“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.2): Mommie Careerist

Let’s go to the salon!

They go to “the famed Sally Hershberger salon,” which, OK. Then, because so far the models are winning the makeover torment arms race, Jay announces that they’re getting such drastic makeovers that they’re really “shakeovers!” Excuse me, Mr. Jay. Is anyone getting new corneas shaped like cat’s eyes or a good old-fashioned safety pin through the cheek? Then settle down.

Annaliese once again hits camera just the way they want her to and reports that dutifully regurgitates that the makeovers are “fierce, fabulous, and freaky-deaky” almost like she believes it. She’s going to go far, that one. The Fierce is strong in her.

Laura is going to get “red, white, and blue hair,” which turns out to actually be white-blonde hair with red and blue clip-ins. Well, hell, Tyra, you’re never going to get them to cry if they can just take the wild stuff out. Step it up, woman!

Sophie is getting her blonde bob dyed pink, and she’s psyched. I hope this time around they’ll actually spend money to maintain the models’ new ‘dos instead of just letting them gradually get more washed out and bedraggled like most cycles.

AzMarie (US, Team LezBiModel) gets ANTM shaved into her head. Well, fine. That will last all of 6 days. Azmarie has sussed out that very fact, so she’s pretty happy. She’s been a good sport and gets her normal head back easily. She also has the quickest style, so she starts washing the other girls’ hair, leaning way over the supine girls and easily joking with them while massaging their scalps. Wow. AzMarie has the moves.

Mariah gets a hair wash and some strange new feelings.

Remember Louise, who just didn’t want to get her hair cut short? She gets – Say it with me, everyone! – a boyish blunt cut. Louise is an actual working model back home and she knows her market and she haaaaates this idea.

Well played, producers. Instead of going for a scattershot approach, they seem to have zeroed in on their most likely fit-pitching target, peeling her off and isolating her while the rest of the herd runs free.

Sally Hershberger pulls the I’m-a-famous-stylist thing, which I would advise against. I’m willing to believe that in a room full of trained stylists “I’m Sally Hershberger” means something, but if you’re just someone who’s watching the show to see models fall down, it doesn’t sound any more impressive or less petulant than the model doing the balking.

The stylist apparently just goes ahead and cuts off the back of Louise’s hair, so she retreats into a forced haircut trance. Can Louise hear us when we talk about her? We may never know.

Seymone is more philosophical. She’s the sacrificial weave girl this season, and she ends up looking good.

AzMarie is WORKING it at the sinks. She heads over to rinse Laura and Team LezBiModel flirts it up. Good on you, ladies.

Annaleise is getting big volume. She can handle it, and looks fine.

Mr. Jay tells Catherine that she’s going full-on magenta. For just a nanosecond she makes a horrorface, but the Spackle in her tear ducts holds.

Alisha is the one who ends up with one side shaved and extensions on other. She’s really happy, because now she says she has a feminine side and a masculine side, and that makes her a “triple threat.” I love her. I will just note that while Alisha is admiring her hair, AzMarie is next to her, touching it. She is superhuman.

Scottish Ashley looks cute. Which would be the case if they made her balance a tank of leeches on her head, but still.

Oh, dear, Kyle (US) has been sent to Bang City. No, no, not AzMarie’s room. I’m talking about Kyle’s haircut. (For now.)

Candace looks lovely with long extensions, and Mariah has the same bangs as Kyle.

Laura is happy with her red and blue clip ins, and actually looks pretty cute. Sophie’s pink cut is also a success. She reports, “It’s like a little cotton candy head. Everyone keeps saying they want to eat me.”

I’m going to put that remark down right here and walk briskly away from it.

Eboni (US) got burned on her face with a curling iron. Yeowtch! It’s a real mark, and it is on her face, so as a model she’s a little bit concerned. It’s distracting her from the fact that she got the Young Tyra makeover, which means she’s going to be rocketing to the top. Stay strong, Eboni!

Meanwhile, the producers couldn’t make Louise cry with the short cut, so they tell her they need to go a few shades darker with her hair, which was the other thing she said she didn’t want to do. ANTM, red in tooth and claw.

By the way, all of the interviews are happening on the “makeover cam,” which is the same thing as when they talk to the camera ever other time, only it’s at the salon. Thanks, Tyra!

Sophie’s eyebrows have been bleached away, but she’s happy with her look and she feels so free that she dances with AzMarie. GOOD LORD, WOMAN. When you open AzMarie’s front door, a thousand toasters fall out.

Louise has finally realized that she’s the gazelle in this scenario and is making one last-ditch effort to lash out with her horns. Her fellow models sense the danger and no one wants to be her friend now. Aww.

Louise gives up and goes darker. And I guess in the end, props go to Ms. Hershberger – Louise looks like a stunning tomboy with her new cut. Louise realizes it too and says she’s more powerful. Tell it to AzMarie.

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