The Paranoid Media Junkie
Look, we all consume a lot of media: TV, movies, music, internet – so much internet. For the media junkie whose consumption has taken a turn for the paranoid, here are some gifts sure to soothe her media-ravaged mind. They say, “I care about you,” while falling just short of saying “seek professional help.” It’s DIY media therapy for your favorite gay lady.
1. Zombie Apocalypse Survival Gift Basket. If your friend/girlfriend/coworker is even a casual consumer of media, she’s probably seen about 1,000 shows/movies./reports about zombies and the pending zombie apocalypse. Make her a gift basket including everything she’ll need to make it out alive. Items can include: a machete, a crank-powered lantern, a water filtration kit, bulk ibuprofen, meals-ready-to-eat and duct tape. ($250)
2. Binders. To put all the women in her life, duh! ($2.50-$10)
3. Gay Wedding Stock. You know what stock is on the rise this year? Gay wedding planning company stock. After marriage equality initiatives in three states – Maine, Maryland and Washington – were approved by voters and an anti-gay marriage equality initiative was rejected in Minnesota, it’s clear the tide of history has turned. Now we just need to push and push to make sure marriage equality becomes a reality on the federal level and hello, billion dollar business. Some stocks set to benefit from marriage equality coming to fruition would make a great and profitable gift. Those include stocks like XO Group and its same-sex marriage group The Knot. ($7.50+)
4. ASPCA Donations. Any gay lady media junkie has been subject to those seemingly endless, soul-crushing Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ads. The only way to get through them without adopting all of the abused animals or throwing your wallet at the TV while screaming, “TAKE IT ALL ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” is to be proactive. Make a donation in her name to the ASPCA and then include a handy “guilt-away” reminder card telling her stop being tormented by the arms of an angel by texting “ASPCA” to 25383 to donate $5 to ASPCA rescue efforts. ($5+)
5. Noise-Canceling Headphones. When all else fails and the paranoid voices just won’t stop, give her the gift of silence. A total media blackout can be the best present possible for the weary media junkie. Relax, sit back and enjoy the nothingness. ($300)
— Dorothy Snarker