“American Horror Story: Coven” recap (3.5): Buzzkills and Burnings

While this story boils over, Fiona’s continues to simmer. After hours of watching over Cordelia’s prone form in the hospital, Fiona runs out of pills to keep herself amused and goes off in search of more. I am willing to bet that these hospital scenes were shot in Charity Hospital, which was abandoned after Hurricane Katrina, and I would like to inform any prospective tourists that our actual ERs conform to a slightly higher standard of hygiene than depicted here. There’s just lights a’flickering, and bloodstained gurneys a’standing, and a camera operator who is either very drunk or very tired.

AHS5.7This camera is really heavy, guys.

In short, it’s Briarcliff all over again. Fiona breaks into the medicine closet and pops a few pills at random. When she emerges, her guilt over Cordelia’s fate manifests as a dirty man in a diaper whispering in her ear, “You didn’t throw that acid, but you might as well have.” Racked with guilt and nausea, she stumbles into a hospital room where a young woman is lying beside the body of her stillborn daughter. And it’s a small role, but I would really like to hand it to the actor playing this mother, for not trying to be anything other than exhausted and seriously weirded out.

Fiona: Would you like to see your daughter?

Lady: Um, are you the grief counselor?

Fiona: Here, hold her.


Fiona: Now tell her how much you love her.


Fiona: SHHHHH this isn’t about you. Now just her tell you love her.

The woman plays along, and Fiona rewards her by bringing her daughter back to life.

AHS5.8Blue Wand Blue Broom not liable for any expenses, powers,
or demon possessions incurred in the resurrection process.

Back to the zombie siege: Nan and Johnny Cornbread are moments away from being disemboweled, when Zoe comes to the rescue again. She goes through the whole, “HEY ZOMBIES, COME AND GET ME,” followed by, “OH FUCK THEY ARE COMING TO GET ME,” that has been played a million times but is still a funny gag. She then takes refuge behind The Weakest Door in The World and plans her next move.

In the house proper, everyone seems remarkably unconcerned with the fates of Nan and Zoe. Delphine goes to the kitchen to make snacks, when she sees Borquita standing outside the window. And like a damn fool, she lets her in and tries to bond.

Delphine: Come on now, honey. Surely you remember your own mother.

Zomborquita: Oh my god, I totally do! You’re the bitch who fed me shit for Christmas.

AHS5.9On second thought, revenge is cheaper than therapy.

Zomborquita next tries to take on Queenie, who’s mutilating powers are no use against the undead, but make for some super cool special effects. She is saved at the last minute by Delphine, thus fulfilling Martin Luther King’s famous dream that the children of former slaves would be rescued by former slave-owners stabbing their zombie children through the heart.

Outside, Nan and Johnny Cornbread once again make a break for freedom, and are once again rescued by Zoe, who has emerged from the toolshed as a beautiful, blood-spattered butterfly of badassery.

AHS5.10Yes, Lord, yes.

She hacks through zombie after zombie in pure grindhouse glory, but her chainsaw stalls with one of the undead still pursuing her. But she searches within herself, and her will to survive unlocks power she never knew she had, sending a burst of magic so strong it destroys the zombie, and knocks down Marie Laveau all the way in the Ninth Ward.

AHS5.11Girl, you are a lot more interesting without a boyfriend.

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