“American Horror Story: Coven” recap (3.7): Lovin’ in the coven

 
 

So last week’s comment section was one of the most informative of all time, teaching me

1. That letter from the Axeman was totally legit and historically accurate.  I assumed it was fabricated, because who introduces themselves as “a demon from hottest hell?” Well, a crazy axe-murderer, that’s who.

 2. I recognize Danny Huston (who plays the aforementioned murderer) from 30 Days of Night, as well as from being related to half of Hollywood.

3. That lady playing the 1919 Supreme was Grace Gummer, one of Meryl Streep’s daughters, which is heartening.  MAY HER LINE RULE THE SCREENS FOR A THOUSAND YEARS.

This week’s episode begins with a flashback to Kyle’s life, back before he got Frankensteined. He was at a tattoo shop with his frat brothers, singing along to a Toto song (I spent like twenty minutes trying to decode that reference, but the best I can come up with is that both Kyle and Toto are useless tagalongs, whose only real function in their narratives is to take their respective heroines to magical lands). While the rest of the lads get inked with Chinese characters (which they cannot read) and shamrocks (despite having less Irish blood than a hemophiliac leprechaun). Kyle, however, refuses to taint his alabaster skin with ink, for he wants to remain a pure white knight. Literally, “knight in shining armor” are the words he uses to describe himself, which totally ruins any credibility he might have earned with his aspiration to become an engineer who builds less shitty levees than the ones that currently surround New Orleans. Anyway, it comes as a rather awful shock to him in the present day when he discovers that all his buddies’ tattoos now grace his skin.

AHS 7.1OH GOD I LOOK SO STUPID. 

Zoe creeps up on him with a pistol, looking to end this babysitting gig Kyle’s suffering, but she can’t bring herself to pull the trigger, because Kyle has a kryptonite-like effect on Zoe, draining her of her powers and charisma.

Also dealing with the challenges of resurrection is Madison, who launches into a voiceover monologue about how as a “millennial” she is incapable of feeling anything other than a desire to Instagram herself snorting molly (THIS MONOLOGUE WAS TOTALLY WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO IS IN WITH THE KIDS, CAN YOU TELL?).

AHS 7.2YOU’D BE CHUGGING UNLABELED POTIONS TOO IF YOU WERE ENTERING THIS JOB MARKET.

While the thin, pretty caucasians ponder their existential torments, Queenie has a problem with which we can all have more sympathy: there is no food in the house because fucking Madison ate it all.  She and Madame LaLaurie head to the Frostop (hey, Frostop!) and bond over supersized  orders of french fries.

AHS 7.3

Queenie contemplates the absurdity of “sitting in a fast food parking lot with an immortal racist” after traveling all the way here to be with her “sister witches.”

Delphine: LOL they are never going to see you as a sister.

Queenie: Why,because I’m fat?

Delphine: No, that would be prejudiced. It’s because you’re black.

Every cricket on Earth: CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP.

Delphine: Wait, was I being racist again?

Back at Miss Robixhaux’s, Cordelia is woken by a phone call from Lumberjack Dave.

Lumberjack Dave: Little pig, little pig, let me in.

Cordelia: Is that actually meant to be endearing?

LD: Or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll…

Cordelia: Please don’t call again. click

AHS7.4I was gonna say “or I’ll blow your house up.” I WORKED ON THAT JOKE FOR HOURS.

Unable to sleep after this phone call, Cordelia treks through the house, where she runs into Madison. The second their hands touch, Cordelia has a vision of her mother slitting Madison’s throat, which seems to surprise her a lot more than the fact that her ex-pupil is now among the undead.

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