“All My Children” recap (May 6-10): Pine Valley’s Biggest Lesbian

Bianca and Adam have a little heart to heart in the Chandler living room. We find out that Miranda’s been bullied a lot over the years and Bianca feels terribly guilty about it. She tells Adam that Miranda is right and it’s all her fault. It’s times like this I wish I could sit Bianca down and tell her how amazing and brave she is, but then I remember she’s a soap opera character and I need to put down the Chardonnay because it’s only 10:30 am.

After a bit of stewing, Bianca and Miranda apologize to one another and hug it out.  Bianca sits her daughter down and levels with her.  “Why did I have to be gay, right?” Bianca says she gets it.  She wanted a “normal” mom too.

Then Miranda pulls out the big guns, and asks her mother if she can make her disappear. Bianca looks like she’s been shot through the heart with an arrow. Partly because her daughter is so tormented, and partly because Miranda reminds Bianca so much of herself at that age. She delivers this beautiful monologue about being outed by the tabloids as a teenager, and how fear took over and how terrified she was of losing her mother’s love. Miranda softens a bit, but begs her mother to let her transfer to Bramwell Hall. Yes, because nothing distances oneself from rumors of lesbianism more than transferring to an all girls private school. I should know.

Bianca learns that AJ has been suspended due to his fight with Hunter, and she takes her leave to go to bat for him. Miranda tells him that she’s transferring and his face drops. He jokes that he’s going to look pretty awful in that plaid uniform, because there is no way they are separating them. 

The next day, Miranda is studying with new tutor Jessica Pare Jr, er, I mean Celia. Celia asks about Miranda’s dad, and Miranda tells her that she’s the product of artificial insemination. Let’s pause to digest this bombshell. Bianca has lied to Miranda her whole life about how she was actually conceived. While I’m sure Bianca was just trying to spare Miranda any pain, this cannot end well. I’m not quite sure how Bianca was able to hide this fact from Miranda all this time, but apparently they don’t have the Internet yet in Pine Valley. Quick, someone get Pete to create a search engine. He can call it Booble or something. It’ll make a fortune. 

Since AJ’s been suspended and Miranda is thinking of transferring, she no longer wants to attend the school dance. AJ plans a special evening to cheer her up. He sprinkles rose petals on the stairs and buys her white and gold, Jackson Pollack inspired gown, you know, like a bro would do.

He’s managed to turn the Chandler living room into their own personal prom. They even have a special musical guest, Hot Chelle Rae. Yeah, I have no idea who they are either. They sing a song about being hung…up on you.  It’s as tasteful as you can imagine. Miranda on the other hand, thinks they’re awesome.

They hug and dance, and AJ looks over the moon. Man, that kid is gonna snap like a dry twig when he gets friend-zoned. 

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Pine Valley, JR (who not unlike Jason DiLaurentis, is the recipient of a brand new head) is awake and it is all I can do not to reach into the screen and strangle him myself. Of course, he says he doesn’t remember anything about the night of the shooting. LIES! Dr. David realizes that Cara didn’t miscarry. She had an abortion. MORE LIES! Jesse and Zach are getting closer to finding Cassandra but they better hurry, because the Russian mobsters are also human traffickers. BASTARDS! Pete and Celia have a misunderstanding. YAWN. Tad is alive, but out of town. TAD! 

I really like the new format of All My Children so far. The episodes are shorter, but somehow manage to tell the story much more organically than when one storyline used to stretch over weeks and weeks.  Fans got some exciting news this week when it was reported that Susan Lucci will soon be in talks to return to AMC.  What do you think? Would you like to see Erica Kane back in action? Or do you like the focus on the other characters?

All My Children airs every weekday and is available free on Hulu or for download on iTunes. 

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