AfterEllen.com’s Gift Guide for the Gay Woman 2012

 
 

Totally Lesbian Skymall Fanatic

The SkyMall catalog, that wondrous homage to American capitalism on crack, not only has clip-on bangs made of “100% virgin European hair” (as opposed to slutty European hair), mermaid flippers, to “build confidence,” and armadillo beer can holders, it has lesbionic gems hidden within its pages. I’ve done the work for you and found some great gifts that scream, “We’re here, we’re queer, we thought you might like this Gryffindor scarf!” Check it out.

1. Protect This Woman Necklace. Try as you may, you can not be by your woman’s side, 24 hours a day. It’s not practical, it’s not healthy, and in some states, it’s called stalking. This necklace is a lovely reminder that she’ll always be safe in this world, because she has you. Awww! You guys! ($39)

2. It Is What It Is Bracelet. You know that cute but confusing girl who has you stuck in an endless loop of Go Away a Little Closer? Well, two can play that game. Not everything has to be defined. Relax and enjoy the flirting. So while you’re out shopping for others, get something for yourself. You’ve earned it. ($19.95)

3. Magic Showerheads. Let your girlfriend wash away the day’s patriarchy in her very own magic rainbow shower. Better yet, shower together. Because you’re all about saving water. There’s even a hand-held model for those, um, hard to reach places. Labrys back scrubber not included. ($49.99-$99.99)

4. Math Clock. This clock takes something basic and makes it more complicated than it needs to be, but in a super fun way. If that’s not lesbian, I don’t know what is. And, unlike Barbie, we’re smart and not afraid of math. What time is it? Time to be awesome! ($29.95)

5. Gryffindor’s House Scarf. Is your girlfriend a nut for Harry Potter? Has she meticulously deconstructed the final confrontation between Harry and Lord Voldemort? Is her name Heather Hogan? Support her obsession while keeping her warm with this 100% lambs wool scarf. It comes nestled in a collector’s box. It might even be delivered by an owl. I don’t know. ($65)

Nothing here grabbing you? There’s always the Bigfoot Garden Yeti. A guaranteed conversation piece for years to come. Happy holidays!

— Dara Nai

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