“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: “If Bitch Is Your Brand You Can Succeed In Reality Television”

Kayla looks the hottest I’ve seen her so far this season and she is paired with Dominique who looks pretty fierce herself. For me, the poses started off nicely but according to Jay Manuel and Kayla, Dominique wasn’t changing up her facial expressions or poses enough.

Camille and Isis are paired together and Camille says she can’t let a transgender person beat her at something she feels people born with vaginas should excel at. I am so sick of this topic already, it should be a non-issue when it comes to the actual modeling. 

Bianca has a panic attack and Lisa really does a great job of being a team player and trying to get her in the game. It didn’t work at first but in the end they came out with some really nice pictures.

Bre and Laura work together and their moves look great, like, even sexy! I don’t know what it is about Laura this season but she is oozing sex. I feel like every time she looks at Nigel she’s about to pounce.

Next up, Alexandria and Shannon do a battle of the blondes. Jay Manuel gets a little catty with Shannon about how she’s feeling ok in such a revealing wardrobe (why did they bring her back unless it was to see her crying about the skimpy clothing again?). She says she’s totally fine because it’s a bathing suit and she checked it beforehand because she knew he would ask. I still don’t understand her logic but that’s ok, that’s not why we’re here.

Alexandria’s new look is making me think differently of her. Maybe having the wrong haircut all those years turned her into an icy bitch and the right pair of layering shears was the key to warming her heart. Her poses were great but she starts to go over the top and ends up being too dramatic for Jay Manuel and for Sarah Silver.

At the judge’s table, Tyra is channeling Michael Jackson again with her black on red ensemble and totally works those suspenders. Isis gets dressed like the Black Swan and I need to pause for a minute to go watch Ms. Black Swan because that will never get old.

All of the judges, but especially Andre Leon Talley, are so excited by this shoot because it’s so different. 

Shannon and Alexandria’s photo goes over well and I thought it was really hot.

Angelea actually did a nice job of calmly confronting Nigel and asking him what he wants from her. Tyra talks about the SNL parody of her, which she thought was hilarious.

Angelea and Allison’s photo is weaker than the last one but we get to learn all about “Booty Tooching.” It’s so easy, even Kristin Cavallari can do it!

They were “meh” about Kayla and Dominique’s photo and gave Dominique more props than Kayla. It’s really a shame though because when I went back through the footage of the show, it seemed like Kayla was trying a lot of different poses but they ended up choosing the most boring one in which Kayla suffers from lack of tooching.

Nigel asks Lisa if she ever takes photos with her legs together. She and Bianca end up having a great picture together. Laura and Bre were fantastic in my opinion and had one of the most interesting shots out of the group. Those two have really grown into something beyond their ANTM characters. 

When the models leave, the judges talk trash. They don’t see “Free” in Kayla’s picture and they want to see more smizing, be it a small smize or a bug-eyed crazy smize, in her face. I’d like to throw in a penalty flag on this play because there was nothing nice or even smizey about Tyra’s bug-eyed crazy smize example.

Ms. Banks says she loves Alexandria for being in her big forehead clan. They wanted Isis to take more risks other than tights, but Tyra commends her for, “Finally being herself and being like ‘Bam! so what?’” Exactly my point.

They loved Lisa’s shot, they didn’t care so much for Angelea’s but Nigel said he was impressed with the way she confronted him and asked him questions.

When the judges have their decision, Tyra comes out to say she’s been wondering why she love these shots so hard, and realized it’s because these girls are the All Stars. You can’t see me, but my eyes rolled so hard I almost lost a contact. 

Best photo of the night goes to Allison on the safe team. Thanks to her, we also get to put “Tooch” in our Tyra-to-English Dictionary. Camille gets worst photo from their group.

Alexandria and Lisa get best photos of the night for the team on the chopping block. Isis and Angelea are the bottom two pictures and I am not happy.

My exact response to last night’s final decision: OH MOTHER BITCHES, seriously? Isis is going home? She gave more interesting poses and flavor than most of the other girls.

Next week’s episode looks like it’ll be a doozy. The girls audition for an episode of CSI and Kayla gets violently ill. Are you as disappointed in last night’s episode as I am?

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