“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.2): Mommie Careerist

 
 

Back home!

There is a Brit strategy meeting by the pool. Louise says they have to tear each other down one by one and be “roofless.” God, I love the models this year. I don’t want to love them, but I do.

Time for Panel!


The new judge this season is “legendary fashion and PR maven” Kelly Cutrone. I don’t know what that means and Tyra won’t tell us. I suspect the key to that title sounding good is staying vague about it. I’m going to start calling myself “legendary word placement and keyboard maven.”

Tyra recites the usual prizes and hey, wait a minute! One of the prizes is a single? Like a song?  Hey, there,  everyone doing daily vocal exercises and studying music theory and doing terrible, low-paying gigs in bars just for the love of it! Are you enjoying the show?

AzMarie and Ashley are up first, and sweet broken Legos, these pictures are a mess. Ashley also says she was “starstruck” during the shoot and good lord, have these Brits not been allowed to see movies, or what?

Ashley gets good marks, but AzMarie doesn’t. Then again, they picked a shot in which AzMarie was looking down, so whatever.

Kyle and Mariah are the Boring Twins, except they’re worried that Mariah is the Sexy Boring Twin. In fact, several models get dinged for being too sexy as toddlers in the shoot for which they were dressed as sexy toddlers. Thanks, judges.

Laura, Sophia, and Catherine’s picture? Still a mess! But Laura gets props for weird body angles.

Eboni looks great, and Trya also has a story in which she herself bravely worked past a burn. Eboni is so in.

“Legendary fashion and PR maven” Kelly Cutrone has now given advice to several models and we are no closer to understanding what she does. Is she an agent? An art director? SAY IT.

Seymone and Annaleise go up and Annaleise says their shoot was “fan dabi dozi.” (Non-Brits, do not make the mistake I have made: Do not look up “Fan dabi dozi.” It’s some sort of novelty children’s song from the early ’80s, and it is sung by a husband and wife who are dressed up as a father and son, and it is what would happen if the Chipmunks stopped doing cover tunes and wrote their own stuff. DON’T LISTEN TO IT. You will never get it out of your head, even if you go all scorched earth on yourself and listen to “Escape (The Pina Colada Song).” Save yourself, and live your life in happy ignorance.)

Anyway, Annaleise and Seymone didn’t do well. Nor did Louise and Alisha, even though Louise totally looks like Linda Evangelista. Louise totally walks away with a face that says “But you dressed us as sexy toddlers!” I worry that Louise has the kind of smarts that does you no good on this show.

Judging

The judges are disappointed in AzMarie. They say her tattoos aren’t bad-ass enough (what?) and she looks commercial and doesn’t understand her brand. I have no idea. I guess they have decided on AzMarie’s brand for her but not mentioned it? Or are they trying to avoid an obvious front runner? Or are they just doing that thing where they don’t know how to handle an androgynous lesbian and are maybe letting random things fall out of their mouths until the sequence is over? Maybe that.

Oh, no. Lousie smiled and shyly bit her finger, but failed to thank Tyra for saying she looked like Linda Evangelista. Nice knowing you, Louise!s

Best photo: Laura! Go, Team LezBiModel! But you still need to be nicer!

Runner up: Ashley!

It comes down to Seymone and Mariah. Mariah is boring! Seymone is beautiful but that’s not enough!

This week’s obsolete model:
Sorry, Mariah!

Tyra says Mariah can and will model, but she needs spice to take it to the next level, and then Tyra pounds her fist on her stomach. What?

Poor, pretty Mariah is sad, but I think she’ll do OK in life.

Next week:
Fighting! And “legendary fashion and PR maven” Kelly Cutrone teaches the girls something about leadership! But probably not about what her job is! Anyway, fighting! I can’t wait. See you next week!

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