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“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.11): Don’t Rub That Bottle

Last week!

Alisha got super tired of Modelland all at once and tried to sacrifice herself, but Eboni got kicked off along with her anyway. Wow, that was cold.

Modelland East!

Laura says she needs coffee and wine – she can’t go to bed after that crazy, tear-filled elimination. Annaliese interviews that Alisha and Eboni‘s exit was traumatic, as she knew it would be if either of them got kicked off. We see old footage of Angel Falls in Venezuela — no, sorry, that’s Alisha crying.

Laura interviews that Alisha’s spirit broke, which, hell, yes it did. Right in two, all at once. The only clues the show gave us were that she did not care for heights or anyone contemplating the possible enjoyment of sex. That can’t be what snapped her. She had moxie once! Curse you, show, for not giving us the real story. Unless the real story is something really not funny, in which case, um, thank you.

Sophie is oddly proud of Alisha for stepping out, but bummed that she did so after she got so close. She thinks Alisha could have been the winner. Sophie says she would never walk out on the show because she’s a fighter. We re-learn that she’s tried to model since she was 11 years old, that she had no financial support from her parents, and that she worked as a model, waitress, and hostess all at the same time. It looks like the producers already used up everyone’s hard-knock life stories, so brace yourself for some repetition this week and next.

(Oh, did you think it was the finale just because we’re down to three this week and that’s always when the final is? SPOILER: Wrongo.)

Annaliese says she’s the underdog because of her age and height but she says she makes up for it with her personality. We’re certainly heard about her personality, but I believe her height has only been mentioned once before, way at the beginning of the season. Did Tyra fire all the editors halfway through shooting? They seem to be having extra trouble creating coherent story arcs this cycle. Giant boxes of treats no one gets to see, weird competitions with no consequences, and then bango! Major model crises just sneak up on you.

I’m not complaining, it’s just strange. Stranger than usual, anyway. Put down the branding and catchphrases, Tyra, and go back to the radiant core of what once worked for you: Goading young women into catfights because you deliberately didn’t give them enough beds.

Laura is the last American standing! (Not to mention the remaining member of Team LezBiModel! Go, Laura, Go!) Laura is proud of her back-to-back best pictures and the fact that she made it past all the other fine American competitors and all the British girls too. (especially, one assumes, the ones she openly could not stand). Laura says she had to grow up fast, always starting at new schools. Wait, what? Why? She says that her ascension on America’s Next Top Model proves that the American Dream is real, because you can do anything you put your mind to.

I want to invent time travel just so I can go back to 1952 and walk around telling people that in my era, the American Dream involves posing in a silk evening gown after someone has stuck a bucket of caterpillars all over you.

Tyra Mail!

“Get up and go for it in the Pearl of the East. Fierce and Love, Tyra.” I am not even going to try to reproduce the insane typography and capitalization in this one, so don’t even ask. It’s like it was written by Edgar Allen Poe‘s weirder Goth brother after a night of absinthe and energy drinks.

I immediately get excited about the pearl and hope that the models are going to have to do an underwater photo shoot while trying to snatch prizes out of a giant clam, but no such luck. (Oh, clams can too make pearls. Cut me some slack. Besides, snatching things from a giant oyster would be ridiculous.)

The models immediately know that it’s more damned go-sees. Laura says a blurred F-word. She can’t stand it. In her defense, she accurately points out that they’ve already done this in Toronto and Beverly Hills. On the other hand, it’s a modeling competition, and this is one of the few things they do that seems to have at least a vague connection to actual modeling. Still, I’m kind of with Laura on this one. What happened to the challenges like the one when they had to crawl through a maze of lasers?

Annaliese says Laura is very much in the top slot, but has a complex that she can’t walk, like Annaliese’s “complex” over being short for a model, which has been mentioned exactly once, right at the beginning of the season. Tyra! Don’t fire all the editors at once! You need someone who has some sense of a through line! Anyway, Annaliese says that if Laura can’t build up her confidence about that, she’s probably going home.

Credits!

I’ll admit it: I’m going to miss these when they’re gone. I still love you, Louise! And fear you! Call me!

Time for a Van Ride!

