“All My Children” recap (May 6-10): Pine Valley’s Biggest Lesbian

All My Children must have known that we needed Bianca Montgomery like a cool breeze on a hot summer day, because we get quite a few powerful Binx and Miranda scenes this week. 

This week kicks off at Jane’s Addiction, where it turns out the whole coffee shop was in on Hunter’s little ménage a blah idea. Like any teenagers worth their salt, they’ve all recorded the whole humiliating scene on their iPhones, their fingers just itching to upload it to Youtube. Jane brings down the hammer on Hunter, his lady friend, and all her damn customers and let’s them know that this Lifetime movie nonsense isn’t happening in her establishment. Oh and since Hunter’s friend is 18, she’s guilty of trying to corrupt a minor. Time to take that latte to go, little lady. 

Outside, Miranda is crying her eyes out because in her mind, everyone thinks she’s a freak “just like her mom.” Whoa there little lady. You are the daughter of Bianca Montgomery, a woman whose kindness is matched only by her beauty. Whose big brown eyes are the envy of all female deer. AJ runs to console her and reiterate my point. He tells her that her mom is one of the coolest people he knows. Miranda is tired of being picked on for having a lezzer for a mom, and AJ says to hell with what other people think.  He apparently has forgotten that Miranda is a teenage girl, and giving a shit about what other people say about her is kind of her job. 

Bianca, completely unaware of what just happened, saunters in to Jane’s Addiction to order some herbal tea, or whatever beverage embarrassing lesbian moms typically order. She has a brief conversation with Zach about how Kendall is doing well, and he should probably leave well enough alone. Later, Jane interrupts their conversation to gives Bianca a heads up about what when down with the kids. She rushes out of there to comfort Miranda.  Meanwhile, back at AJ’s, Miranda takes off the blouse her mom bought her (the one Bianca was so pleased she liked) and rips it to shreds. Gurl, Forever 21 is never going to take that back now. 

When Bianca walks in and goes to comfort Miranda, she backs away from her mother as if she was contagious. The whole thing is really hard to watch, and Bianca looks so lost and confused. 

Miranda cries about how difficult it was to grow up in Bianca’s shadow. Bianca tries to empathize by reminding her that, um, hello, she knows a little something about shadows. Her mom is Erica Kane. She’s not even just a person, she’s a force of nature. Bianca just tried to hold on to something rooted in the ground as her mother swept through life like a category 5 hurricane. Miranda tells her mother, well at least your mom was a cool celebrity, and not “Pine Valley’s Biggest Lesbian!” Her words, not mine. Miranda asks Bianca why she has to be up in everyone’s face with her gayness. Even though I’m sure Bianca’s never heard any complaints about that before, she excuses herself before she says something she regrets, because that’s what classy ladies do. 

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