“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.3): WaterLou

Panel!

Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone can’t even smile when she’s introduced. The guest judge is Cat Deeley, from So You Think You Can Dance, because OK, why not?

Annaliese says she wasn’t a good leader, but is smart enough to compliment her team. After all those twisted bullying head games, legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says she respects Annaliese for taking a leap. Tyra says she’s too catalogue. Burn.

Sophie looks cool, like she’s about to fall over. More Sophie!

Catherine looks appealingly sinuous. Nigel says she can also be a chameleon, and says, “I guess that’s what ‘Era-Descent’ is.” I hope you got a bonus check for that, Nigel.

Ashley has a cool shot, but is dinged for, and I quote, “posing for the camera.” Fine. Next week, pose for the fire hydrant.

Alisha was told that she had super legs as her power, but chose a shot in which her legs are cropped, and gets dinged. (See? AzMarie was right.)

The judges sense weakness and pile in with stuff like “the coat is wearing you, you’re not wearing the coat” and on and on until poor Alisha starts to cry. Bonus checks all around for the judges! Someone points out that the problem may be Alisha’s photo-picking ability. Why, yes, it might. How often do real Top Models select their own photos again? Oh, that’s right, NEVER.

Louise is up! She looks fantastic and tough in her photo. I don’t know why they put her in the one spot where she looks like she’s wearing a hilarious Royal Wedding hat, but OK.

Nigel says Louise looks mean. Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone checks in with “I think you need to put some gratitude in your attitude, girl.”

A legendary PR Maven does not think of anything original to say.

Oh, no! Louise is getting the Bad Attitude label. Stay strong, Louise!

Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says Louise was very condescending and rude, which could only be true if the ANTM editors cut out the juiciest parts, and we all know they get docked for cutting fights.

Louise is not Miss Manners – far from it – but “condescending and rude” is a pretty close to being a bald-faced lie, legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. And you seem to have omitted the part where you randomly started it. Louise was just trying to deal with a difficult shoot and suddenly had Gollum’s sourfaced sister trying to cling to her shoulder and rasp pointless insults into her ear.

Louise cuts off legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone and says “No, no, no, no. You were rude to me.” Oh, no! That is the exact truth, Louise, but you are not allowed to say such things!

Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone, in the face of complete accuracy, says, “I’m done talking to you.” Ah, cutting off conversation. The timeless refuge of outmatched blowhards.

A legendary PR Maven does not think of good arguments or admit it when she’s been a crampface for two solid days.

Tyra steps in to drop some science: “You are a model. This is a publicist. Do you understand? There is a rank.”

She says “a publicist” with the same tone of outraged honor that one might use if her statement instead included the phrase “ a United States Senator” or “a Nobel Prize–winning physicist” or “Mahatma Gandhi.”

Louise breaks under all this ridiculousness and starts crying. She wants to go home. Oh, no!

Outside, we get one last bit of magic from Louise as she shouts, “This is bollocks!” Were truer words ever spoken?

Louise feels like she’s losing herself and decides to go home.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Back at panel!

Tyra gives the remaining models a stern lecture: “On America’s Next Top Model, we like to think that our criticism is constructive.” Please note that “like to think” is not the same as “actually believe.” I think Tyra’s statement was vetted by their legal department.

We still have yanks to critique!

AzMarie tocked it. They like her photo and her leadership.

The judges say Kyle looks great. And Tyra specifically compliments her jumping while keeping her Buster Keaton stoneface, so shut my mouth about that.

When Seymone comes up, Tyra says “fiercely real” to mean “plus size” again. I’m sorry – did we just drive someone to tears and off the continent because a model was being condescending, or was that a different show?

The judges don’t like Seymone’s shot. She looks too sexy and mature, and simultaneously not comfortable with her own body. Well, that’s fiercely useful.

Laura is kicking, literally and figuratively. Yay, Team LezBiModel!

Eboni is not conforming to the little the box they put her in, so it doesn’t matter that her photo is kind of great.

Candace disappoints everyone. And the Lion leaps off the male model’s shoulder to go be Louise’s mount for when she rides across Canada in the first stage of her conquest. (Simmer down, Canada. You know you love her too.)

Blah blah blah judges blah. They drove away Louise and now they are dead to me.

The judges lie and say that they would have complimented Louise’s photo if she they had stayed. They will be first against the wall when she returns, no question.

Best Photo: AzMarie! Team LezBiModel is cleaning up!

Runner up: Sophie!

We narrow the rest down to Candace, Eboni, Alisha, and Ashley. Tyra only has one photo left that was deemed worthy of the product-placed website, and it was… Louise!

Wise, productplacedwebsite.com. Louise may spare you and allow you to work in the mines.

But wait, that means four girls who were not deemed worthy of the website are left. Who will leave?

This week’s obsolete model:

Nobody! All four get to stay, because they were docile and took ridiculous critiques, unlike certain models we could name.

Louise, when you turn 30 and start your galactic conquest, you might need a freelance writer. Call me! I’ll happily do press releases or speeches or any job you want!

Well, anything but legendary PR Maven.

Eleven models remain! See you next week!

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