Sophie is worried that Laura is ahead with the judges. She says that America is so big that it’s worldwide, so if you make it there, you’ve made it all over the world. It’s almost like if you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. Sophie complains that if you’ve made it in England, you’ve only made it in England. Anyway, she wants to make it somewhere.

They get to Hong Kong and take the Star Ferry across the harbor. Oh, sweet heaven, Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is there! Are they crazy? I have worked on ships; having her on board is definitely bad luck.

Annaliese reminds us that LPRMKC hates her. Which puts Annaliese in good company, as LPRMKC is continuing with her delightful personal public relations tactic of making a constant sourface as though the very sun, moon, and stars just brought her a pizza with the wrong toppings on it.

LPRMKC says that the models will be working with the most talented designers in Hong Kong. I will note that “talented” is one of those squishy adjectives that is impossible to really pin down. Lucky them. LPRMKC also announces that the models will receive 1,000 Hong Kong Dollars for each go-see they book. LPRMKC says the models can win up to 4,000 HKD, which is about — sad trombone slide — $500. (She is correct.)

Annaliese likes the fact that there is cash on the line, and that go-sees are an actual real-world things that models have to do, and are thus a good indication of how well one would do if she were plunked down into the world of modeling. Fair enough.

Oh, good gravy. LPRMKC has some insane self-branding thing where she calls herself a “Power Girl.” I bet it took a while to stop accidentally saying “Puff.” She says, “When Power Girls like to travel, we like to roll with some hot dudes.” I do so enjoy it when people manage to be objectifying and heterosexist in the same breath.

Long story short, the models get to choose from three of the top male models in Hong Kong to help them get around. Boo! In most cycles, the fun of Go-See Week is that a) it just happens one damn time and b) the models frantically rush around and cannot use public transportation and many of them become hopelessly lost in foreign cities, eventually giving up hope of rescue and taking up quiet lives of fishing and/or bank robbery.

LPRMKC Calls the male models Bachelors Number 1, 2, and 3. I’m glad she emphasized their singleness. The raw chemistry in the room could eventually melt ice cream, assuming it was left to stand there long enough.

Laura gets first pick, then Sophie, then Annaliese. Laura picks Stylas, Sophie picks Xeno, and Annaliese gets David. (I think those are their names. The poor guys don’t even get captions like everybody else. If only they knew some sort of public relations expert.) David immediately spoils the fun by giving the cab driver clear directions in Cantonese instead of failing to read a map, bursting into tears, and asking random strangers for directions. He quizzes Annaliese on how to say “Hi, how are you?” in Cantonese, and she seems to make him uncomfortable by nailing it. He seems a little embarrassed by the whole thing. Can you blame him?

Sophie shows her date the fist-bump and explosion handshake, which he doesn’t believe is real. She giggles appealingly, then says she really, really, really wants to win. Xeno says she will. Sophie interviews that she knows she’s a booker and wants to impress Kelly Cutrone. Don’t we all? Sophie says that the real world of modeling is going out there to go-sees and castings every single day. She’s quite serious under all the cute.

Hong Kong!

William Tan, standing in his own shop, adorably explains to Sophie that he’s a designer from Hong Kong. Sophie looks gorgeous in a coral draped gown. She poses for Tan and can’t tell if he likes her. He says she can try on anything with her figure.

Laura recaps the competition and points out that she might work with these people in the future, so doing a crap job is out. She looks good in a champagne gown, but Tan critiques Laura’s walk, and says she’s unstable. (Her walk.) (I think.)

If Laura’s walk is really so bad, this cycle is a criminal under-use of Miss J. Alexander. Whipping runway walks into shape is his whole deal, remember, Tyra? No, you’re right: Just have him stand there for no reason on kung fu day. Laura can tell she got dinged on her walk and is bummed out.

Annaliese also hits William Tan, and he puts her in scarlet, which is a good choice because it looks amazing on her. Annaliese cannily points out that she has the advantage of standing out in the trio, not to mention a beautiful chocolate complexion. Tan says she has flair. He loves her.

