“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: “Making Dollars Out of Scents”


Bianca comes to mix her scent and as I stare at her on freeze frame I can already tell she’s using kitten blood and liquid nitrogen. She’s naming her fragrance after her branding word, “Candid,” but should really consider calling it “CrueSmella Deville,” especially when Ben takes a whiff and says, “There’s a little bit of bad girl in there.”

Alexandria decides to make her fragrance wearers do a tongue twister in order to pronounce its name: “Diamondarix” for the fashionable pole dancer in your life. She seems to take forever to choose her scent and the other girls get restless. When she’s finally chosen just the right mix of eu de mail-order-bride, Nigel comes in and tells the ladies they’ll be showing off their fragrances to “their fans” and the “general public.” Shannon jumps and squeals for joy probably not realizing that the general public prefers watching reruns of Maury over a new episode of The 700 Club.

Before anyone can get too excited, Nigel explains the models will be representing their fragrances from the comfort of their very own bathtub. This might be the most ridiculous challenge yet and I’m not forgetting about that idiotic Pink’s porn challenge with the hot dogs. Whoever wins the challenge will get immunity for the overall elimination.

As much as Bianca gets on my nerves, I am behind her 100% when she starts tearing this challenge a new one. She says even Tyra wouldn’t do this – she conducts herself too professionally to be trying to sell a fragrance from a bathtub. I feel her. But then she says, “When am I going to be taken seriously as a model and not as a gimmick?” Welcome to America’s Next Top Model, where even the creators don’t understand that they are a reality TV show, so why would you expect anything else?

Lisa tells her she agrees with her but that she’s going to have to roll with it otherwise someone else will be there to do it in her place. This is true and that someone’s name is Kim Kardashian.

Later that night, the girls get glammed up and ready to meet their fans. When I say “fans”, I mean it in the same way that I mean “All Stars.” A true All Star, Cycle 3 winner Eva Pigford, is there to cover the night’s challenge and is embodying Halle Berry’s X-Men character with that white hair of hers. She starts by asking the hard-hitting questions about what separates each model’s smell from the others. Laura chimes in first and says her scent is sweet but very natural so you can say, “Why yes, (hair twirl) that IS my natural smell.” Lisa says her fragrance is called “Neon” because it’s just fun and she’s a Cali girl.

It’s bathtub time and the girls are getting their feet wet. Laura’s scent seemed to do really well while Kayla’s scent doesn’t seem to be representing “Free.” Lisa is getting the party started like Montell Jordan walked up in the house and started singing “This Is How We Do It.” She’s splashing around, getting people to dance with her and no one seems to care whether her scent is like a summer breeze or the night after a fraternity kegger. It’s all good.

No big shocker here: Bianca is the party police and ready to break up all the fun by wanting models to act like ladies. Like I said, I understand where she’s coming from, but there’s a time and a place for all of that and a show on the CW is not that place. She says, “Nigel knows not to mess with me.”

At the end of the night, Eva announced Lisa as the big winner. She not only gets to have her own fragrance, she also gets to stay for another week no matter how well her picture does in the overall challenge. I’m not mad about it; I actually like Lisa a lot more than other people seem to because even when she over-thinks the challenges, she always tries her best and stays true to herself. OK, that’s as nice as I will probably get so enjoy it while you can.

For this week’s picture challenge, Jay Manuel finally lets his queen flag fly as he explains how the ladies are going to be driven via motorcycle all over Hollywood. The challenge? Oh, this is rich. They’re supposed to be channeling the outrageous personalities of reality TV stars like Snooki and Nene Leakes. This show is giving me whiplash with all of this reality TV stuff. Make up your damn mind because poor Alexandria doesn’t know what to do with herself now that she was just told not to portray “Reality TV Star” only to have to portray “Reality TV Star” in this challenge. I guess she should’ve added some pickle juice to her fragrance.

Kayla is ready to get buck wild with this challenge. She hops up on one of the other contestants and does a little “ride ‘em cowgirl” on their lap. Shannon says she’s too good for watching Jersey Shore and so this shoot is going to be difficult for her because she won’t know their mannerisms. Come on Shannon, just pretend you’re Paula Deen and you found a great sale on butter at Costco. Done and done.

Laura steps up to the motorcycle first and is sporting a short brunette wig that I don’t find particularly unattractive. The fur on her shoulders is a bit cheap hooker but other than that, she makes a bangin’ Nene.

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