’s Gift Guide for the Gay Woman 2011

Gifts for Her (That Are Really for You)

Whoever said, “‘Tis better to give than to receive” had it wrong, wrong, wrongity wrong. While a cozy scarf might keep her neck warm this winter, what good does it do you, the most important person in her life? Doesn’t she want you to be happy? Of course she does. So while you’re out shopping for that special someone, ask yourself, “Will she like this, but more importantly, will I?”, “How does this item benefit me?” and “If we both get something out of this, isn’t that twice as good?”

1. Cook books. I used to have a girlfriend who would occasionally make an alarming lentil concoction for dinner. While it was good knowing we would survive if we ever found ourselves stranded in Ethiopia, I always wondered if she was secretly mad at me that day. Don’t let this happen to you. Buy your girlfriend a cook book containing food you like. I recommend Cook Like a Rock Star by Anne Burrell. Not only does it contain 125 recipes that both the novice and Williams-Sonoma frequent flier can follow, the results are excellent and Burrell looks like Suzanne Westehoefer in a chef’s hat. ($15)

2. Anything from Victoria’s Secret. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with your lady for 10 days or 10 years; it’s up to you to assure her she’s sexy and desirable at all times. And you deserve a daily dose of eye candy because you’re awesome. Whether she prefers cheekies or boyshorts, racerback bras or bustiers (helpfully filed under “Sleepwear”), when you see your holiday gift accentuating her natural ones, you’ll thank yourself. Is your honey too butch for a thong? No probs! Check out these Calvin Klein Slim Fit Boxer Shorts. Blouse-y boxers with a cartoon dog pattern are so not hot. ($10-$80)

3. Spa Day for Two. How’s your back these days? Bet you could use a good massage from a sturdy German woman with strong hands. What better way to knead out the stresses of your life by accompanying your soul mate to a day spa? She’ll love being pampered with a scrub, drinking cucumber water, and visiting the salon while you get a great rub-down, all in the spirit of togetherness. At the end of the day, you’ll feel great and your trophy girlfriend will have a new shine. It’s a win-win. Find a spa near you. ($150+)

4. An iPhone 4S. Like it or not, you’re probably not your girlfriend’s first trip to the rodeo. She has exes. And lesbian probability dictates that at least one of them is a nut who sends drunk texts and I-still-miss-you voice messages at 3 a.m. Who needs that noise? Not you. Help your love move on by getting her a cool new phone, preferably with a new phone number. The new iPhone 4S has a Dual-core A5 chip, whatever the eff that is, 1080p HD video, and Siri, a voice recognition personal assistant. Ask Siri, “How does one dissolve a Domestic Partnership?”, “Where can we get a restraining order?” and finally, “Find the nearest U-Haul facility.” Siri will know what to do. ($199+)

5. A dream vacation. If you’re OK spending this kind of money, chances are she’s The One. Lucky her! You already live together and cherish your little routines: watching your shows, going to the Farmer’s Market every Sunday, letting her make you Spaghetti Bolognese from scratch while wearing a black teddy from Victoria’s Secret. What’s left except taking her on the trip of a lifetime to a place you’ve always wanted to go? The world is a big and wonderful place. See as much of it as you can, while you can. ($1000+)

No matter what you choose for your lovely girlfriend, be creative, be thoughtful and be original! She puts up with your ass all year — the least you can do is show her you appreciate it. Happy holidays, everyone!

Dara Nai

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