Archive

“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.4): The Models Get Branded

Post elimination holding room! Is that a great name for a room or what?

Last week, Louise left and nations wept, little knowing how soon they will tremble at her feet.

Backstage afterward the Brits are shaken — they still haven’t gotten a best photo — but almost immediately Team U.K. sees that the Americans cracking. Sophie thinks Team USA may be doing the Brits’ divide-and-conquer work for them.

I’ve watched this next fight twice, and I still can’t figure why it happens. I’m going with Crazy Dust.

Eboni (USA) is pissy backstage. She’s justifiably annoyed that Tyra wants to keep her in little-girl mode, and says that, just 18 or not, she’s has enough happen in her life that infantilizing her is dumb and wrong. Oh, Eboni. In almost every other land on the planet, that is exactly the right attitude. But you are in Modelland, where being a little girl forever is something to which one aspires.

Eboni camera talks herself into a snit, and then we see her wigging out further in the holding room. Seymone (USA), a wise woman of 19, interviews that Eboni is a “rebellious baby.” Which was almost Eboni’s Intoxibella model super power name.

Eboni is cry-lecturing the holding room on how grown up she is, and then for some reason all her frustrations spew out at Kyle (USA), who according to the edit has just been quietly sitting there chewing what I hope is gum. Eboni says Kyle bitched about her photo shoot and have I mentioned that none of these women were actually eliminated? Those chicks must be tense.

Kyle proudly interviews that she got “fourth-best picture” last week and seems to be as baffled as we are as to why Eboni is suddenly all mad at her. (Seriously, can anyone remember Kyle saying anything before, ever?) But it sounds like if Eboni wants a fight, Kyle is happy to oblige.

Modelland!

Once again, the Big Box of Poorly Documented Prizes is for Team USA, thanks to AzMarie‘s win last week. Team LezBiModel came to play hard, y’all. We see a shot of AzMarie’s winning pic from last week, helpfully vandalized by the Top Model team with a huge tagline in a font that is Comic Sans’s cousin who considered herself to be super hip during the ’80s. It reads “PART WOMAN – PART MAN.”

Thanks, Team ANTM.

Should we put in a gratuitous photo of AzMarie to make us all feel better? Yes. Yes, we should.

AzMarie is proud of her win in a mature and low-key sort of way. Oh, dear. That’s not going to help her on this show at all.

Candace (USA) recaps last week’s bottom four (Her, Eboni, Alisha (UK), and Ashley (UK)), and is relived that Louise left, because her photo shoot was “a wreck.” Candace also says that she tried out for Top Model eight times before she made it. That’s admirable in the same sense that getting one of those Guinness Book of World Records titles for categories like “World’s Longest Fingernails” is: Wow, you, um, really put a lot of effort into that, didn’t you? Candace gets points for what my grandma would have called “stick-to-itiveness.” Now I’m wishing “Stick-To-It-Iveness” had been Candace’s model name.

Tyra Mail!

This week, the TyraMail photo is Tyra impishly covering her chest with a cowboy hat. I am titling that piece “How the Pony Express Could Have Stayed in Business.”

Oh, laws, brace yourselves: We’re not getting rid of this super powers business any time soon. And it looks like some staffer’s super power is pointless capitalization.

Annaliese deduces that they’re going to have to use their super powers that Tyra gave them to sell things. We cut to the part where Tyra gives some of them their stupid new names, but NOT the part where Tyra whaps each of them in the boobs with a sticker. BOO!

In an effort to make sure we don’t think she’s boring, Kyle interviews in a completely flat monotone that she’s not just some sweet girl from Texas, and that she put her studies on hold to be there. And then she busts out the most tedious statement of any competitive reality show. Chant it along with me, please:

“I’m here to win a competition, and that’s it. I’m not here to be friends with anyone.”

Kyle leans down farther and farther to maintain eye contact with the lens as the camera operator slowly falls asleep.

Some vaguely corporate place!

The models arrive to see J. Alexander, who has gone with a high-concept hairdo that answers the question of what would happen if one of Toshiro Mifune’s samurai characters also became a mummy. If you’re into topknots and light bondage, you won’t want to miss this episode.

Also here? Brand Futurist Martin Lindstrom.

