hide the fact that Kyle is bad, so they end up with some seizure-inducing lighting. Everyone claps like that wasn’t embarrassing.

Nigel likes Seymone and Tyra says she’s not cartoony enough, because of course she does. Laura’s kind of fun and great, but Nigel tells her not to be too crazy and forget the pretty. Speak for yourself, Nigel. 

Nigel sees a lack of commitment with AzMarie, which, yeah. Kelly Cutrone says her vocals are weird, which is also entirely correct. AzMarie apologizes for the tooch teach. Tyra will never forgive her ever. 

There are mixed reaction to Eboni. Kelly Cutrone says she wished Eboni had grabbed her ponytails and robot-danced more, which is an incredibly bizarre and specific note. But that’s the kind of wisdom you can dispense when you’re a legendary PR maven. 

Kyle was meh. We know this. 

Time for the Brits! OK, yes, the Brits were better in many, many ways, but this isn’t entirely fair. Their song is way better. The American song is a lasagna where the layers are mediocre and awful. 

Which is not to say that there is no awful involved in the Brits’ song. Exhibit A, this lyric: “We tooch high, we tooch low/your Yankee tooch is too slow.” 

Yes, they’ve all been singing about sticking your butt out the entire time. SPOILER: That’s also the surprise ending to Citizen Kane

The judges love Catherine and her smizing and tooching. Sophie is a bombshell. Tyra says she can’t dance but looks great. Alisha looks fantastic and really pops on camera. They love Anneliese, but being good on television cannot help her: They’re going to knock her out because she’s a TV presenter to them, and no amount of sucking up will help her. 

Judges! 

Kelly Cutrone defends Kyle. We get an odd cut of opinions about Seymone. Everyone dogpiles on AzMarie, not because she stopped being amazing for 30 seconds, but because she refused to put on an artificial butt and everyone got all uncomfortable because they began to suspect that maybe artificial butts are, in fact, really stupid. And maybe that means the show is stupid… PULL BACK, PULL BACK, CALL AZMARIE A JERK AGAIN! 

Kelly Cutrone is still looking for a catchphrase and still thinks it’s witty to say other people’s rhymes on camera: “She’s a boaster a coaster and I think it’s time to toast her.” 

I feel sad, because I’m pretty sure Kelly spent some time working that out on index cards before the show. “Ghost her? Host her? Post her? DAMMIT!” 

Everybody loves all of the brits, but Kelly is sure to stick the TV presenter knife in Annaliese’s back. Careful, judges. Don’t kill off the self-serving interstitial goose too soon. 

The Brits Win! 

Best Photo: Alisha! 

Runner up: Sophie! 

It comes down to the two we’ve known for about 45 minutes: Kyle and AzMarie 

Tyra admits that AzMarie is really good at modeling and everything about modeling that they had to do. But she wouldn’t humiliate herself on national television. Kyle has been sucking so hard that the Dyson company keeps sending her e-mails asking if she’ll just drop by the research and development department for a few days, but did I mention that AzMarie refused to humiliate herself on national television? 

This week’s obsolete model 

AzMarie 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Aw, f–kpudding. Well, sure, what better way to legitimize a competition than to kick off its acknowledged best competitor. 

Good luck, AzMarie. You did Team LezBiModel proud. Remember: Anyone can win by a nose. You can stand tall and say you lost by a butt.

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