“America’s Next Top Model” mini-cap: Threesomes

I think I’m going to have to start keeping a case of sugar free Red Bull next to my couch to keep myself awake for this cycle of America’s Next Top Model. I think even Tyra is bored with these girls, she can’t even muster up enough energy to keep up the crazy.

The latest episode started with NIcole finally facing the fact that she talks like a stoner. Harsh-faced Kara isn’t a fan of Nicole because she’s “awkward and slow and makes a fool of herself with every five words she says.” Even her criticism is boring! The newly confident ptosis girl, Jennifer, said Nicole might be good but “she’s not making it to the end.” Little models are just like regular models — they’re catty bitches!

Tyra Mail comes and says, “Now that you’ve learned to smize, let’s see what you can do without your eyes.”

The girls are psyched about going to work with the master of body movement, Benny Ninja. Since Ashley is a dancer, she felt really confident in her ability to do well with whatever challenge was going to be placed in front of them.

For some reason, they decided they needed guest stars Lil Mama and dance troupe the Jabbawockeez to help with the challenge.

The girls are broken up into teams of three and told to come up with a choreographed routine that expresses happiness, sadness and anger. Instead of really helping the girls and giving them some helpful skills or hints to work with, they just tell them to get ‘er done. The winners will receive a prize worth $17k in jewelry.

As the girls rehearse, Jennifer, Kara and Rae get really excited about Kara doing a cartwheel. I’m not sure why this is such big news, but they squeal with glee.

Ashley was pissed about being on a team with Nicole and Erin, the most uncoordinated people in the house.

Jabbawockeez did their dance and it was alright, not amazing. Next up was the models’ turn. Rae, Kara and Jennifer actually did do really well together. I was impressed. Laura, Sundai and Brittany were pretty good too. I liked the fake double dutch but Erin wasn’t very impressed. Ashley Nicole and Erin were pretty terrible.

Rhonda Faber Green was the jewelry designer who was giving them $17k worth of jewelry that looked like you could have picked it up at Target for $20.

When it came down to the judging, Ashley’s team came in last place for confusing everyone. The cartwheel team ended up taking the prize.

Ashley was shocked, she thought her group had the most dance movement: “If it had been me by myself, totally different story.” Meanwhile, Nicole and Erin were sitting right there. What a bitch.

That night the girls were woken up by Jay Manuel video mail looking like Max Hedrom. He told them to get ready and head to Vegas! Squeal!

They went directly to the Cirque du Soleil auditorium where I thought I must be Robo-tripping because there was a giant snail and some weird creatures creeping me out from the television.

The girls are transformed into freaky models in groups of three with Mike Rosenthal as the guest photographer.

Jennifer fell flat in her shoot, she shouldn’t have been talking smack about Nicole! Sundai was working it. Nicole kept getting corrected. Laura was coming alive, Ashley was struggling again.

Kara wasn’t memorable except for being a handsomely pretty bitch.

Josie Maran was the guest judge who has been modeling for 19 years and is only 5’6″. Nice job, Boo.

Rae was fiercely smizing. Rae killed both of them and Jennifer didn’t do anything for them — she brought them down.

Laura was amazing, with her Gisele type of posing. The judges said she looked like she was climaxing. Ashley was a snoozefest. Kara looked like she got the beat down.

Erin was OK, says Nigel; very beautiful, says Josie. Nicole lost her magic. Sundai has power and her film was fantastic. The best quote of the night came from Tyra who said “Nicole went wah wah”.

Brittany Rae and Jennifer won for best picture but Jennifer’s ass was saved by the better people in their pic.

Ashley was finally sent home to Chicago. Maybe she can go sit in the Oprah audience and get discovered for something else.

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