And what’s even worse, the remaining witches don’t even share my outrage; they just want to get on to the “fun” Wonder.
WONDER NUMBER FOUR: APPARATION/DISAPPARATION
Verdict: 2 for 3
Most winningest: karma
Most losingest: That would be Zoe.
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR PLAYING TAG AFTER MISTY DIED.
WONDER NUMBER FIVE: WAKE UP ZOE
Verdict: 1 for 2
Most winningest: Madison, who kills and resurrects a fly rather than helping Zoe
Most losingest: Tie: Queenie, who failed, Zoe, who is still dead
That night, Cordelia and Myrtle sit around, looking as depressed as I felt when George W. Bush was re-elected, when Myrtle comes up with a novel idea: Cordelia herself should try for the Supremacy. Even though the “royal blood” argument is kind of lame, anything beats Madison as Supreme.
So the next day, Cordelia aces the first five Wonders, until she is caught up to Madison.
WONDER NUMBER SIX: TIDDLYWINKS OR SOME SHIT
Verdict: 1 for 2
Most winningest: Cordelia, for finding the magic pebble or something (I don’t know, this is getting boring. Maybe seven wonders was too many.)
Most losingest: Madison, who thinks pebbles are dumb.
After her failure, Madison packs her bags, but is confronted by Kyle, who is still stung by Madison’s refusal to resurrect Zoe. Madison is like “Um…I did it because…I love you.”
And Kyle is like “Bitch, Carrie Underwood could have given a more convincing performance.” And then—in spite of Madison’s magical powers which in the past have enabled her to kill and control people with her mind—Kyle strangles her to death. Again with the continuity.
Meanwhile, in her final test of power, Cordelia brings Zoe back to life. That means that Cordelia is the new Supreme, which I’m sure came as a great shock to anyone who has someone avoided the Internet spoilers for the past few days.
The first perk of Supremacy is the restoration of her eyes and some kind of magic worked on her hair.
The hallmark of any rising Supreme is glowing, radiant hotness.
Flash forward a month, and Cordelia has brought the entire coven out of the broom closet (give me a break, I’m sick).
She does an interview that not-so-subtly equated witchiness with gayness (we’re born this way, we have to band together against hate crimes). She also invites any girl who thinks she might be a lesbian witch to Miss Robichaux’s.
WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT RECRUITING YOUR DAUGHTER. (WINK WINK, YES WE ARE.)
And it wouldn’t be an AHS finale without a truly inexplicable twist. This time it is Myrtle Snow INSISTING on being burned at the stake for that time she killed those two Council witches (hands up if you had completely forgotten about that). Anyway her last word is “Balenciaga,” just in case you’d forgotten for a second that this show is made by Ryan Murphy.
Just when you thought we were all denouement-ed out, it’s time for one last visit from Fiona Goode.
DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I BANGED LEVON HELM.
Fiona begs Cordelia to put her out of her misery, but Cordelia politely declines. Actually she is stunningly magnanimous, considering the hell Fiona put her through. And then, when Fiona finally dies in her arms, we see what the ex-Supreme’s hell looks like.
SERIOUSLY, FIONA GETS FRIED CATFISH AND HER BOYFRIEND AND MISTY GETS DISSECTED FROGS. SERIOUSLY.
And even though Jessica Lange knows how to deliver “KNOTTY PINE??!!!” as if it truly is a fate worse than death, I really think she got off easy.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s (I really am going to miss writing that) Cordelia, Queenie, and Zoe welcome in the new witches. And suddenly, I don’t want this story to end. I want another season of magic and drama. And it’s in that desire that I feel that this season was a success.
Welcome, and please don’t mind either of our undead butlers.
So how do you feel about Cordelia being the new Supreme?