Brand Futurist Martin Lindstrom, Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone, Brand Futurist Martin Lindstrom. Now that we’ve all met, let’s have tea, poured by Epic Table Waiting Service Concept Guru Marge.

Last cycle, Martin told the models how their self-impressions differed from how people actually saw them. Hey, that would be useful to an aspiring model! Are we doing it again? Ha ha, no.

Martin says the challenge is to become a “huge, powerful brand spokesperson,” which seems a little out of scope for an hour-long show. And, indeed, that’s not quite what the challenge is.

Martin says that there are some brilliant brands out there and some “crappy” ones. (Hey, Brand Futurist Martin Lindstrom, is using words like “crappy” on TV part of your brand?) I got all excited for a second thinking that the models would be given a range of products to choose from and we’d get to watch them wonder whether the SlapChop was classy enough or if maybe they should go for the Pajama Jeans.

Alas, ANTM shoots us down again. But, like Candace, we have learned that we must persevere. Even if we do so with just the one pouty expression in our arsenal.

Next Martin says the challenge is — we get a little kettledrum roll for this — to develop their own TV commercials. And then there should have been a slide trombone of sadness followed by someone throwing a piano down the stairs, because that is also a lie. There is no storyboarding, there is no concepting, there are no scripts. Martin is messing with our heads.

What actually happens is that the models are each given a random made-up product and then they stand in front of a camera and keep talking about it until Martin says stop.

The random made-up products are another weird editing mangle, much like the food challenge from a couple weeks ago and Tyra’s fever-dream visit to the house last week. Someone clearly spent a lot of time dreaming up activities and wacky comedy bitz, and then somewhere the artistic vision for the show changed and we zoom the cameras by these truncated abominations in shame.

I would very much like to know when the extreme course change happened and why, and I would also like transcripts and/or videotapes of the climactic meetings, please.

The reward for this challenge is diamond bracelets! Somewhere, the social conscience—themed cycle of ANTM rots a little farther into its spot in the landfill.

The models are to nail their commercials in one continuous take, which is another thing about this show that is exactly like what a real-life professional model has to do, except that it totally isn’t. I look forward to a bold honesty—themed cycle, in which they’d say “Look, we’re just going to mess with your heads and then make fun of whoever can’t form sentences.”

Martin says people often make snap judgments, so the real challenge is making a good first impression. I have decided that Martin just claims things are challenges all day long, whether there are modeling contestants around or not. He must be a trial to his loved ones.

The fake pink-packaged products that someone spent a lot of time making up, so by heaven I will chronicle them just out of sheer cussedness are:

AzMarie: Glow-in-the-dark tissue “The Cure for the Late Night Sneeze”

Sophie: Edible hand sanitizer “Makes Killing Germs Delicious”

Seymone: Vitamins that are also bubble gum. (Wait. Don’t those already exist? Is that why someone got fired and so many segments got slashed and burned? I think I’m on to something! The game is afoot!) “It’s Bubble Gum! Chew Your Way To Good Health”

Laura: Antibacterial trash bags “KEEPS YOU AND YOUR HOME CLEAN”

Catherine: Hair dryer with silent mode “Only The Sound Of Beautiful Hair”

Alisha: Cruelty-free TV dinner “Tasty and [No idea. This is where the shame spiral started and we didn’t even get a full shot of the box on this one.]”

Ashley: scented toilet paper “IT’S SCENTED”

And, wow, we’re not going to see the rest. Someone, I promise you, really cared about those props. He spent hours on them and worked on the slogans and the packaging and sent the hand sanitizer back three times because NO, DAMMIT, it’s JUST NOT RIGHT YET and told his mom to watch because this night, this night would be the one where all the brainstorming, sweat, and tears paid off, and people would finally understand that what really makes a show great is the kind of loving attention to detail that only a truly dedicated professional can give.

And then some editor or producer said screw it, just zip over them all at the speed of light and we’ll throw in another shot of that bear with the “SMIZE” T-shirt to cover the time.

Somewhere in a Los Angeles, a neglected genius is clutching a box for glow-in-the-dark tissues and weeping softly. And then he reaches for a small shred of comfort and his heart breaks a little harder as he realizes that the one detail he forgot was to put any actual tissues in there.

