AfterEllen.com’s 2013 Ultimate Summer Movie Guide

 
 

August 16

Kick-Ass 2

(very NSFW)

 

You’re there to see: Chloe Moretz’s potent mix of adorable and terrifying
In a nutshell: The sociopaths who think they are superheroes face off against the sociopaths who think they are supervillains once more.
You’ll like it if: You’re willing to bet your fond memories of the first one on the sequel. (The trailer includes Jim Carrey setting a dog on another man’s testicles.  Not a good sign.)

Paranoia*


courtesy Relativity Media

You’re there to see: Amber Heard
In a nutshell: Corporate espionage is afoot and, according, to Hollywood rumors, Harrison Ford changes his facial expression, like, three times.
You’ll like it if: You spend all day plotting your way to the corner office.

The To Do List

 

You’re there to see: Aubrey Plaza, Alia Shawkat, Rachel Bilson, Connie Britton
In a nutshell: A high-school graduate gives herself a series of sexual tasks to complete before heading off to college. “Doing it with a girl” has to be on there.  It just has to be.
You’ll like it if: You’ve got a dirty mind and a heart of gold.

Austenland


courtesy Fickle Fish Films

You’re there to see: Keri Russell, Jennifer Coolidge, Jane Seymour
In a nutshell: An Darcy-obsessed thirty-something goes to a Jane Austen theme park in search of true love.
You’ll like it if: You’ve burned through multiple copies of Pride and Prejudice.

August 23

Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

 

You’re there to see: Lena Headey, Lily Collins. (Pretty Little Liars boss Marlene King was originally affiliated with this film, but IMDB is showing no sign of her working on it now.)
In a nutshell: A young girl finds that she belongs to a race of half-angels, destined to fight demons while wielding swords and vaguely British accents.
You’ll like it if: You bitterly resent your Muggle status.

Drinking Buddies


courtesy Magnolia Pictures

You’re there to see: Olivia Wilde, Olivia Wilde’s eyebrows, Anna Kendrick
In a nutshell: Two friends who work together at a brewery cross the line of romance over (what else?) beer.
You’ll like it if: You consider an IPA a much more romantic gift than flowers.

So readers, which of these will you be gracing with your presence?

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