“American Horror Story: Coven” recap (3.12): Are you into girls now?

But even though she must destroy her mother to protect her pupils, Cordelia can’t bear to do the deed herself. So she shows up at the Axeman’s apartment and destroys her mother the Mean Girls way: with vicious, vicious words. Specifically: that Fiona plans to abandon the Axeman just as soon as he helps her kill the whole coven.

AHS12.6PLUS she said that the saxophone sounds like a musical toilet.

Now that her second sight is restored, Cordelia’s next mission is to track down Misty Day (hopefully for the purposes of some making out). She enlists Queenie’s help to rescue Misty from the tomb. When she does, they discover that our beloved Swamp Witch is nearly dead from dehydration, but Queenie infuses her with some of her own life force, and saves her. So now we know that Queenie is capable of 1. Travelling to the afterlife 2. Telekinesis 3. Getting really close to a girl’s face and almost kissing her.

While Madison and Myrtle await Misty’s return (Myrtle smugly, Madison with mounting horror) who should show up but Zoe and Kyle! They got as far as Florida (which looks remarkably like New Orleans City Park) before realizing that Zoe has the power of resurrection, and therefore MUST be the next Supreme. (She discovered this power when Kyle killed a man, but who cares, really.)

And then right at that moment Misty rolls up and starts hitting Madison, and it is the stuff Potter/Malfoy fics are made of, including the immortal line, “I don’t need magic; I can do you with my hands.”

AHS12.7Just go ahead and tack on five minutes to my sentence in hell for how much I enjoy this.

Their fisticuffs are interrupted by the arrival of YET ANOTHER person: the Axeman, who is already covered in blood. The blood, as it turns out, is Fiona’s, which whisks us away to flashback land.

AHS12.8I feel sorry for a serial killer. WHAT HAS THIS SHOW DONE TO ME.

When the Axeman finds Fiona’s one-way ticket to Aruba or wherever, he predictably loses his shit on her. Her defense is basically that she was only capable of love in her cancer-ridden state, and once she is restored to full power she will no longer need him. He pleads with her in his psychopathic/romantic way to stay with him, but she just launches into a story a “little calico cat” she had when he was eight and her mercifully kills her before she can say any more.

AHS12.9NO CHILDHOOD PET MONOLOGUES.

So. Coven’s great villain is gone, with almost as little fanfare as Sister Satan of last season. And while I think both death scenes could have been handled better, this one leaves me with completely different taste in my mouth, because it is in keeping with the overall theme of the episode. Fiona and Delphine were both unrepentant monsters, but they each had one last chance at redemption: Delphine in her friendship with Queenie and Fiona in her love affair with the Axeman. In squandering these relationships and reverting to their most base selfishness, they condemned themselves to deaths which felt richly deserved.

Once the flashback is over, the girls join forces in stabbing the Axeman to death (again).

AHS12.10Yay sisterhood?

And now, back to hell. Delphine’s hell is being trapped in her attic torture chamber, the victim of the horrors she inflicted on so many others. Marie’s hell is to be her torturer, become at last the very thing she despised. And as much as I think AHS writing can be lazy and sensationalistic, these punishments are well thought-out. Delphine robbed of her power and Marie robbed of her righteousness is horror at its most potent.

After hearing of Fiona’s demise, the remaining members of the coven hang her portrait and prepare to vie for the position of Supreme. Since, you know, there can only be one.

AHS12.11Did NONE OF YOU watch the last episode of “Buffy”?

OK, two questions:

1. What would your personal hell be? (Mine would be a squaredance.)
2. Who do you think the smart money is on for the Supremacy?

See you next week to find out.

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