Oh, Sophie goes to House of Siren to see the quite possibly mad and definitely part wood-gnome Gregory Derham. He immediately loves Sophie and dresses her as Marie Antoinette. Kazam! It’s unhinged and fantastic. Sophie loves it and he loves it and we have just gotten to see a very special meeting of the souls. I hope they got to talk later. If they did, I bet it was adorably loony.

Annaliese is at Henry Lau in a crazy print halter dress. I am not crazy about crazy print halter dresses. What good do they do anyone? Case in point: On this show, you see three crazy print halter dresses on three beautiful women, and each time you immediately think for a second that you’ve just run into your great-aunt Ruby at the beach. Lau gives Annaliese a lot of direction (“More cool. A little bit sexy and romantic.”) and has her walk three different times, each time with open dissatisfaction. Annaliese knows he’s not into her, but she bucks up and is good-natured about it with her date. Her goal is to book three, so she knows that she needs to bring it to the next two, because Henry Lau is a definite no-go.

Lau says he won’t book Annaliese because he needs some cool girls who are sexy and straightforward. Ouch.

Sophie is nervous about these go-sees, and promises to do her date proud at each of them, more to buck herself up and have something to say than anything else. It’s awkward and endearing.

Laura is still petrified about her walk.

Commercials!

The CW is advertising a special that features Perez Hilton and Katy Perry. If that Mayan prophecy kicks in before it can air, I will consider it totally worth it.

Still in Hong Kong, but it’s night now!

Sophie says the nightlife is amazing. She loves the thousand (Hong Kong)-dollar prize and the slice or real-world modeling.

Laura goes to Nude is Rude and meets designer Marisa Zeman, who says that now that her new company is growing, it’s time to have a face. I just said the same thing about the golem in my lab. Zeman puts Laura in an intriguing catsuit sort if thing and says that Laura looks good, but her walk is not strong. WE GET IT.

Sophie calls Annaliese a presenter, not a model, and said she’s climbed her way up in the competition by presenting herself well. Which is true, but still: Here she is. I know what they mean when they say Annaliese is more of a TV host, but after a point, it’s weird to keep dinging her for cannily using a skill set that makes designers go bananas over her.

Speaking of bananas, Annaliese is in a sparkly Josephine Baker banana skirt with a spangly gold-and-black bra. Yes, of course she’s with Gregory Derham. I don’t know when you’re supposed to be able to wear his clothes outdoors, but I may not care. He’s designing clothes for whatever sparkly world he lives in, and I want to visit. He loves Annaliese, and well he should — she wouldn’t have been too far off-base if she’d been a way less good sport about that ensemble. Instead, she accurately sums Derham and his clothes up as nutty, but in a nutty good way, and then takes on the sex kitten persona of someone who would wear it. Well played, Annaliese.

Derham asks Laura if she’s worn mirrors before, and I suddenly I have a great idea for a fun and dangerous theme party. Dunham dresses Laura up in red as what he calls a Chinese disco ball, but we are not fooled and know that he has dressed her in actual dragon scales that he has collected over the centuries. He loves Laura, but wants better catwalk and movement. Catwalking Jehosephat, Tyra, bring something like this up regularly throughout the season! Then you don’t have to cram it all in at once.

Oh, this is the end of Gregory Derham. I have grown very fond of him and will miss him. See you the next time I watch Labyrinth, Gregory!

Sophie practices her Chinese greetings, then walks into Spy to pose for Henry Lau in a crazy patterned halter dress. And evening gloves. Lau gives her your Great-Aunt Ruby’s third-favorite church hat to complete the look. Did I mention the red leggings? Oh, sorry. I hope that didn’t make you poke your eyeballs out like Oedipus. Lau thinks Sophie could be a Spy girl. Well, not if she doesn’t get better at hiding the cyanide caplet in her tooth… I’ve said too much.

Annaliese’s date calms her down as he takes her to Nude Is Rude and they do some deep breathing. Laura’s date takes her to Henry Lau. Don’t do it, Laura! There are crazy patterned halter dresses in there! Too late. She’s in one, looking like your Great-Aunt Ruby’s wild friend Beulah, who is going straight from Crazy Patterned Halter Dress Day at the beach to pick up someone — anyone — at Trader Vic’s.

