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“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: Goddess and the shes

I cannot believe the day is finally here and we can escape from this atrocious cycle of America’s Next Top Model: All Stars. The final three are about as different as can be and at this point I’m really not sure who will win or who I ultimately even want to win. Allison

is obviously my favorite model thanks to her ability to take great pictures in almost every situation and her personality not making me want to punch her in the face. I might not want Allison to win though because I would worry it would hold her back from being a bigger, more successful model. Lisa

still gets on my nerves when she trash talks or makes things uncomfortable. But I’ve got to hand it to her – she’s been taking great pictures this season, has stepped up to the plate on every challenge and would fit in well on the set of my least favorite show of all time: Extra.

We all know how I feel about Angelea

and the fact that she’s made it this far with her crappy attitude and even worse performance just proves how much of a sham this season was from the get-go. For once I wish she would realize that she wasn’t an underdog because of where she came from, but because of how she represented herself. There’s no polishing that turd.

Speaking of turds, I really hope we don’t have to watch Tyra sucking on Tyson Beckford’s thumb again.

The remaining girls are so excited about being in the top three, Angelea and Lisa forget how much they hate each other.

Was I asleep when Lisa told us about being physically and emotionally abused as a child? She says that if she wins, this will not only boost her music career but it will also be a great platform to tell people about her charity. Good for her! She says she now thinks Angelea is her biggest competition because it’s obvious she wants it really badly. Well, that and it’s obvious that Tyra wants her there for some reason.

When TYRAmail comes, Angelea has a really smart moment and is able to figure out the three lines of Greek mean, “Easy. Breezy. Beautiful.” It’s time for the classic Cover Girl commercial in a foreign language challenge!

The following day, the remaining three meet up with Jay Manuel

at a gorgeous outdoor restaurant patio. They’ll be photographed by the same guy that turned them into salad toppers for a print campaign. They also need to memorize as much of their lines as possible for the commercial shoot.

Now that we’re at the very end of the cycle, Angelea will admit that Lisa has the qualities of an All Star and is her biggest competition. Lisa sits for her print ads and impresses everyone, including me, with the way she’s able to take direction and immediately turn it into great pictures.

Lisa’s commercial shoot close-up on the eyes actually convinced me that it might be fun to try eyeshadow. Can any of my gays out there give me some tips? Because this lez only knows how to use an eyeliner pencil.

When it came down to the speaking parts of the commercial, things got a little awkward, but she pulled it off in the end.

Allison went up next and was able to take some good print pictures. Watching the shoot though, I wasn’t blown away. Her eyes are so expressive and powerful in her shots but I feel like they really only work when surrounded by other things to look at. Like, the wow factor is mostly there when regardless of what’s in the shot, your eyes are drawn to hers. When it’s time to shoot the close-up video footage of Allison’s eyes, she has more light-sensitivity issues. We’ve been here before and I don’t know why anyone is surprised, nor do I understand why they treat Allison as though she has any control over the situation. That’s like being pissed off that someone’s nose is running when it’s cold outside.

Allison did a really nice job reading her lines and coming out of her shell for the commercial.

Angelea is the last to go and Lisa says she doesn’t think she’s ready for all of this because she’s just too green and too nervous about everything. Angelea insists that she’s a better fit for Cover Girl because she’s “real” and “that’s what a cover girl is.” Um, she must not read any feminist-leaning websites if she thinks cover girls are “real.” Also, I’m still confused as to what she means when she says that she’s real, but Lisa and Allison aren’t. If she wants to see a real woman, I’m right here wearing pajama pants, a shirt with no bra, a beanie hat and some slippers. That’s real and it’s also not very sexy.

Angelea’s photos were really good and her personality came across really well and really flamboyantly on the commercial.

The following day, the girls meet up with another photographer and the stylist from Italian Vogue

at a secluded beach in Crete. The girls will be doing some fashion shoots on the beach. I smell trouble for Allison, who will most likely be posed in order to stare directly into the sun again.

As she’s getting her makeup done and her eyebrows bleached, Angelea comes over and actually gives Allison a compliment. She tells us she underestimated her this whole time and that Allison really looks like she belongs on the cover of Italian Vogue. Well duh.

From what they’re showing, all three of the girls seem to do an impressive job at the photo shoot. Lots of great angles and things actually start to look classy for once and make me feel as though this is a modeling competition.

