While the witches below wait for Fiona to crumble, Nan wonders aloud if she might be the next Supreme, which Madison predictably dismisses. What is unpredictable, though, is that Zoe does the same. Which, just is not Zoe. I mean, she can be flaky and childish, but she is too kind and too politic to estrange a member of the coven at a time when they most need to stick together. Predictably, Nan is mortally offended and runs off to rescue Luke. On the bright side, her odds of actually being the Supreme have never been higher.
In Fiona’s room, she does herself up in makeup and fur and delivers a monologue full of grace and grandeur and a lot of humblebragging about how she once boned Levon Helm.
Fiona: Adieu, cruel world. Adieu, lame Myrtle. Take care of my daughter. Hang my picture in the spot I have chosen. Again, I banged Levon Helm.
And she expires.
BUT WAIT. Somewhere between this world and the next, Fiona is visited by the ghost of Spalding, who tells her that martyrdom isn’t really her style. He commands her to cough up those sleeping pills and get back to being the narcissist he knows and loves. Oh and also, he reveals that it was not Madison doing all the resurrecting after all; it was Misty Day.
There is only one Delphine scene today, but that’s OK because we get two Delphines for the price of one.
- Cuddly Delphine: Who gratefully eats Queenie’s proffered cheeseburger, and tried to make up with her only friend.
- Abominable Racist Delphine: Who calls Marie Laveau a “negress.”
Queenie feels sorry for the first one. Marie chops an arm off the second one.
Next door, Nan is interrupted in her rescue of Luke by Patti LuPone, who starts shouting some Bible at the young lovers, until someone who believes in her performance even less than I do shoots her in the abdomen. Again, it is probably Lumberjack Dave, but let’s not jump to conclusions. The unknown gunman kills Patti and seriously wounds Luke, while Nan tries to summon enough Supreminess to save him. It looks a lot like when I was a kid and genuinely thought that I could fly if I just believed enough, and it makes me just as sad when no new powers manifest in Nan.
Attracted by the sound of mortals in need, Misty rushes to the scene of the crime, with Fiona hot on her trail. When they coalesce, Fiona suggests that Misty shows off her powers on the recently deceased Ms. LuPone.
Meanwhile, Cordelia senses that the coven is under attack by witch hunters, so the house goes into full lockdown. Zoe tries to set Kyle free, but he refuses to leave her side, saying “this road goes two ways.” So, metaphors: check. Monogamy: still working on it.
The next day, Fiona struts down the steps to talk to her daughter.
Fiona: Morning! Have you ever noticed that attempts on your life put you in the mood for pancakes?
Cordelia: Um…so you’re just cool with me trying to kill you last night?
Fiona: Killing and manipulating and stealing is what sisterhood is all about.
Cordelia: Oh mom, we should have done this years ago.
Fiona: I know! It’s just like Steel Magnolias except completely different.
At that moment, the doorbell rings again, and Fiona finds a mysterious box on the front porch. Inside, the disembodied head of Delphine LaLaurie is…still racist, probably.
See you next week.