Team Brit!

Sophie starts off with her edible hand sanitizer and she’s game and charming. Laura gives her an accurate and positive review to that effect. We see Catherine for exactly long enough for her to say what the thing is, and then we cut to Alisha’s faintly ShamWow style of presentation.

Ashley is very serious about her scented toilet paper presentation and melts the world with her adorableness. “It’s scented, so your bum will be left smelling nice and fresh if you have a boyfriend.”

In an interview, Ashley says a sentence that only she could make cute: “My mom’s gonna think my boyfriend smells my arse.” She quickly issues a disclaimer that he does not. You just can’t trust advertising nowadays.

Annaliese gets a remote control that’s also a dumbbell and rocks a cheesy infomercial voice exactly the way Martin wants while letting you know that you have to pay for the remote, but you get free tickets to the gun show. Nice biceps, Annaliese.

Team Yank!

Seymone also gets just enough time to say that she uses the thing. AzMarie, who is maybe just the teeniest bit over this challenge, says, “I’m selling you facial tissues. Glows in the dark. At night.” She works into a great smile, but it’s perhaps not her finest moment on the show.

Laura takes her box of antibacterial trash bags and makes a gesture like she’s maybe going to use one for a sack race and says “Just pull one of these out, slip it under, and no one has to know.” Laura is truly awesome, but may not have accurately sussed out this show’s sense of humor. Alisha and Sophie exchange priceless “What is she doing?” looks, and Alisha interviews that Laura is a bit “Gone with the Wind” while some helpful sound editor drops in a cuckoo noise. (Seriously, read Laura’s interview. She’s way more interesting and down to earth than the editors are letting you see.)

Kyle interviews that she is “Next Doorsia” and can relate to people: “I automatically am, like, ‘I’m gonna do good at this.'” She then monotones her way through a pitch for teeth-whitening breath mints (We will never know what the slogan was! Never!) and, wow. Kyle is pretty and I’m sure she’s a wonderful human being, but great flipping bicuspids, is she boring. Annaliese awesomely describes her as “toast with no butter.”

She hits a wonderful moment where she accidentally says the mints will make your breath “crispy fresh,” but quickly shakes off that pesky fun and goes back to pretty-but-not-very-interesting. Eboni is not buying it, nor are the other models.

Martin, however, says that even though Kyle’s performance technically sucked, she’s very warm and relatable. And that’s how we know we’re in for a frustrating evening.

We are given no clues as to what Eboni is holding, though it looks like the label says “Doggie Scooper,” and it is heavily Bedazzled along the bottom. (Please, please, someone get me notes from those production meetings.)

Eboni’s pitch is that she’s pretty and therefore she knows about looking good. I really want to know how that tied in with the doggie scooping. Sophie is not impressed with Eboni’s persuasive tack, and gives her a fantastic “You are tripping” face. Sophie also imitates Eboni during an interview and we learn that she does a dead-on American accent. More Sophie!

Here’s the thing: Sophie is correct in the sense that Eboni thought of nothing good to say, but how often are models brought into real commercial sets and asked to just go ahead and improvise some dialogue while the cameras are rolling? What’s that? Never, you say? OK, fine. Let’s dispense with the pretense that the challenges are teaching anything and have the models build baking soda and vinegar volcanoes and fight fires. I think we’ll all be happier.

Candace gets coffee that freshens your breath (What happens if you mix it with the mints?) and, oh, dear Candace is terrible. In her defense, she said she would be because presentations aren’t her thing, and also MAKING UP THEIR OWN LINES IS NOT WHAT MODELS DO. Candace ends with “Buy this coffee. Buy this coffee. Thank you.”

Catherine thinks the British girls did well and the American girls struggled. Martin announces the horrific news that the models’ improvised TV commercials will be judged by “ordinary consumers.” Take a moment to rage at the universe if you didn’t get picked for that focus group.

The models hate this idea, and they are correct.

Still at the focus group place!

Kyle has read the room and interviews that she maybe messed up her commercial. Ten volunteer focus group people come in, hoping that being on the teevee is going to be worth taking a later Homes of the Stars tour like that nice producer said it would be when she pulled them off Hollywood boulevard as they came out of the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum.

