’s Gift Guide for the Gay Woman 2011

The Sapphic Scenester

The lesbian scene is a jungle. It colorful, diverse and full of pretty creatures. But it is also full of animals that bite and doesn’t have air conditioning. Here is a gift guide for your adventurous sapphic friend.

1. A portable makeup light. Because inevitably the bar/club will become
packed with many specimens of the species lesbianus
, which will steam up the room, and her cosmetics
will become less than fresh looking. But who wants to wait in line to
the bathroom to freshen up? After midnight, people stop remembering
basic human courtesies such as flushing and wiping the sink. After
1 a.m., the bathroom situation conjures up the scene in Slumdog
where a kid dives into a pile of poopykaka to get a
ticket to meet a famous movie star. But she doesn’t need to wade into
a stinking situation to get a prize. Buy one of these babies, and
people will be diving into unmentionable things for a chance to get
her number. ($9.99)

2. Go Girl Female Urination Device. And if the bathroom lines truly are atrocious, here is a cute little personal pee pee device. Don’t look appalled. Your club kid buddy will be secretly psyched. Who wants to squat over a disgusting toilet?  ($9.99)

3. Cell phone lanyard. And how many times has your little rager of a friend lost her phone? I’ve seen her Sunday morning Facebook invites entitled “I Lost my
F–0ing Phone. Message me your number.“ Better get her a cute lanyard
to strap her precious little buttercup to her purse or messenger bag. ($2-$10)

4. Invisibility cloak. Did your friend blow through the entire lesbian population in town?
Does she have a target on her back? Well, researchers at the
University of Texas have created an invisibility cloak. It’s not on
the market yet, but keep an eye on this baby. If a gaggle of exes spot and approach her, she can just throw this over her head and
disappear. (Price not available)

5. A Galactic Journey. Is she really FUBAR? Is an invisibility cloak insufficient? Does she have too many hoes in area codes? Well, there is a solution. A trip to outer space. As Hammer said, “U can’t touch this.” ($200,000)

Grace Chu

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