“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.10): Kung Fu Crying

 
 

Eboni was not scared, so Nigel says she should have done more. He liked the body language, but not her face. LPRMCK thinks the proportions of Eboni’s headpiece are off. Which would be an excellent thing to bitch about to the art director or the wardrobe stylist, neither of whom are here. This is something like the third time LPRMCK has made comments that suggest she thinks models design clothes and sets and things. Maven, my tooch pad. 

Tyra also doesn’t like Eboni’s face and says she needs to learn her angles. Tyra tells Eboni that she, too, needed to learn her angles once, and how to cheat for the camera. And then she knocks Eboni to the floor, makes her show her belly, and bites her neck. 

Laura looks chic and fantastic. “Nick” thinks Laura needs more leg extension, and Tyra compliments his eye, but loves this photo. Well played, Laura. 

Judging!

Tyra says “Are y’all ready to eliminate somebody? I said, are y’all ready to eliminate somebody?” in a sweet Southern Belle accent while wildly batting her eyes. A shot of Nicholas Tse as he says “Yes, Tyra,” reveals that he has no freaking idea why she is doing that. It might be the funniest moment of the show. 

LPRMCK calls Annaliese a TV presenter again. Does she know what that phrase means? I think she thinks it means “serial nun puncher.” Nicholas agrees that she’s an actress. LPRMCK keeps yelling “She’s not a model!” Nigel points out that Annaliese keeps getting better, and invokes Mercedes from Cycle 2. He says Mercedes was similar to Annaliese, which she was not, and that she is still a successful model, which, OK, not a bad point. 

Nigel thinks Alisha should be able to model, but can’t. He also says she doesn’t know what her feet are doing, which is fascinating. I understand that, though: While I was doing last week’s recap, my feet totally robbed a bank and I didn’t even notice until I pulled off my new Fabergé slippers to go to sleep. LPRMCK says, “Really, there’s nothing sadder than a 6-foot girl who’s a size 2 that’s that beautiful that’s not photogenic.” She’s right: Famine is hilarious compared to that. Nigel says he needs a woman to have sense of humor. Fist bump, Nigel. 

LPRMCK is still making fun of Sophie’s picture. She says she looks like a weather vane and then makes gestures that look nothing like a weather vane, but do look like a Godzilla attack. LPRMCK works in mysterious ways. Nicholas says Sophie is adorable and energetic. Correct. LPRMCK is incredibly pissy this evening, and says that as a publicist – IS EVERYONE AWARE THAT SHE’S A PUBLICIST? – she would have been on the phone trying to get the terrified Sophie pulled off the shoot because she might not be able to deliver. 

Nigel: “But she did.” 

LPRMCK: “-ish.” 

And with that, LPRMCK is dead to me for the rest of the episode. 

Which means that some ghost spent a minute bitching about Eboni’s pose. Nigel says he liked Eboni’s calm persona – neither too jazzed nor too scared, and a photographer wants that. 

Everyone loves Laura’s photo. Nigel points out that she had the advantage of not being hampered by fear drool, but I’m pretty sure we just got that bit to add “suspense.” 

Best Photo:

Laura! Go, Team LesBimodel, go! 

Runner up:

Sophie 

Exact Middle:

Annaliese 

Alisha and Eboni remain! Both are sobbing, both have high potential. Both are disappointing! 

This Week’s Obsolete Model:

Eboni — OR IS SHE?! 

Alisha says she can’t stay! She has things she needs to do for herself to get her spirit back and be Alisha again. She says she can’t take this away from Eboni. 

Whoa! Tyra says Alisha can leave, but Eboni is leaving with her. Eboni knows she’s been boned and she’s not cool with it. She is stonefaced at having been dicked over as Tyra coaches her on learning to find her angles and gently humps her off the show. Alisha is sobbing as Tyra hugs her. She says that this is harder than modeling, accidentally pointing out that the show does not, in fact, have much to do with modeling. 

We are down to the top three, y’all. See you next time for go-sees and models posing inside a giant bottle! 

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