Miss J. Alexander turns on a closed-circuit TV and the models watch and sweat it out.

(Dear focus group volunteers: That is almost what happens in a real focus group. What actually happens is that there are no hidden nervous models, and while you are delivering your trenchant insights, the people who made the product you are so earnestly discussing are sitting behind that one-way mirror eating snacks and soothing their egos by making cruel and accurate fun of you. This may not be a pleasant fact, but it is a true one.)

Speaking of unpleasant facts, we soon discover that by “ordinary consumers,” Martin meant “Xenophobic rural and suburban Middle Americans who are completely unaware that they do, in fact, have a gay cousin, and do not care for movies without explosions or Adam Sandler in them.” I’m guessing this is Martin’s revenge for people making fun of his accent.

Four people, when polled, say they can’t stand AzMarie, because tattoos eek and also she does NOT look comfortingly like Kathie Lee Gifford. The guy who hated the tattoos, after a cut, says “I don’t think anything would fit with her.” I have some unkind guesses as to why the focus group response was so heavily edited, and wrap a firm dislike of them around me like an angry Slanket.

A bro calls Laura “ghetto,” which is wrong in so many different ways and for so many different reasons that we’d have to redo this recap with 3D technology to properly cover them. Laura seems to think it’s the funny kind of shocking, especially since the guy is, you know, clearly an idiot.

The focus group is pissier and pissier, and someone says he doesn’t like Alisha’s “African accent.” Did they pick these goobers up from BigotFest 2012 or what?

The group judges Candace harshly, but we totally see Martin leading them into doing so. So we have no idea if they think she sucked because she did or because the authority figure in the room gave them broad cues suggesting that that was the right answer. Way to run a productive and valuable focus group, Martin!

None of them like Ashley and they are thus dead to me. May they be trampled under the mighty paws of Louise’s mountain lion.

One lady says she wouldn’t buy Seymone’s product, but she liked Seymone, making her the most positive person in the room so far. A few people correctly say that Sophie is cute, and suggest that she would be a good representative for Cover Girl. They win back a few points, but not enough to recover from their massive deficit. Sophie takes a victory lap.

The focus group people love Annaliese, which makes sense, and Kyle, which, um, doesn’t quite. They like Kyle a lot. On the other hand, none of them would buy Eboni’s doggie scooper for pretty people.

J. Alexander turns off the TV and asks the models what they learned. Alisha, who’s way sharper about interpersonal relations than may be good for her on this show, says, “If you don’t have the girl next door look, then you can’t sell products.”

Boom. That is pretty much what this group, or at least this edit of this group, had to teach. Top Model is on some surprisingly dangerous ground. Do they mean to be?

Several of the girls jump in to point out that Kyle, for example, sucked, but was appealing to that particular cross-section of people and so did well with the challenge. In a long shot, it becomes clear that Miss J. is uncomfortable and does not have control of the room at all, not even a tiny bit.

Kyle is not so much up for being the example of suckitude skating by on looks and wholesomeness in this fascinating bit of Top Model sociology, and so she stands up and says she wants to go home.

To repeat: Kyle, who just did really well in the challenge and got told she can do pretty much whatever the hell she wants at a very low competence level and still succeed for as long as her girl-next-door looks hold out, wants to leave because it’s all so unfair.

Kyle hilariously explains what she’s getting horribly upset about in a monotone.

Candace says Kyle can’t handle fashion, and she may have a point. Sophie seriously interviews that Kyle should develop a thicker skin if this is the industry she wants to be in. Having Alisha and Sophie do regular Top Model psychological color commentary would not be the worst thing in the world. Maybe for the DVD extras?

Kyle immediately starts talking about her studies and her education, which is Level Orange in the Modelland Security Color Code Leaving the House Alert System. Miss J. tries to comfort her while the other models point out that this world will break her.

J. tells Kyle not to leave and Kyle says she’s going to pound Eboni.

Back to Martin!

He talks to them while awkwardly standing at the opposite end of their very long room. Annaliese wins it! She happy catwalks over to the bracelets while Eboni says those diamonds are probably sour and anyway the Americans won a bunch of off-brand product placed clothes before so nyah.

