“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.11): Don’t Rub That Bottle

Still in Hong Kong, but it’s night now!
Sophie says the nightlife is amazing. She loves the thousand (Hong Kong)-dollar prize and the slice or real-world modeling.

Laura goes to Nude is Rude and meets designer Marisa Zeman, who says that now that her new company is growing, it’s time to have a face. I just said the same thing about the golem in my lab. Zeman puts Laura in an intriguing catsuit sort if thing and says that Laura looks good, but her walk is not strong. WE GET IT.

Sophie calls Annaliese a presenter, not a model, and said she’s climbed her way up in the competition by presenting herself well. Which is true, but still: Here she is. I know what they mean when they say Annaliese is more of a TV host, but after a point, it’s weird to keep dinging her for cannily using a skill set that makes designers go bananas over her.

Speaking of bananas, Annaliese is in a sparkly Josephine Baker banana skirt with a spangly gold-and-black bra. Yes, of course she’s with Gregory Derham. I don’t know when you’re supposed to be able to wear his clothes outdoors, but I may not care. He’s designing clothes for whatever sparkly world he lives in, and I want to visit. He loves Annaliese, and well he should – she wouldn’t have been too far off-base if she’d been a way less good sport about that ensemble. Instead, she accurately sums Derham and his clothes up as nutty, but in a nutty good way, and then takes on the sex kitten persona of someone who would wear it. Well played, Annaliese.

Derham asks Laura if she’s worn mirrors before, and I suddenly I have a great idea for a fun and dangerous theme party. Dunham dresses Laura up in red as what he calls a Chinese disco ball, but we are not fooled and know that he has dressed her in actual dragon scales that he has collected over the centuries. He loves Laura, but wants better catwalk and movement. Catwalking Jehosephat, Tyra, bring something like this up regularly throughout the season! Then you don’t have to cram it all in at once.

Oh, this is the end of Gregory Derham. I have grown very fond of him and will miss him. See you the next time I watch Labyrinth, Gregory!

Sophie practices her Chinese greetings, then walks into Spy to pose for Henry Lau in a crazy patterned halter dress. And evening gloves. Lau gives her your Great-Aunt Ruby’s third-favorite church hat to complete the look. Did I mention the red leggings? Oh, sorry. I hope that didn’t make you poke your eyeballs out like Oedipus. Lau thinks Sophie could be a Spy girl. Well, not if she doesn’t get better at hiding the cyanide caplet in her tooth… I’ve said too much.

Annaliese’s date calms her down as he takes her to Nude Is Rude and they do some deep breathing. Laura’s date takes her to Henry Lau. Don’t do it, Laura! There are crazy patterned halter dresses in there! Too late. She’s in one, looking like your Great-Aunt Ruby’s wild friend Beulah, who is going straight from Crazy Patterned Halter Dress Day at the beach to pick up someone – anyone – at Trader Vic’s.

I think I see why Lau calls his line Spy: You can get away with literally any act of international espionage while horrified bystanders are unable to stop staring at your terrible dress and leggings. Lau likes Laura very much, especially her hair and portfolio.

Marisa Zeman at Nude is Rude likes Sophie and says the clothes suited her. Annaliese takes a moment to dis Sophie’s walk in an interview, and then she too is walking at Nude is Rude. The clothes are what I would call Slinky Dressy Casual, and look quite good. Zeman likes Annaliese the best because of her personality. Annaliese again says she hopes she booked three.

Sophie sweetly hugs her date and thanks him for the emotional boosts. Then the ladies get on to a traditional Hong Kong junk with… Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. Criminy. I’m pretending the good people of Macau won’t let her set foot on dry land until she stops making that crabface.

She has some criticism! The designers loved Laura, but not her walk. For chrissakes, Tyra, WE ARE ADEQUATELY FAMILIAR WITH THIS CONCEPT AND ARE WILLING TO SIGN AFFIDAVITS TO THAT EFFECT. Two designers loved Sophie best and two loved Annaliese best, but they both did very well.

Laura booked at two go-sees, and racks up 2,000 HKD. Annaliese made her goal and booked three, and Sophie booked all four!

Sophie is very happy because the designers’ styles are so different (eveningwear, contemporary clubbing, magical disco fairy costumes, and bad) that she feels like she can book anywhere now. She’ll also be that face of Nude is Rude in Hong Kong for a whole year, and gets a junk full of free clothes from the clients. Wow. Sophie just racked up some vicious luggage fees for the plane ride home.

LPRMKC counts off Sophie’s money in French for no damn reason whatsoever. No time to think about it, because LPRMKC says it’s time to try out the Hong Kong Nightlife and they’re going to roll like Power Girls. Eugh. Hey, LPRMKC, if you’re all about empowering, why do you insist on calling grown, powerful women “girls?” Because it’s still important to be cutesy, even if you’re running a company? I think someone can become the Legendary Maven of Biting Me.

A Club in Hong Kong!
The models bring along their dates, because sure. Once you’ve been through LMoBMKC, you share a bond. They all get cocktails that involve pouring a dark liquid into what look like glasses of beer. I want to call them sake bombs, but sake is Japanese and I’ve only seen clear sake. Let’s call them “filthy boilermakers.” Laura loved that day and wants to keep doing that forever. Sophie interviews that she spent her $4,000 HKD in 5 minutes! Those were some pricey filthy boilermakers.

Tyra Mail!
“Tomorrow will be a dream come true. Fierce and Love,Tyra.” The models are no dummies and know that they will be shooting for Dream Come True, the ANTM fragrance. How did they get it to smell like ego and mid-level production values?

The MGM Macau!
Isn’t this where they’ve already been living? I guess you can’t beat the commute. Jay Manuel is here! He’s surprised that they’re already down to the final three, and says it’s anyone’s game. Thanks as always for the searing insights, Jay.

Laura interviews that she wants to win based on her work, not because she’s an American. Now, why would anyone think that the competition could get thrown to pander to silly jingoism? What? Oh, right. Carry on.

Sophie says this is the most important photo shoot, because it’s “the real deal.” Well, at least it’s a real product in which Tyra Banks is invested. Jay says they’re going to do something “very high fashion and super-cool.” They’ll be shooting the models inside a giant perfume bottle. For heaven’s sake, Jay, poke some holes in the lid!

Jay reminds the models how important it is to appear youthful and joyful. While trapped in a bottle.

Jez Smith will be the photographer! Hooray! He’s been a judge on Australia’s Next Top Model. I bet he and Nigel have some interesting stories to swap.

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