I think I see why Lau calls his line Spy: You can get away with literally any act of international espionage while horrified bystanders are unable to stop staring at your terrible dress and leggings. Lau likes Laura very much, especially her hair and portfolio.

Marisa Zeman at Nude is Rude likes Sophie and says the clothes suited her. Annaliese takes a moment to dis Sophie’s walk in an interview, and then she too is walking at Nude is Rude. The clothes are what I would call Slinky Dressy Casual, and look quite good. Zeman likes Annaliese the best because of her personality. Annaliese again says she hopes she booked three.

Sophie sweetly hugs her date and thanks him for the emotional boosts. Then the ladies get on to a traditional Hong Kong junk with… Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. Criminy. I’m pretending the good people of Macau won’t let her set foot on dry land until she stops making that crabface.

She has some criticism! The designers loved Laura, but not her walk. For chrissakes, Tyra, WE ARE ADEQUATELY FAMILIAR WITH THIS CONCEPT AND ARE WILLING TO SIGN AFFIDAVITS TO THAT EFFECT. Two designers loved Sophie best and two loved Annaliese best, but they both did very well.

Laura booked at two go-sees, and racks up 2,000 HKD. Annaliese made her goal and booked three, and Sophie booked all four!

Sophie is very happy because the designers’ styles are so different (eveningwear, contemporary clubbing, magical disco fairy costumes, and bad) that she feels like she can book anywhere now. She’ll also be that face of Nude is Rude in Hong Kong for a whole year, and gets a junk full of free clothes from the clients. Wow. Sophie just racked up some vicious luggage fees for the plane ride home.

LPRMKC counts off Sophie’s money in French for no damn reason whatsoever. No time to think about it, because LPRMKC says it’s time to try out the Hong Kong Nightlife and they’re going to roll like Power Girls. Eugh. Hey, LPRMKC, if you’re all about empowering, why do you insist on calling grown, powerful women “girls?” Because it’s still important to be cutesy, even if you’re running a company? I think someone can become the Legendary Maven of Biting Me.

A Club in Hong Kong!

The models bring along their dates, because sure. Once you’ve been through LMoBMKC, you share a bond. They all get cocktails that involve pouring a dark liquid into what look like glasses of beer. I want to call them sake bombs, but sake is Japanese and I’ve only seen clear sake. Let’s call them “filthy boilermakers.” Laura loved that day and wants to keep doing that forever. Sophie interviews that she spent her $4,000 HKD in 5 minutes! Those were some pricey filthy boilermakers.

Tyra Mail!

“Tomorrow will be a dream come true. Fierce and Love,Tyra.” The models are no dummies and know that they will be shooting for Dream Come True, the ANTM fragrance. How did they get it to smell like ego and mid-level production values?

The MGM Macau!

Isn’t this where they’ve already been living? I guess you can’t beat the commute. Jay Manuel is here! He’s surprised that they’re already down to the final three, and says it’s anyone’s game. Thanks as always for the searing insights, Jay.

Laura interviews that she wants to win based on her work, not because she’s an American. Now, why would anyone think that the competition could get thrown to pander to silly jingoism? What? Oh, right. Carry on.

Sophie says this is the most important photo shoot, because it’s “the real deal.” Well, at least it’s a real product in which Tyra Banks is invested. Jay says they’re going to do something “very high fashion and super-cool.” They’ll be shooting the models inside a giant perfume bottle. For heaven’s sake, Jay, poke some holes in the lid!

Jay reminds the models how important it is to appear youthful and joyful. While trapped in a bottle.

Jez Smith will be the photographer! Hooray! He’s been a judge on Australia’s Next Top Model. I bet he and Nigel have some interesting stories to swap.

Hair and makeup!

The ladies meet Ben Bennett, the creative director and founder of Hatch Beauty. He’s the creator of Dream Come True, the America’s Next Top Model fragrance. Ooh, Ben! You misspelled “Hack Beauty.”

Ben says he’s a tough client. He says, for real, “Fragrance imagery, many people feel, is just as important as the fragrance itself.” Have we all taken a mild-to-medium dislike to Ben? Good.

