“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.4): The Models Get Branded

Post elimination holding room! Is that a great name for a room or what?

Last week, Louise left and nations wept, little knowing how soon they will tremble at her feet.

Backstage afterward the Brits are shaken – they still haven’t gotten a best photo – but almost immediately Team U.K. sees that the Americans cracking. Sophie thinks Team USA may be doing the Brits’ divide-and-conquer work for them.

I’ve watched this next fight twice, and I still can’t figure why it happens. I’m going with Crazy Dust.

Eboni (USA) is pissy backstage. She’s justifiably annoyed that Tyra wants to keep her in little-girl mode, and says that, just 18 or not, she’s has enough happen in her life that infantilizing her is dumb and wrong. Oh, Eboni. In almost every other land on the planet, that is exactly the right attitude. But you are in Modelland, where being a little girl forever is something to which one aspires.

Eboni camera talks herself into a snit, and then we see her wigging out further in the holding room. Seymone (USA), a wise woman of 19, interviews that Eboni is a “rebellious baby.” Which was almost Eboni’s Intoxibella model super power name.

Eboni is cry-lecturing the holding room on how grown up she is, and then for some reason all her frustrations spew out at Kyle (USA), who according to the edit has just been quietly sitting there chewing what I hope is gum. Eboni says Kyle bitched about her photo shoot and have I mentioned that none of these women were actually eliminated? Those chicks must be tense.

Kyle proudly interviews that she got “fourth-best picture” last week and seems to be as baffled as we are as to why Eboni is suddenly all mad at her. (Seriously, can anyone remember Kyle saying anything before, ever?) But it sounds like if Eboni wants a fight, Kyle is happy to oblige.

Modelland!

Once again, the Big Box of Poorly Documented Prizes is for Team USA, thanks to AzMarie’s win last week. Team LezBiModel came to play hard, y’all. We see a shot of AzMarie’s winning pic from last week, helpfully vandalized by the Top Model team with a huge tagline in a font that is Comic Sans’s cousin who considered herself to be super hip during the ‘80s. It reads “PART WOMAN – PART MAN.”

Thanks, Team ANTM.

Should we put in a gratuitous photo of AzMarie to make us all feel better? Yes. Yes, we should.

AzMarie is proud of her win in a mature and low-key sort of way. Oh, dear. That’s not going to help her on this show at all.

Candace (USA) recaps last week’s bottom four (Her, Eboni, Alisha (UK), and Ashley (UK)), and is relived that Louise left, because her photo shoot was “a wreck.” Candace also says that she tried out for Top Model eight times before she made it. That’s admirable in the same sense that getting one of those Guinness Book of World Records titles for categories like “World’s Longest Fingernails” is: Wow, you, um, really put a lot of effort into that, didn’t you? Candace gets points for what my grandma would have called “stick-to-itiveness.” Now I’m wishing “Stick-To-It-Iveness” had been Candace’s model name.

Tyra Mail!

This week, the TyraMail photo is Tyra impishly covering her chest with a cowboy hat. I am titling that piece “How the Pony Express Could Have Stayed in Business.”

Oh, laws, brace yourselves: We’re not getting rid of this super powers business any time soon. And it looks like some staffer’s super power is pointless capitalization.

“Can You Translate Your Super Powers Into SUPER SALES?

Fierce and Love, Tyra”

Annaliese deduces that they’re going to have to use their super powers that Tyra gave them to sell things. We cut to the part where Tyra gives some of them their stupid new names, but NOT the part where Tyra whaps each of them in the boobs with a sticker. BOO!

In an effort to make sure we don’t think she’s boring, Kyle interviews in a completely flat monotone that she’s not just some sweet girl from Texas, and that she put her studies on hold to be there. And then she busts out the most tedious statement of any competitive reality show. Chant it along with me, please:

“I’m here to win a competition, and that’s it. I’m not here to be friends with anyone.”

Kyle leans down farther and farther to maintain eye contact with the lens as the camera operator slowly falls asleep.

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