“American Horror Story: Asylum” recap: “I’m tough, but I’m no cookie.”(2.11)

Well hello there horror fans/Paulson fans/Lange fans/masochists!  This episode hurtles along at the breakneck speed of a body-cart through the death chute, so let’s jump right in.

First we rendezvous with the presumed Son of Bloodyface, whose whole life seems to be one long, dark night of the soul. But side note: can anyone else believe that Dylan McDermott is fifty-one years old?  Do we have someone following him to see where he is keeping his fountain of youth/stash of unicorn blood? Because damn. Anyway he is sitting around in his beat to hell version of his father’s bachelor pad, smoking pot when the prostitute he ordered arrives. 


WEED: IT MAKES YOU KILL PEOPLE.

She seems like a really nice, albeit woefully unobservant person and like Liam Neeson she has “a very specific set of skills”

She’s packing DDDs and they are loaded with breast milk, which seems to be an unhealthy preoccupation for this show. Like (again, supposedly) his father before him, Bloodyface Jr. can’t wait to…er…suckle, although the boob shot itself is censored, which brings up an interesting thing about American broadcasting law.

This season we have seen all manner of blood, guts, rape, torture, mutants, and murders, all of which are graphically and legally depicted, but when it comes to a friendly little thing like a nipple, it’s “OH MY GOD CENSOR IT WE MUST PROTECT THE CHILDREN.”

What a country.

Back at Briarcliff, Dr. Thredson cheerfully wakes Kit up to take him for a visit with his son. Kit, as usual, is confused.


I want him to always be wearing a t-shirt that says “HUH?”

Kit: What’s your endgame, Thredson?
Thredyface: You obviously know nothing about this show. There are still two more episodes so I could die, you could die, we could all turn out to be nothing more than the dreams of a sleeping alien baby. All we can do in the meantime is keep our guns loaded and our eyebrows tweezed.

This makes as much sense as anything Kit has heard lately, so he goes right ahead playing daddy with Grace. He does ask her what happened while she was aboard the S.S. Probe-Fingers


“HOW BABIES ARE MADE.”

Grace: It was strange. It felt like it lasted forever, but also just like, you know, a regular montage. The aliens are real nice creatures but they killed Alma by accident so let’s raise this baby together, cool?
Kit: (wipes away a tear) Cool.
Grace: Oh also it’s a super-baby that’s going to change the world.
Kit: Wait, what?
Grace: Shhh. You just sit there and look cute.


Well this is obviously going to end in tears.

And sure enough, right on cue, a bunch of nuns show up and take the baby to Saint Brutus’ Secure Center for Incurably Alien Babies. 

Meanwhile, Lana is hard at work in the bakery (“Briarcliff treats: they’re CRAZY good”) when the Mother Superior show up to sneak her out. Lana takes Thredson’s taped confession and her patient file, and promises Sistah Jude that she will return to rescue her, and then breezes off. She’s nearly spotted by Thredson but Kit distracts him, forever earning his place in my heart. By the time Thredyface realizes that the lesbian who just whisked past him is Lana, it’s too late. 


“This is the finger I will be pointing at you in court.”

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