“All My Children” recap (Apr. 29-May 3): Bianca is back, bitches

 
 

The new All My Children web series debuted this week to much fanfare and positive ratings. Most excitingly for lesbian fans of the show, it includes our beloved Bianca Montgomery (played by the originator of the role, Eden Riegel). While the cast is a lot smaller and many longtime characters did not return (including Kendall, Greenlee, Tad, and Erica Kane herself), the new web series format feels sleeker and I daresay, rather hip. The show picks up five years after that fateful night at the Chandler House where shots rang out during an otherwise happy engagement party. JR, father to AJ and ex to Marissa, was the man behind the gun, and his actions would change the fate of many in Pine Valley. Here is a little something to catch you up to speed.

Opal is back, and so is her son Pete, who is a big shot Silicon Valley software developer. Pete’s in town because Cortland Electronics is going down the tubes, and Opal hopes her brilliant (and of course ridiculously good looking) son can step in and save the family business.  She smothers him with kisses and calls him Petey, which is a totally Opal thing to do, and he reluctantly agrees. 

While traipsing through the newly sparkly Pine Valley, he literally bumps into a woman on the street. Cue the “meet cute” music! Her name is Celia and she eats apples off the street.

She’s wearing a blazer with a crest and a plaid skirt, so using his deductive powers of reasoning….he decides to ask his mom if there are any private girls school with red uniform kilts around. You know, for a friend. 

Celia, looks and speaks like the little sister of Jessica Paré. She’s spending her gap year tutoring the girls at Bramwell Hall. She also happens to be an orphan with a very mysterious, and controlling guardian whom she’s never met. His proxy, Mrs. Johnson doesn’t understand why an 18-year-old girl who’s traveled the world and seen the Louvre, would want a normal life. Celia, says screw museums and trips to Paris, she wants to be a real teenage girl.  She wants to buy overpriced panties at Victoria’s Secret, and party in condemned buildings and parking garage rave. She’s like the Little Mermaid, but instead of legs, she wants to eat Doritos and watch Real Housewives. Also, she wants to continue volunteering at The Miranda House as Brooke English’s assistant. Oh and also to find that cute guy! 

Speaking of Brooke, she and Adam are making out all over the place. He asked her to marry him for real this time. That’s all you really need to know on that end. Seriously though, always making out these two. Dixie is moping around, looking lovingly at a picture of her and Tad and visiting an unknown man in a coma at the hospital. But who is it, Dixie?!

Jesse and Angie are back and better than ever. Jesse has a romantic breakfast planned for Angie, and reminds me why he’s one of my favorite AMC men. Angie, taking a cue from Adam and Brooke, gets frisky and they do it on the couch. 

Afterwards Angie makes a dick joke that made me laugh out loud. God bless the relaxed restrictions on online shows. Jesse does have another surprise for Angie. Her daughter Cassandra is flying in from Paris, but unfortunately instead of getting in the car hired for her, she gets kidnapped by the Russian mob. The car is registered to the casino owned by Zach Slater, husband of Kendall, father of one of Bianca’s children, kisser of lesbians on the night before their weddings. 

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