“American Horror Story: Coven” recap (3.9): Your fashion faux pas give me nightmares

Since it’s mostly been grown-up time so far, we’re now due for a visit with the witches-in-training.  Madison and Zoe go to see Nan at the hospital, where she is visiting the comatose Luke.  Initially, Patti LuPone (who, it continually disappoints me, is so wasted in this role) forbids the witches from coming in the room, but when she realizes that Nan’s clairvoyance is her last remaining way to reach her son, she embraces the witchery and breaks into “A Closer Walk With Thee.”

AHS9.5You could at least have sung in key. You don’t have to be that in character.

Over at Marie Laveau’s, Queenie rescues Delphine’s head from the garbage and brings it upstairs, where she sets it in front of the TV and puts on Roots. Delphine howls and begs her to change the channel back to Antiques Roadshow but to no avail. It is hilarious and also reminds me a little of my beloved grandmother, who I miss, but who definitely would have reacted the same way if I had tried to give her racial sensitivity training.

AHS9.6

In the Robichaux basement, Misty and Cordelia use magic to coax a cherry tree back into beautiful, blossoming life, and if that is not a metaphor for lesbian sex then you can take back my college diploma.

AHS9.7

Of course, then Lumberjack Dave shows up because he is determined to ruin everything.  She orders him to collect his shit and move out, muttering the whole time “I was only trying to protect you…from me and my family.”

Fiona is only too happy to see him go, but is surprised to discover Kyle hiding out in an upstairs room, where I presume Zoe had forgotten all about him.

AHS9.8OH THANK GOD, SOMEONE REMEMBERED THAT I AM ON THIS SHOW.

Back at the hospital, Luke’s spirit goes from requesting hymns to revealing dark secrets, such as the fact that Patti LuPone killed Luke’s father with a bee sting. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but okay. Understandably upset at these accusations from her comatose son, she orders all the witches to go home.

When they arrive there, it is to the shocking but welcome discovery that Fiona has repaired Kyle, at least enough to teach him to play gin and serve as a guard dog.

Stung by Cordelia’s rejection, and determined to do SOMETHING right, Lumberjack Dave charges into Marie Laveau’s and kills nearly all the customers and hairstylists. It’s horrifically violent, and also it makes zero sense that Marie Laveau would cower in front of a firearm wielded by this jackass. But seeing her mentor’s life threatened spurs Queenie to action, and she places a gun to her own chin and fires killing Lumberjack Dave. Now, Dave’s death means that one of my Christmas wishes has come true, but obviously it’s not worth it if it means Queenie dies too. I’m not convinced she is dead, but my girlfriend disagrees. Let me know your take in the comments.

While this massacre goes down, two awakenings occur, but they are each too late. While watching footage of the Civil Rights Movement, Delphine LaLaurie finally lets in the horror of everything she has done, and finally experiences remorse.  And at the hospital, Luke emerges from his coma with the knowledge that his mother killed his father, and Patti LuPone addresses this situation by smothering him with a pillow.

The very last scene is silent. Marie Laveau shows up at Fiona’s doorstep in the dead of night, ready to work together to take down the threat of witch hunters. It’s the perfect closing twist. If all the ladies kill all the misogynists, then I really will get everything I want for Christmas.

Of course, that won’t happen. AHS will continue to be frustrating and wildly uneven, but it will always be worth it as long as they keep making episodes like this.

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