Annaliese does not care. In her moment of triumph, she is toast with butter and Nutella on it.

Back to Modelland and some Tyra Mail!

Finally the cowboy hat makes sense:

In the background, one of the models theorizes that they’re going bull riding. Whoever she is, I love her.

Kyle cries on the phone to her mom that it’s hard. Again, she DID WELL. Mom tells her to chill out and sleep on it. AzMarie says it’s stupid to leave before you’re eliminated, but admits that it’s to her advantage if Kyle drops out, so why not. Annaliese has a different shade of that same reaction and wants Kyle to do less crying and more packing up and leaving already.

A desert wasteland!

Oh, all right, it’s Sepulveda Dam. Sophie’s pretty sure this is where they filmed Grease, for which we’ll give her partial credit and an Attagirl.

Nigel and Jay Manuel are there! Along with some bad-ass low riders with hydraulics! Time for a photo shoot! Jay says that “this cycle we are constantly celebrating everything that’s amazing about British and American culture,” which does not so much narrow things down.

Anyway, they’re modeling British hats while being near American cars. Laura is all over it.

Seymone says she’s the only plus-size model in the house, and that she’s fiercely real. She says “fiercely real” twice to make sure Tyra knows that she obediently took the blue pill.

Kyle sits in a makeup chair still talking and saying nothing new. Candace has heard enough and hands her a copy of Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now?autographed by all the other contestants.

AzMarie looks stunning.

Nigel tells her not to make a butch face, but to go ahead and do a butch body. Whatever, it works. Catherine is bendy again and looks good. Alisha is determined not to get dinged for forgetting her “Gamatronica” superpower again, so she’s doing the Angelina Jolie leg show thing and thinking “Legs legs legs face legs.”

In spite of the fact that she drove the entire hair and makeup tent up the walls, Kyle has been issued a knockout cobalt blue gown. She monologues in monotone about how she’s going to start being a sweet Texas girl and start being a bitch. I’m annoyed with her, but she looks fantastic and seems to nail the shoot.

Ashley is adorable and nails her shoot right away. Seymone has no idea what she wants to do and completely loses Nigel. Uh oh. Nigel says Seymone needs to have a game plan because it’s costing them thousands of dollars to have those cars there. It’s not the argumentative tack I would have taken, but then mine hasn’t been focus grouped.

Annaliese spots the fact that Nigel has trouble working with Seymone and heads out to rock the shoot in spite of an enormous sea anemone attacking her head.

Laura mentions the Tyra Banks coined phrase “booty tooch.” Smart girl. She also looks amazing, and tries something different by getting down on the ground. Nigel loves her. I like how much Team LezBiModel is on the ball.

Candace has an elegant hat and makes the same face she has made in the last 3,000 shoots and will keep making until the end of time.

Sophie quickly critiques the deficiencies of several of the American competitors and says that AzMarie and Laura are the ones on Team USA to watch out for. That Sophie is one smart biscuit.

When it’s time for her own shoot, Sophie is very bendy and has a lot of fun. Nigel gets cranky because Sophie takes a second to laughs, which means he misses a shot of her jumping while the car is bouncing on its hydraulics. I refuse to believe that such a shot could never have been set up again, but apparently that is the case. I’m sorry if you ever in your life wanted to jump next to a bouncing low rider, because that window of opportunity has closed forever.

Eboni still hates the 30 Never thing, and can you blame her? She seems to do well on the shoot in spite of her reluctance to pose in Toughskins while sucking her thumb.

Modelland!

Kyle is packing. Oh, for crying out loud. Maybe Kyle isn’t really that tall after all and it’s just all her extended drama. AzMarie counsels her against leaving, while Laura is done with this whining-about-quitting nonsense. She’s an astute girl, our Laura. She compares quitting to spitting in Tyra’s face. I don’t think it’s quite that big an offense, but Laura’s visible umbrage will probably serve her well in the competition if Tyra saw that clip.

Candace thinks Kyle should quit dithering and leave already, partly because Candace is worried about being cut, but also, wow, is Kyle being a pill. A scented pill that also whitens your teeth!

Panel!

