“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.4): The Models Get Branded



Kyle is packing. Oh, for crying out loud. Maybe Kyle isn’t really that tall after all and it’s just all her extended drama. AzMarie counsels her against leaving, while Laura is done with this whining-about-quitting nonsense. She’s an astute girl, our Laura. She compares quitting to spitting in Tyra’s face. I don’t think it’s quite that big an offense, but Laura’s visible umbrage will probably serve her well in the competition if Tyra saw that clip.

Candace thinks Kyle should quit dithering and leave already, partly because Candace is worried about being cut, but also, wow, is Kyle being a pill. A scented pill that also whitens your teeth!


J. Alexander is our guest judge, this time in a purple samurai mummy outfit.

Tyra does a singing run while describing the prizes, which, if you weren’t watching the show, is why you suddenly got embarrassed and didn’t know why.

Also, here in Week 4, I have finally processed the information that the official Top Model fragrance is called “Dream Come True.” I hope it’s the one about making out in a hot air balloon and not the one in which I had to beat a serial killer to my car.

Photo time! Sophie has what I think is a fun and lovely high-fashion bend, but Nigel grouses about how she missed the bouncing cars (forever!) and Kelly says she looks pregnant.

Ugh, I know Laura swore up and down that Kelly Cutrone is a slice of awesome with a side of cool, but I really dislike her crabcake persona that’s shaping up on the show. It seems like someone we know should have nailed down a public persona with the producers and sent some quality delectables to the editors. Legendary PR Maven, heal thyself.

Tyra says Sophie hasn’t created enough negative spaces. Sophie makes the exact same expression you just did, but politely pulls it together. Eboni looks great and Tyra calls her a little girl trying to be sexy and says she shouldn’t try that. This show has gone beyond mixed messages and into frappé.

Kelly calls Catherine tense and unsexy. The judges like Alisha’s legginess at panel, but think she went too far with it in her photo. We learn that Miss J. calls toes hanging over the edge of your shoes “baloney and cheese.” If you know why that is, DO NOT tell me.

Nobody likes Seymone’s photo because she’s not committing and Tyra says she looks like someone’s wife in a parade.

Kyle goes up to cuts of eye rolls from the other girls. Her photo looks fantastic Kelly, by way of praise, says Kyle looks like a “nasty power bitch.”

Ashley looks lovely. Candace disappointed everyone, but man, did they pick a terrible shot. Everyone again points out that she always makes the same face.

Laura looks great. Nigel loved taking her picture, and Kelly says she looks like “drunk Mae West.” Whatever. Tyra loves it that she’s for real modeling.

Annaliese accepts criticisms well and Tyra loves that she’s using the muscles in her face. I hope that means there’s a new term to join “smizing” soon. Grimacing with your cheeks? Howling with your eyebrows? OK, yes. My money’s on browling.

AzMarie looks amazing. Duh.

The judges pull some more creepy stuff about Eboni and have decided that her idea of sexiness is working against her. Tyra says she needs to “work baby.” Squick. Ashley continues to be adorable.

Nigel likes Annaliese, but Kelly calls her TV presenter, which is probably accurate. And more lucrative, so get on it, Annaliese! Alisha’s leg backlash continues. The judges worry over Seymone. Is she comfortable in her own skin? Candace bores them. Laura is fantastic and “zagging,” per her superpower. Sigh.

Nigel has to agree that AzMarie looks amazing but complains that she’s “grumpy,” by which he means calm, professional and not a coked-up ball of perk. Uh-oh. It looks like they’re laying the ground work for a classic Top Model crowbar issue – a way to pry out a model who’s taking fantastic pictures by saying there’s something wrong with her personality.  Beware, AzMarie!

Judges, I have my eye on you.

Best photo:


Runner up:

Laura! Team LezBiModel is cleaning up!

Kyle, for the record, is next. Sophie is in the bottom three, which is ridiculous. We come down to Seymone and Candace. Tyra uses “fiercely real” again, which is getting fiercely old. Seymone doesn’t translate her vavoom proportions into good photos! Candace seems mediocre! Who will stay? Who will go?

This week’s obsolete model:


Well, at least she already had the pouty face in place. Tyra counsels her to stop being in her head and be more queenly. Candace decides instead to take a last swing and point out that Kyle has been droning on about leaving the house since about 1978.

No dice! One time Tyra was in Paris and felt like going home too, but wiser heads talked her out of it! Wait, wasn’t she a teenager then? That sounds like borderline child labor and endangerment. Sorry, I meant an inspiring story of model courage and fortitude!

Next week: OH, MY GOD, you guys, they are going to Canada and they are COVERING THE MODELS IN MAPLE SYRUP! They didn’t show the anthills that must be coming, but why would you blow that in the previews?

Oh, I can’t wait. Why can’t next week be here now?! I’ll see you then, assuming I can make it past the focus group.

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