Being the face of a product feels like a pressure situation to Annliese, even though we’ve heard that she’s a TV presenter one million billion times. Laura, in a pink bodysuit, is shown a million miles of tulle.

Sophie wonders if a Brit can win America’s Next Top Model. Of course you can, Sophie. It’s not American Next Top Model, it’s America’s Next Top Model. It doesn’t preclude you from winning. It just means that if you do win, we get to annex you.

Laura feels pressure to do well on the shoot because she sucked on the challenge. And she’s not necessarily feeling this shoot; Laura says she’s not a frilly pink princess. She says she’s not a Barbie doll, and in fact used to burn the heads of her Barbie dolls. She’s way out of her comfort zone. What will she do in a bottle in a frilly pink dress?

(One upside of this shoot: It made me think of the Pogues song “Bottle of Smoke,” which you should look up and enjoy immediately. The lyrics are too hilariously swear-filled to quote here, but it will cheer you up faster than almost anything. You’re welcome.)

Inside a Bottle!

Sophie fist-pumps and Ben tells her to show the joyfulness in her eyes. Sophie’s eyes are watching Laura, her strongest competition. There is wind in the bottle! Sophie claps and says it’s fun. Jay says she’s magical and pretty.

Laura is worried because Sophie is rocking her shoot. Ben says Sophie was good but repetitive.

Jay tells Annaliese to be light. Sophie says (again) that Annaliese is a presenter. Jay doesn’t see happy, and Jez doesn’t see excitement. It’s weird — all of Annaliese’s bubbly and vivacious traits somehow disappeared when they stuffed her into a bottle.

Annaliese is choking so hard a CPR mannequin drops by to check in on her. She can’t feel her dreams coming true, there inside the bottle. Annaliese is losing it and can’t seem to work past the block. Which is odd, what with the wise and soothing presence of Mr. Jay right there. “Are you seeing your dream in front of you?” he scolds in his snide pretending-to-help voice, “I mean, is this what you’d look like when your dream came true?” Annalies says no, and feels bad, which certainly helps her look happy and dreamy for the shoot.

Annaliese, pretty sure she’s blown it, says she’s just grateful to get this far. Ben likes her smile, but says she was stiff and took more than 200 shots.

Laura points out that her dream come true is not in a being stuck in a bottle in a floofy dress. Admit it: You could totally spend an evening hanging out with Laura.

Jay says Laura is getting too sexy, and to stay dreamy. Ben says Laura wasn’t joyous at the beginning. (DUDE, SHE WAS IN A BOTTLE.) Jay tells her Laura to be less sexy and more happy. Ben says joyousness was missing from a lot of what Laura was doing in the beginning. Bold words from a man whose apparent life goal is to find new levels of pissy.

Annaliese says that Laura could win because she takes great photos, but doesn’t know if she’s a good role model. Annaliese returns to last week’s silly, ungrounded theme and says Laura is too sexy. Actually, she says that throughout this competition, Laura has been “Sex, sex, sex, sex, and a little bit more sex.” (Really? How come it didn’t start making the edits until a week or two ago when someone suddenly decided they needed a storyline?) And then Annaliese makes a prune face. Buzz off, Annaliese. Hey, young ladies! It’s OK to choose role models who are upfront about the fact that they enjoy sex. Just make sure you choose the ones who are smart about it. Annaliese says that America’s Next Top Model might be slightly tainted like if Laura were chosen, which you only need to know because it means Annaliese said “taint.”

Jay says this shoot might knock Laura out of the final two.

Modelland East!

The TyraMail of Doom appears. Sophie says she was raised in the country with rabbits and sheep and worked hard to get to London. She’s happy to have 33% chance of winning. Annaliese says her shoot didn’t go well and hopes her challenge performance saves her. She earns a few redemption points by saying she wants girls to know you don’t have to be 5’10” and a beanpole to be a model.

Sophie says that Ben was quite a difficult client. And, let’s be honest, he’s probably a pill in general. Laura says she’s had a hard, whirlwind year, but it’s made her a better and stronger person. She says she can’t go home.

Panel!

Tyra, judging by the slash in her outfit, has just been in a fencing match, but she showed up anyway. That’s some modeling moxie.