J. Alexander is our guest judge, this time in a purple samurai mummy outfit.

Tyra does a singing run while describing the prizes, which, if you weren’t watching the show, is why you suddenly got embarrassed and didn’t know why.

Also, here in Week 4, I have finally processed the information that the official Top Model fragrance is called “Dream Come True.” I hope it’s the one about making out in a hot air balloon and not the one in which I had to beat a serial killer to my car.

Photo time! Sophie has what I think is a fun and lovely high-fashion bend, but Nigel grouses about how she missed the bouncing cars (forever!) and Kelly says she looks pregnant.

Ugh, I know Laura swore up and down that Kelly Cutrone is a slice of awesome with a side of cool, but I really dislike her crabcake persona that’s shaping up on the show. It seems like someone we know should have nailed down a public persona with the producers and sent some quality delectables to the editors. Legendary PR Maven, heal thyself.

Tyra says Sophie hasn’t created enough negative spaces. Sophie makes the exact same expression you just did, but politely pulls it together. Eboni looks great and Tyra calls her a little girl trying to be sexy and says she shouldn’t try that. This show has gone beyond mixed messages and into frappé.

Kelly calls Catherine tense and unsexy. The judges like Alisha’s legginess at panel, but think she went too far with it in her photo. We learn that Miss J. calls toes hanging over the edge of your shoes “baloney and cheese.” If you know why that is, DO NOT tell me.

Nobody likes Seymone’s photo because she’s not committing and Tyra says she looks like someone’s wife in a parade.

Kyle goes up to cuts of eye rolls from the other girls. Her photo looks fantastic Kelly, by way of praise, says Kyle looks like a “nasty power bitch.”

Ashley looks lovely. Candace disappointed everyone, but man, did they pick a terrible shot. Everyone again points out that she always makes the same face.

Laura looks great. Nigel loved taking her picture, and Kelly says she looks like “drunk Mae West.” Whatever. Tyra loves it that she’s for real modeling.

Annaliese accepts criticisms well and Tyra loves that she’s using the muscles in her face. I hope that means there’s a new term to join “smizing” soon. Grimacing with your cheeks? Howling with your eyebrows? OK, yes. My money’s on browling.

AzMarie looks amazing. Duh.

Deliberations!

The judges pull some more creepy stuff about Eboni and have decided that her idea of sexiness is working against her. Tyra says she needs to “work baby.” Squick. Ashley continues to be adorable.

Nigel likes Annaliese, but Kelly calls her TV presenter, which is probably accurate. And more lucrative, so get on it, Annaliese! Alisha’s leg backlash continues. The judges worry over Seymone. Is she comfortable in her own skin? Candace bores them. Laura is fantastic and “zagging,” per her superpower. Sigh.

Nigel has to agree that AzMarie looks amazing but complains that she’s “grumpy,” by which he means calm, professional and not a coked-up ball of perk. Uh-oh. It looks like they’re laying the ground work for a classic Top Model crowbar issue — a way to pry out a model who’s taking fantastic pictures by saying there’s something wrong with her personality. Beware, AzMarie!

Judges, I have my eye on you.

Best photo:

AzMarie!

Runner up:

Laura! Team LezBiModel is cleaning up!

Kyle, for the record, is next. Sophie is in the bottom three, which is ridiculous. We come down to Seymone and Candace. Tyra uses “fiercely real” again, which is getting fiercely old. Seymone doesn’t translate her vavoom proportions into good photos! Candace seems mediocre! Who will stay? Who will go?

This week’s obsolete model:

Candace

Well, at least she already had the pouty face in place. Tyra counsels her to stop being in her head and be more queenly. Candace decides instead to take a last swing and point out that Kyle has been droning on about leaving the house since about 1978.

No dice! One time Tyra was in Paris and felt like going home too, but wiser heads talked her out of it! Wait, wasn’t she a teenager then? That sounds like borderline child labor and endangerment. Sorry, I meant an inspiring story of model courage and fortitude!

Next week: OH, MY GOD, you guys, they are going to Canada and they are COVERING THE MODELS IN MAPLE SYRUP! They didn’t show the anthills that must be coming, but why would you blow that in the previews?

Oh, I can’t wait. Why can’t next week be here now?! I’ll see you then, assuming I can make it past the focus group.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button