“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.6): Dignity 1, Tyra 1, Fans 0 

Last Time!

Tyra had her minions hack into my e-mail account and discover which model I adored the most, and thus Ashley was eliminated. 

The teaser for this week blows almost everything interesting about this week’s episode, and so we will stand firm in ignoring it. 

Modelland!

Another USA win, this time for Eboni. Once again we see a big shiny box and not so much what is in it. Sorry your product placement fell through, Tyra! The Americans do their best to look stoked about some tiny white bags, while Team Brit can’t even really muster up disappointment. 

…Except for Alisha, who looks like she maybe is genuinely ticked off. She holds up a handwritten sign in confessional that says “I’M NOT TALKING UNTIL I’M PICTURE OF THE WEEK.” Then it briefly looks like she is misquoting and misspelling Saki, but in fact the producers have over-blurred the concluding phrase “F–KSAKE.”

We’ll assume that’s a Britishism, like how you call the trunk of a car the “boot,” and a truck a “lorry,” and an elevator a “s–tcarriage.”

Poolside, Laura is still bumming about her friend dying, which, yeah. We find out that her friend gave her a stuffed bear, Alan (Allen?), which Laura of course has in a cherished place in her room. But has she taken the precaution of mentioning that what looks like an ordinary stuffed animal is in fact of great sentimental importance to her?

Alas, Laura has not. 

Sophie, in what is clearly a completely different time frame, impishly grabs the bear and makes like she’s going to throw it into the pool, and Laura goes full Medusa with tears and wild hair. Sophie dangles the bear over the pool and Laura threatens her with death. Laura grabs the bear away and Sophie doesn’t quite let go in time, and the bear’s ear rips off and Laura is not OK with this. Even though it is clear that a line has been crossed to the point where everyone else is frozen, Annaliese drops the ear into the pool. Way to jerk, Annaliese.

Kyle, who, let’s face it, will not be winning any Young Physicist awards this year, “tries” to “get” the ear by sort of padding at the water next to it with her foot. Because you are not Kyle, you have figured out that this actually produced little ripples that pushed the ear away. 

However, having Zaprudered the footage of the incident several times now, I agree with Laura’s theory that Kyle is really just kicking the ear away.

Laura, however, immediately loses the goodwill of all sensible human beings by saying in her interview, “As the ear dropped into the pool, Kyle pushed it away with her foot, and it was as if Kevin was being pushed away from me, and there was nothing I could do to get him back.”

No, Laura. No. I like you, and you are a smart cookie. Please do not describe future incidents of plush toy mutilation in terms like this ever again. The sentence you want is “The bear obviously meant a lot to me and Kyle was being a t–tcricket,” Which would have been to the point and absolutely true. It’s that kind of simple, straightforward phrasing that will get people on your side in times of distress. 

Anyway, the ear is floating away and there is no possible way that anyone can think of to retrieve it. 

Models: Pools have nets near them! And can even be jumped into in a pinch! No sharks or anything! Remember when you were skinny dipping that first night? Don’t you think a gesture of goodwill, after horseplay gone wrong, would be to risk some water on your skin and clothes? Oh, never mind. 

Laura crystomps away, leaving her cherished bear and ear behind. (The Bear and Ear, by the way, is a wonderful little pub in Edinburgh, right next to the Rasping Prawn.)  

With her above-average Modelland social skills, Sophie has deduced that maybe this can’t just be an ordinary toy to Laura, and feels genuinely bad. She feels like a complete c–kspanner. 

Credits! And Back to Modelland! 

Oh, hi, Seymone, I forgot you were here. She sums up the drama between Laura and Kyle, and rightly says it’s a misunderstanding (of each other’s levels of upsetness), but fails to mention that Kyle was, in fact, being sort of a d–kloo. 

Oh, dear, Laura has retreated to crying in bed, which, while maybe an overreaction to this particular incident, I kind of get. If her best friend died and she’s been trying to suck it up and model through it, I can see where she might hit a stress-filled day when a particularly difficult pickle jar lid might be the thing that set her off to finally getting the Big Cry in, let alone a bunch of models ripping up a stuffed bear that that very friend gave her. Laura says Kyle is disgusting and wants nothing to do with her. 

Kyle, who does not have Sophie’s social skills and, frankly, may not have the average howler monkey’s social skills, reaches deep into the most empathetic part of her soul and declares Laura a psychopath. Wasn’t Kyle fighting with Sophie just a week or two ago and also threatening to leave the house because people were unfairly (and accurately) pointing out that Kyle was poised to do really well even though she sucked? Just checking. 

Laura says that Kyle is dead to her, but she could just be referring to Kyle’s face and delivery any time she says anything. 

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