Laura is wearing an American flag headband and ratted hair and looks like she’s trying out for a part in a Poison video. Possibly as young Bret Michaels.

Does Tyra say the prizes in a longer way every week to make up for the time that is no longer filled by fallen models? Why is it so long? Tyra tries to make a silly fragrance joke, but instead ends up smelling her fingers just like Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Laura comes up and Tyra notes that she booked two go-sees. Then, showing some good fashion sense, Tyra says “Child, did you book them looking like this?” Laura says she’s being crazy. Correct.

Nigel says her shot looks gorgeous, ethereal, and feminine. LMoBMKC says Laura’s not what 18-year-olds want to look like, she’s what 50-year-olds who want to look like 25-year-olds would look like. What?

Tyra also loves it, but says Laura isn’t hitting the right demographic.

Annaliese booked three go-sees. LMoBMKC says Annaliese has come a long way and won her over. OK, good.

Nigel says she doesn’t look like a model. Why is there a rope in Annaliese’s bottle? Jez says she froze up and took too many frames. Oh, lord, LMoBMKC says Annaliese is too muscular. Tyra says same thing. God forbid Annaliese should look healthy and athletic. Normal people covet your arms, Annaliese. Don’t back down!

Jez says the shoot was made for Sophie. Nigel says Sophie doesn’t look beautiful, but the picture is. That’s some sort of logic puzzle trick statement and I refuse to fall for it. Because consistency means nothing here, LMoBMKC says “I’d like to see that dress up, like, ‘Ha!’ I’d like to see it up, like ‘I’m hot! I’m fun!'” Yes, fine. Young, joyous and ethereal, but lifting her dress up in hotness. Got it.

Time to deliberate! Two models will be in a fashion show for Forever 21. Ick. When you’re in that show, do you just walk out and point to the next catwalk over so people can see which designs Forever 21 will be ripping off? Also: If Eboni had made it this far and done the Forever 21 fashion show as “30-Never,” would she start aging backwards? Or would she finally relax into those two firm, nonconflicting commands?

Tyra says one girl will be eliminated and wonders if the final will be two Brits or an American and a Brit. I’m pretty sure that’s her way of showing Nigel that she can solve logic puzzles too. Dominance retained!

Judges!

They say Laura is high-fashion, but a 17-year-old won’t like her photo. (And they know this how?) But that a teenager’s mom will want it. God, I hope not. They say Laura is young and fresh and a little rock and roll. Jez says she couldn’t drop sexiness.

Tyra gives us the following insight into age and life: “The 18-year-old wants to be 25. The 25-year-old wants to be 27. The 30-year-old girl wants to be…18!” Well, maybe, but only an emotionally stunted dingleberry. And what 25-year-old is yearning for 27? Is she that focused on her car insurance rates?

They say that Annaliese looks cataloguey. LMoBMKC says Annaliese taught her that a good headspace and good personality can take you a long way. I’m glad we’ve all learned something together.

They also say Sophie isn’t youthful. Whatfreakingever. Tyra says she’s a model.

Still at panel!

Three beautiful ladies stand before Tyra: Two British girls and one American! Are we all clear on that concept? I’ll hand around a chart.

First finalist:

Sophie!

She seems dazed and happy.

Laura and Annaliese step forward. The judges that Laura is different! But she was fired from a runway show in Toronto because of her walk. The judges wonder if she’s a one-trick pony and can’t be soft.

Annaliese was just a catalogue girl when she started out and has gotten better. She’s not tall, but she books! But is that just her personality? Who gives a rat if she books? Sorry, that last question might not have actually been in there.

Laura stays. We knew that. They call her a pirate again. I really want to see the missing footage that resulted in that nickname. Anyway, Team LezBiModel is still in the running! Yar!

Tyra warns Laura about her runway walk, then hugs Annaliese, says she underestimated her, and tells her to go after star-ness like crazy. Annaliese says she worked hard and surpassed expectations. She’s happy. She has a great attitude, and, as we’ve all learned this week, that goes a long way. Good luck, Annaliese!

Next week: The top two battle it out! They show Laura lying on the ground needing a medic. Oh, no! 

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