“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.5): Things Get Sticky

AzMarie officially looks good doing everything. Holy pancakes. Ashley says she wants to be like AzMarie. “She done hers in, like, seven shots.” 

Seymone seems to do well and Jay says it’s her best shoot so far. 

Sophie thinks Eboni is ignoring Tyra’s advice and being too sexy. 

Judging! 

This week’s guest judge is groundbreaking model Beverly Johnson. Wow, she really didn’t get as much fanfare as I thought she might get. 

Team UK

Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone tells Alisha to model more. Nigel says to use her angles and have fun with it. 

Everyone loves Sophie’s photo but Tyra, who wants more weird. 

(We are still, by the way, pretending that it is totally normal to have photos of leaf-clad women covered in syrup so it looks like they’re sloughing off their alien skins.) 

Catherine booked nothing and breaks down a little in talking about Blerg’s walking clothes hangers comment. Catherine still thinks the fashion world should be logical and non-jerkball, which suggests she’s in the wrong industry. 

Nigel loves the sincerity of Catherine’s photo. So she is sincerely standing there with maple syrup on her face. Tyra loves it and says the best sentence I have heard in weeks: “You are smizing through my soul.” Let’s all use that at our earliest opportunity, shall we? Ideally at the bank. 

Ashley admits that Blerg said her walk was hippy, though at first everyone on the North American landmass thinks she said “happy.” Blerg, you hurt Ashley. Are you proud of yourself? What’s that? You hurt others because you cannot be proud of yourself because you long ago gnawed out your own soul? Let that be a lesson to you, Blerg. 

Nigel looks at Ashley’s shot and says “I’m definitely feeling the maple.” So am I – they let this batch get cold or dry or something and Ashley looks like she has a tropical skin disease. But cute. 

Annaliese looks good and animalistic. The judges hedge their bets by saying she might be a TV presenter. 

Team USA

Laura got booked and unbooked, but was gracious about it. Her photo looks great. Kelly asks her what was up with the hint of sadness and Laura, who knows you don’t get to hide stuff from the judges and still win, spills about her friend dying. Kelly is actually nice about it. The judges thank Laura and like that she’s beautiful and wild, but still vulnerable. 

Kyle gets lots of good props, but I think her photo is the teeniest bit boring. 

AzMarie is wearing MC Hammer pants and dances up to the judges. We haven’t really seen her silly before, and it’s nice. And then we forget because her photo is smizing through our brains. 

Kelly says, verbatim, “Smoldering hot. Boiling hot. Chica, chica, chica, yes. I love it.” I’m glad they’re letting the judges perform original haiku. 

Seymone looks great. Nigel loves it as a beauty shot and Beverly says she knows her body. Eboni booked a ton. Tyra suuuuure hopes her picture isn’t too sexy… And it isn’t! Or it is, but the judges don’t care. I’ve kind of lost the thread and we all know they’re making the rules up as they go. Anyway, it’s a great picture. 

Best Photo:

Eboni 

Runner up:

AzMarie …And we see a new kind of smoldering, because AzMarie is pissed that she’s not in first place. 

Third:

Sophie 

Seymone, Laura, and Kyle get called up, leaving four Brits at the bottom.  

Alisha gets called up and exclaims, “Really? Oh, my God!” because she’s so relieved. Annaliese gets called next and I say, “Really? Oh, my God!” because she is wearing bright green wedges that look like they’re at least four inches high 

Catherine and Ashley are left! 

This week’s obsolete model: 

Ashley 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Eugh. Tyra lets me grow to love the Brits, and then she rips them away. What have I ever done to her? Oh, right. 

Tyra tells Ashley to become a TV presenter, and everyone agrees. Please, please come back to our televisions, Ashley. We won’t subtitle you or anything. 

Next week: 

Sophie throws what looks like a stuffed animal of Laura’s into the pool, prompting what looks like an enjoyable rampage. Plus it’s Pointless Music Video Week! Oh, that will be delightful. Meet me back here and bring your autotune! 

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