“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.4): The Models Get Branded


Back to Martin!

He talks to them while awkwardly standing at the opposite end of their very long room. Annaliese wins it! She happy catwalks over to the bracelets while Eboni says those diamonds are probably sour and anyway the Americans won a bunch of off-brand product placed clothes before so nyah.

Annaliese does not care. In her moment of triumph, she is toast with butter and Nutella on it.

Back to Modelland and some Tyra Mail!
Finally the cowboy hat makes sense:

“Hang onto your hats and prepare for a bumpy ride.

Fierce and Love,


In the background, one of the models theorizes that they’re going bull riding. Whoever she is, I love her.

Kyle cries on the phone to her mom that it’s hard. Again, she DID WELL. Mom tells her to chill out and sleep on it. AzMarie says it’s stupid to leave before you’re eliminated, but admits that it’s to her advantage if Kyle drops out, so why not. Annaliese has a different shade of that same reaction and wants Kyle to do less crying and more packing up and leaving already.

A desert wasteland!

Oh, all right, it’s Sepulveda Dam. Sophie’s pretty sure this is where they filmed Grease, for which we’ll give her partial credit and an Attagirl.

Nigel and Jay Manuel are there! Along with some bad-ass low riders with hydraulics! Time for a photo shoot! Jay says that “this cycle we are constantly celebrating everything that’s amazing about British and American culture,” which does not so much narrow things down.

Anyway, they’re modeling British hats while being near American cars. Laura is all over it.

Seymone says she’s the only plus-size model in the house, and that she’s fiercely real. She says “fiercely real” twice to make sure Tyra knows that she obediently took the blue pill.

Kyle sits in a makeup chair still talking and saying nothing new. Candace has heard enough and hands her a copy of Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now?autographed by all the other contestants.

AzMarie looks stunning.

Nigel tells her not to make a butch face, but to go ahead and do a butch body. Whatever, it works. Catherine is bendy again and looks good. Alisha is determined not to get dinged for forgetting her “Gamatronica” superpower again, so she’s doing the Angelina Jolie leg show thing and thinking “Legs legs legs face legs.”

In spite of the fact that she drove the entire hair and makeup tent up the walls, Kyle has been issued a knockout cobalt blue gown. She monologues in monotone about how she’s going to start being a sweet Texas girl and start being a bitch. I’m annoyed with her, but she looks fantastic and seems to nail the shoot.

Ashley is adorable and nails her shoot right away. Seymone has no idea what she wants to do and completely loses Nigel. Uh oh. Nigel says Seymone needs to have a game plan because it’s costing them thousands of dollars to have those cars there. It’s not the argumentative tack I would have taken, but then mine hasn’t been focus grouped.

Annaliese spots the fact that Nigel has trouble working with Seymone and heads out to rock the shoot in spite of an enormous sea anemone attacking her head.

Laura mentions the Tyra Banks coined phrase “booty tooch.” Smart girl. She also looks amazing, and tries something different by getting down on the ground. Nigel loves her. I like how much Team LezBiModel is on the ball.

Candace has an elegant hat and makes the same face she has made in the last 3,000 shoots and will keep making until the end of time.

Sophie quickly critiques the deficiencies of several of the American competitors and says that AzMarie and Laura are the ones on Team USA to watch out for. That Sophie is one smart biscuit.

When it’s time for her own shoot, Sophie is very bendy and has a lot of fun. Nigel gets cranky because Sophie takes a second to laughs, which means he misses a shot of her jumping while the car is bouncing on its hydraulics. I refuse to believe that such a shot could never have been set up again, but apparently that is the case. I’m sorry if you ever in your life wanted to jump next to a bouncing low rider, because that window of opportunity has closed forever.

Eboni still hates the 30 Never thing, and can you blame her? She seems to do well on the shoot in spite of her reluctance to pose in Toughskins while sucking her thumb.

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