’s Gift Guide for the Gay Woman 2012

For The Straight Girl Who Messes With Your Head

1. Cherry ChapStick. For a stocking stuffer for the straight girl who keeps messing with your head, you can’t beat Cherry ChapStick. For one thing, you know she likes that Katy Perry song because for some reason she loves to sing it when you’re around. And boy, does that straight girl seem to need to take care of her lips. Glossing, plumping, asking you if her lip stain looks OK — no, check closer. Are you sure they look OK? Odds are she could use a little ChapStick. ($2)

2. Temporary labrys tattoos. These temporary labrys tattoos are so cool! Just the thing for a bicep or a shoulder blade — or maybe between the pecs? But the important thing is they wash off as soon as the day or the evening or the music festival is over. Look, your straight friend just likes the look of them, OK? They don’t mean anything! She just wants to try them on for a fun time out! Why do you keep trying to box your straight friend in like that? ($2.99)

3. The Siamese Slanket. In addition to its impressive one-two punch of offensiveness right there in the name, the Siamese Slanket is perfect for those wintry evenings she likes to spend cuddled up watching movies together or just talking about how none of the guys she dates is ever as fantastic as you. (Why couldn’t you be a guy? It would be so perfect!) Pop some popcorn (You know what toppings she likes. Ha, ha! She just realized she said “topping.” Isn’t that funny) and settle in for a long evening of totally comfortable cuddling as the two of you watch a clutch-each-other-scary movie like High Tension, or perhaps a thriller like — oh my God, you let her talk you into watching Bound? What is wrong with you? ($40)

4. Tiny silky pajamas. At some point in your movie-watching evening, it’s a pretty safe bet that the straight girl who keeps messing with your head introduced alcohol into the situation. Now she can’t possibly let you drive home. Or take the train. And taxis are so expensive! You’ll just have to stay over. No, no, not on the couch. Sure, it’s been completely comfortable for the past three or four hours, but you’d be surprised at how lumpy that thing gets when you try to sleep on it. Don’t worry about a thing. Your straight friend will loan you a T-shirt and sweats to crash in. She, however, prefers to sleep in tiny silky pajamas. No, they’re not cold at all – especially if she’s snuggled under the covers with someone. Your straight friend will love the blend of practicality and feminine luxury. And you’ll love the way they feel once she’s spooned right up against your back. Won’t you? ($30-$200)

5. Snow cone machine. There’s nothing nicer than a quick trip back to childhood with the simple pleasure of an old-fashioned snow-cone machine. With a variety of flavors and recipes, she can liven up any barbecue or cocktail hour with a sweet treat that makes everyone happy. Plus sometimes you need to tell that straight girl who keeps messing with your head to chill out. ($40)

— Ali Davis

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