Anyway, by far the best part of this sequence is when Tyra gifts each model with her new name by slapping it directly onto her boobs, and then whapping it again to make sure the little logo thingy sticks. Sorry about your innocence, models!
Anyway, their stupid new names, which the models will be forced to conform to no matter what else happens in the competition or how they develop as human beings:
Sophie: Illuminata because she lights up a room
Alisha: Gam-A-Tronica for her amazing legs
Louise: Chameeleoné, because she is “sexy, jolly, sweet,” I kept having to rewind that, because I couldn’t believe that even Tyra would call one of the plus-size models “jolly.” But she did. She totally did.
Catherine: Era-Descent (Pronounced “iridescent,” sort of) because she “can go from era to era to era.”
Stop yelling at me! I am just telling you what Tyra said! And if you think that you just spotted the point where Tyra’s writers left the classier drinks behind and broke into the Schnapps, I believe you are correct.
Ashley: Charismia which Tyra doesn’t explain. She just says “Scottish Charismia,” as though that’s a thing. I think I know a supermodel who forgot what “charisma” means.
Annaliese: Excite-To-Buy. Really. They are pretending that is a name. I’m surprised one of the later models wasn’t called “Oh, Screw It.”
AzMarie: Andro-Genia because that is all Tyra or the judges will ever notice about her!
Laura: Zagalicious because she zags instead of zigs? Possible descent into Jagermeister for the writers.
Seymone: Fiercely Real, which if you are a new viewer, is what Tyra always, always, always calls plus-size models. To celebrate their individuality. Anyway, she’s pretty sure we haven’t seen through that term.
Kyle: Next-Doorsia People. People! I know it’s not a name! Stop throwing those wet paper balls! It was the writers! And possibly the Rumple Minze.
Candace: Exotica because she could be black or Polynesian. OK.
Eboni: 30-Never because she will never reach 30. That sounds horrifying, like Tyra is predicting she’s going to die in a car crash, but she’s actually saying that Eboni will never mature beyond 30, as though that is a wonderful thing.
(Climb up on my knee here, under-30s, and listen to me carefully: Your life gets so much better after 30. I promise you. Right on your birthday, bam! Your brain just draws a hard line, and suddenly you have a whole new, vast category of Crap Up With Which You Will No Longer Put. It’s the best. Now run along and get Grandma some Schnapps.)
Anyway, Tyra makes Eboni pirouette around and it’s not even about being under 30, it’s about how Tyra thinks the little girl thing is sexy. Gross.
Then Tyra says the next level (They just got to this one! Let them enjoy the capes!) is to be a “super mogul” and be a businesswoman. You know what? She’s right. Use your minds, models, and take care of your careers.
And then Tyra says this, which I am just going to type out verbatim and leave there for your perusal.
“I just graduated from a three-year owner-president management program of Harvard business school.”
Tyra wants the models to learn marketing, leadership, strategy, global marketing, finance, and accounting.
Sophie says “Everything she said made so much sense,” which it absolutely did not, but she’s totally right that these ladies should have a goal of managing their own careers and finances. Good on you, Tyra.
Let’s go to a warehouse!
No, a warehouse. A WAREhouse!
Look who’s here! It’s legendary (fashion and) PR Maven Kelly Cutrone! WHAT DO YOU DO!?
Well, one thing legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone does is a lot of very long voiceovers. She must have screwed up her lines a lot on site.
The models are going to create their very own ad campaign for a product-placed website! Annaliese says the Brits have an advantage because they know the brand! This will turn out to be inaccurate!
The theme of the campaign is “Love Luxury,” which you can forget immediately, as it has nothing to do with anything that actually happens.
Each team has to assign a leader, and then someone to deal with wardrobe, hair and makeup, props, and casting a male model. Nothing but “leader” will ever be judged, so, again, just ignore the rest.
Annaliese is the immediate leader for Team Brit. Team America chooses AzMarie.
There doesn’t seem to be a ton of difference in their preliminary meetings, but suddenly legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is standing over the Brits saying “You guys need to go, go, go, go!”
Then legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone yells “Who’s the leader? Who’s the leader?” at Team Brit. Anneliese panics and freezes like she thinks maybe legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is a raptor and won’t be able to see her if she stands very still. It’s a good try, but doesn’t work.
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone yells at the Brits then points at herself and says, “this is a serious leader.” Then she points at Anneliese: “This is a confused leader.”
Oh, legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. If there’s one way to work your way into my heart, it’s badgering innocents and referring to yourself in the third person. I can see we’re going to be great friends.
Also: WHAT DO YOU DO?