Hey, do you guys remember Zoe? She chainsawed some zombies one time? She made frowns and mumbled something about sisterhood the rest of the time?
Well, she’s up to her usual hapless, well-meaning tricks this week.
First, she does a spell on the bathtub that apparently reveals whatever mischief occurred in it.
If anyone ever did that to my parents’ hot tub, it would be real bad.
Of course, she learns that Fiona and Marie killed Nan. While she’s magicking, Kyle is looking on adoringly until Madison busts in and gets jealous. Zoe insists that their whole socialist model of romance is still on, but Kyle blurts out that he doesn’t want to be passed around like a dog-eared paperback, because he loves Zoe. (Sidenote: does anyone else think Evan Peters has been given a lot of contradictory direction about how brain damaged Kyle is? Like, one second he’ll be talking about the disconnect between his primal and elevated urges and the next he’ll look at a toaster like it might bite him.)
Easily the most powerful storyline of this episode belongs to Cordelia. When Queenie blames her for Lumberjack Dave’s actions, it cuts her to the core. Desperate to protect the young witches in her care, and racked with remorse for all that she did not see, she gouges out her own eyes with gardening shears in hopes of regaining The Sight. Earlier, when I watched Delphine cut off a man’s toes (with the same shears!) I thought this show had lost its ability to make me cringe. But with Cordelia’s self-mutilation, AHS achieves the kind of visceral I-can’t-watch horror that is only possible when anchored in real emotion. (What a concept.)
AHH I CAN’T WATCH. LITERALLY
When Delphine delivers the goods (which are vintage doll clothes) to Spalding he gives her a potion so powerful its name cannot even be spoken aloud. I shudder to write it now. The potion…is…Benadryl.
What is your DEAL, Spalding?
After catching Zoe and Madison bickering about Kyle, Myrtle takes Zoe aside to give her—and I could not make this shit up—“a sapphire and topaz harvester ant.” At first Zoe and I think it is magic, but actually Myrtle just wants Zoe to sell it and run off with Kyle someplace safe. And then Myrtle quotes a bunch of Keats about “panting love,” and Zoe and I think she might be on actual drugs. But then she quite rightfully points out that if Fiona doesn’t kill Zoe, Madison will, and then Zoe and I think that getting out of New Orleans might actually be a good idea.
OK so: best scene. Fiona and Marie go to meet with Witch Hunters International, and the bros are like, “Give us back our company and we promise not to hunt witches for a hundred years.” And Fiona is like “Counter-offer: We don’t give you back your company and you promise not to hunt witches for a MILLION years.” But actually she’s just kidding; her boyfriend is there to kill them all. It’s very bloody, but if you have a taste for carnage, it’s very good fun. The Axeman shoots a fleeing man with a gun that still has another man’s disembodied arm attached to it. Fiona kills the head Lumberjack herself, and Marie texts the whole time.
YOU WILL NEVER RHYME “WITCH” AND “BITCH” AGAIN.
That night, Delphine slips Marie the “poison” in a French 75 (my second favorite cocktail after a Singapore sling) and then plants a knife in her chest. Naturally, all this does is annoy the still-immortal Marie, but Spalding then steps in and knocks her unconscious. Being knocked unconscious is to this season what being raped was to last season. He suggests Delphine bury her deep underground, but I really hope she doesn’t, because I will miss looking at her beautiful arms.
So what was Spalding’s endgame all along? He just wanted that baby Marie kidnapped to be his own personal doll.
You’re a weird dude, Spalding.
In the last scene, Zoe wisely takes Myrtle’s advice and runs off with Kyle. It’s a deliberate homage to the final scene in The Graduate; you escape your oppressors, you have your love and your bus ticket, but once you take your seat, you are confronted with a terrible question: Now what?
So, gentle readers, now what?