When the girls get back to their hotel, they have a new TYRAmail telling them to get ready for the final runway challenge. Jay says this is a very exciting finale because they’ve never had three models competing in a final. They’ll be descending into a pool of water, then flying through the air onto the runway. They’ll hear the songs they wrote and will have to work the runway with the annoying sounds of “Pot ledom” in their heads. To fill out the runway, former contestants Shannon, Dominique and Laura will also be strutting their stuff.

I had totally forgotten about the challenge where the girls got to sit down and design their ideal final runway outfit with Michael Cinco. We finally get to see what their creations look like in person. The dresses came out really well but I feel like, in Angelea and Lisa’s case, it’s because Mr. Cinco scrapped most of their ideas and went with the Greek gladiator theme.

I’m so happy Laura came back for this challenge because I needed a little sunshine in this episode. She is so sweet and cute and says she knows Allison is nervous about walking the runway but she’ll do great and she’s cheering for her.

It’s almost time to line up and Angelea is starting to buckle under the pressure. She isn’t sure how her weave is going to stay in when she goes underwater, she isn’t sure how to swim and the tears start to flow. Her makeup starts to get compromised and this time there’s no one around to coddle her and tell her it will be OK. There are no time-outs or breaks to collect yourself. There is only time for Lisa to say Angelea is not ready for this career.

It’s time to start and everyone gets in a circle to get themselves pumped up. I’m a little confused as to why Jay looks like he ran his face through a bedazzler and threw on his most fierce toga. Is he our first petite male Top Model?

The first model goes and instead of a name being displayed, she only gets to be known as “Greek Model.” The entire runway process  with the water and the changing and the wind gets so confusing. Lisa and Angelea both seem to have problems swimming but they turn it all up on the runway, especially when it’s time to shake it when their songs come on.

Allison kills underwater and actually does a great job with her walk. She looked more natural than even her regular walking.

After the runway show, Angelea almost looks like she’s about to throw up. The annoying celebrity couple who I will be so happy to never see again, make it seem as though Lisa and Allison are the only two in the running to be the winner – did I miss something where Tyra already said “There are two beautiful girls who stand before me, but only one of them can be America’s Next Top Model?” Curious.

At the judge’s panel – they’re back in Los Angeles and after all of this – we are told the producers found out some things from Angelea that disqualify her from the competition. Are you serious? Angelea, you owe me a good full day of my life back – and probably more now that I’ll have to try to super-sleuth some information from the internet to find out what the hell happened. Oh well, at least I can say I’ll be ok with whoever wins at this point.

The judges had very different things to say about Lisa and Allison’s runway performances. Allison did a great job in the pool but failed at working the wind. Lisa was a mess in the pool but did a great job on the runway.

The commercials turned out pretty well. Allison’s eye sensitivity came up but since eyeshadow is best seen with someone’s eyes closed, it wasn’t too much of a problem. Lisa’s commercial only worked when they used a voice-over instead of seeing her actually saying the lines. Tyra agreed with me, which I’m shocked about.

Allison’s Cover Girl shoot was lacking a smize or any personality. I feel as though they made her makeup really boring though. There was nothing striking about the way they put her makeup on her or highlighted her eyes. If anything it looked more like a foundation ad or a skin care ad. Lisa’s picture turned out really well. She sold the sexy, she sold the colors being used on her eyes (or the one eye we could see).

In the end, we got to watch a shortened version of Tyra’s bizarre video and the model going home as the winner is….Lisa! The final panel was so bizarre though – it seemed fake or like half of the wind was taken out of its sails. Usually there’s a big burst of surprise and happiness – more tears – more real joy. This seemed like someone gave you leftovers they brought home from your favorite restaurant. Oh well. Lisa seemed like the best choice for this type of crowning. She also seems to be dedicated to making this her life while Allison has so many other things she wants to concentrate on and is great at. What do you think? Are you happy with the turnout? I am psyched to be done with this cycle – but now I’ll have to find some other TV show to have a love/hate relationship with. I’m taking suggestions, but keep in mind that my girlfriend already makes me sit through  Days of Our Lives.

UPDATE: OK, so I’m not positive that this is the case, but the people of the internet seem to agree that Angelea got disqualified because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut and posted spoilers about the show before it aired, thereby disqualifying her. Also according to these rumors, she was supposedly the real winner of the cycle, not Lisa. What I find hysterical about these rumors if they are true, is that it is a gigantic smack of reality to Tyra’s face. No matter how much she wanted to literally hand Angelea the undeserved win – it got handed right back. If the proof is in the puddin’, Bill Cosby must’ve been this week’s sponsor.

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