“All My Children” recap (Apr. 29-May 3): Bianca is back, bitches

 
 

Jesse and Zach, unbeknownst to Angie, get to sleuthing to try and get Cassandra back. They better hurry, because she’s in rough shape. Keep kicking girl, kick that mobster in the face!

Angie has a secret of her own. Dr. David Hayward, best bad guy ever, has been imprisoned for the shooting that occurred five years prior. Turns out Angie spoke on his behalf (he brought her back from blindness) and he was released early from prison. He hops in a car to Pine Valley to stir up some serious shit. He visits the cemetery, and with tears in his eyes, pledges revenge. We can’t tell who’s grave he’s talking to, but he’s on a mission. He heads to the hospital where he seeks out Cara, who informed him she had miscarried their child via letter while he was in prison.

He confronts Cara, and after a tear filled conversation, she leaves him in the dust with his many questions. While at the hospital, David notices that the man in the coma is none other than that bastard JR. It turns out, David struggled with and shot JR when he witnessed what JR had done. David delivers a monologue about how to pull the plug on JR without setting off the alarms. He doesn’t however, and once JR wakes up, there will be hell to pay.

AJ and Miranda are teenagers now. Let that sink in a minute. AJ, is often shirtless, and reminds me very much of a grown up Dennis the Menace. So, basically he is exactly what you’d expect the spawn of JR and Marissa to be. He’s got a chip on his shoulder for everyone but Miranda.

Miranda, who’s known JR since they were wee babes doesn’t pick up on the fact that he’s probably in love with her. That’s because Miranda is too busy being a normal, well-adjusted teenager. You know the kind, with a gay mom. Which brings us to BINX!

Bianca is back and Binxier than ever. In our first scene with Bianca, she and Miranda are chilling at Jane’s Addiction, the cool new coffee shop in Pine Valley. Bianca has managed to score her, Miranda and Gabby tickets to the One Direction concert at Madison Square Garden! Miranda thinks this is a terrible idea for the following reasons. 1. She liked One Direction, like 10 months ago. Gawd! 2. Hanging with your tweenage sister is super lame. 3. Hanging with your mom (even if she is gorgeous and totally awesome) is super lame as well. Bianca handles this much better than I would have, and doesn’t ground Miranda for a year for her insolence. 

Miranda also tells her mom that there is a school dance the same night and she is hoping Hunter, the beefy Justin Bieber haired jock, will ask her. Bianca pleads a bit, but Miranda is like, “you wouldn’t understand, it’s not like you had to deal with feeeeeelings and dances when you were my age.” Bianca Binxes out and says, “oh really, because I was into girls and not guys?” Boom. Miranda feels bad and Bianca is quick to forgive her teenage folly, especially when Hunter comes into the coffee shop. Miranda looks like she wants to crawl under the table, and Bianca gets the hint and takes her amazingness elsewhere. Miranda is like, “sorry about my Mom” and Hunter tells her no worries, because her mom is a total MILF even if she doesn’t, in his words “swing that way”. 

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