“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.3): WaterLou


Kyle tries to be punk “Next-Doorsia” and is a little flat. Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone tells her not to look on drugs or dead. I repeat: A legendary Public Relations Maven does not know what punk rock means.

Kyle does this odd jumping thing where she bends her legs to the sides, but registers no change whatsoever on her face. Laura seems to get the punk rock attitude, at least, and is helped by a leather jacket and a metallic necklace. Go, Team LezBiModel!

Eboni wears a crown and cane and goes sexy and legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone makes a sour face.


Team Leader AzMarie jumps into her shoot with only 8 minutes left to go and rocks it. Even Jay loves it. Team LezBiModel is on fire this week!


Brit Shoot!

Anneliese isn’t sure what to do, ever. Everyone comes to Louise as if she is the leader because, let’s face it, when she realizes who she is, Louise will rule the universe. That will be another thing she’s f–king good at. To get things moving for Team Brit, Louise quietly takes over. As she will do for all of Britain one day.

Ashley goes in to shoot and Jay is bored with just Ashley with flowers and a bare wall and wants, in a not-at-all-contrived way, for a strong leader to make a decision and change it.

Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone hates the flowers and she haaaaates the Brits. Or maybe just Annaliese? Who peed in legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone’s Weetabix this morning?

Jay calls Ashley in to discuss, since she seems lost, and the Brits don’t seem to have a clear vision. (Um, nor did the Americans? Are we allowed to bring that up? Fine.)

Jay says something is lacking with just the brick wall, so Anneliese nervously wonders if they should put the chair in the shot. Oh, dear.

Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says Anneliese is a nervous wreck. Man, does she smell blood in the water. She hates it that Anneliese is so unfocused and undefined and also that there are molecules in the air and gravity is annoying.

What is it you do again, Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone? Just asking.

The chair seems to make everything better. Ashley poses again in what seem to be shoes that are several sizes too large. The hell?

Sophie is adorable, and with 40 minutes left, Anneliese is dithering over whether to switch up the shoot or not.

Alisha has a hard time acting like she’s in love, but the photographer likes it. Also it will have no bearing on her final photo.

Catherine seems to do fine.

Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone tells Annaliese to drop the rose she’s holding, apparently just to screw with her head. Jay piles on and says he’s not buying what Annaliese is selling. After two days of getting questioned and eye-rolled, Annaliese is somehow losing her confidence. How could that be?

Louise, who you will recall was quietly taking over on the decision-making front, runs to get into place for her shoot and Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone suddenly has a new shiny object to hate. She tells Louise not to run on set and to “watch her energy.”

Watch it, Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. One day soon Louise will come into her own and she and her armies will roll across you like a sour-faced gnat who has no clear job description.

Lord, there is more legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. Apparently a PR Maven does pointlessly bitch about everything in all creation.

Poor Louise is trying to get her makeup done and weirdo legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is still hovering over her, crouched like Wormtongue, and telling Louise, who is now sitting still, not to run around. Ma’am, remember those 36,000 times when you said you wanted a strong leader? Louise is trying to be one and she is busy.

Legendary PR Maven and perpetual bitch machine Kelly Cutrone says that Louise has one of the worst attitudes she’s ever seen. And then lightning strikes her and she is turned into charred, hypocritical dust.

Louise jumps into her shoot with only two minutes left. She’s upset, but she pushes thought the anger and rocks it. Louise is so happy it’s over that she cries.

The models have to pick one photo for each person by themselves, which certainly will not backfire at all.

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