“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: “Making Dollars Out of Scents”


Kayla says she was trying to give the camera  a little “Snooki in the face and model in the body,” which I’m really not sure is a good idea considering, well, Snooki’s face. The photographer was more concerned with Kayla’s lack of attention span thanks to a bunch of onlookers shouting things and trying to get their own camera time. I’m sorry to say it, but this might be our little lesbian’s last hurrah – which is even more disappointing because I’m sure the Dykes on Bikes would’ve really enjoyed hanging her picture up in their garages.

Angelea doing her Nene impersonation was somehow mistaken for Tyra — which I find hysterical.

Lisa was also given Nene to channel but having never watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta, says she didn’t know who she was. Bianca forgot how much she hates Lisa for a second and tried to give her pointers.

Jay ends up being super impressed by Lisa’s performance. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it kind of looks like they darkened her skin kind of like the weirdness they did with the Michael Jackson challenge. What in Al Jolson’s name are they doing this season?  I guess the darker the berry, the sweeter the spoof?

Allison and Dominique try their luck with Snooki’s look and do pretty well. Allison actually got to wear a dress that was also worn by Snooki and I’m hoping that thing was dry cleaned at least five times and maybe given the black light test before she put it on her body for this.

Bianca and Shannon had to act like the little meatball from the Jersey Shore next but only Bianca had the bright idea to request a gigantic jar of pickles to use as her prop and she won’t share the pickles with anyone else, including Allison who just wanted one to eat. 

Well, it turns out Bianca’s choice to be a pickle hoarder wasn’t a good one because her shots started looking a little phallic. Once Jay gets her to put the pickles down, she gets a few boring shots in.

Alexandria’s Nene shoot was alright but she only had one neck-wagging and finger-waving move.

Shannon — well, I’m sure you all know Shannon’s shoot was more Zzzznooki than Snooki.

The following day at panel, Kathy Griffin joined the panel from out of nowhere. I love her but I’m really not sure why she’s there.

When it came to the overall looks of the photos, all of the Nene impersonators did a fantastic job and Lisa’s was my favorite. The Snooki ladies didn’t fare as well as the others. Kayla looked a bit dead in the eyes. Bianca was bland and when she tried to defend her attitude to Nigel during the fragrance challenge, Tyra had to snap her back to the reality that she isn’t Beyonce and is just starting to make a name for herself. Meanwhile, Shannon is reminded once again that she is a big old bore.

After the judges have chosen who is going home, we find out it’s a double elimination ya’all! Thank goodness! I mean, I love coming back every week for all of you, but my cat, Mr. Lacroix, stares at me with judgment in his eyes every time I turn this show on.

The night’s top photo goes to Lisa.

The bottom three girls included Shannon, Kayla and Bianca. The girl they picked to stay in the house ended up being Shannon. Shoot me now. Bianca, it’s been real. Farewell Kayla, you gave it a good go. Thank you for bringing some positivity to lesbians being represented on reality television. 

So, we’ve got Allison, Laura, Alexandria, Dominique, Shannon, Lisa and Angelea left in this competition. Next week the girls will be singing and making their own music videos. I might need to restock my booze shelf for this one. What did you think of episode six? What would your personal fragrance mixture be? I’m not gonna lie, mine would probably be a mixture of Cazadores tequila and lime.

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