The Wise-Ass Gay Woman
1. Engraved diamond stud earrings. Holiday giving is all about managing expectations. Sometimes this means taking a literal approach to the wish lists of your loved ones. For example, if the special lady in your life is demanding diamonds but your bank account is demanding mercy, why not invest in these delightful handmade, engraved diamond stud earrings from uncommongoods.com? ($24)
2. Garden Yeti Statue. If your friend actually took your advice and bought her lady those engraved diamond stud earrings, she may need some company when she’s sleeping in her new bed out in the backyard on the coming cool winter nights. You’ll be safe and warm in your own bed with your lady (dripping in the actual bling you bought her), so send the Garden Yeti Statue from Design Toscano to entertain your lonely and displaced pal. Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti, is a great listener and his (or her, is Bigfoot a lesbian?) familiar "furry" face is sure to be a comforting sight. ($98.95)
3. Mariah Carey’s Merry Christmas Yule Log DVD. Do you have an obsessive movie and/or music nut in your life? Of course you do. How do you ever select a film or CD for them that they don’t already own? Before you say, "Duh, gift card!" consider the Mariah Carey‘s Merry Christmas Yule Log DVD.
Not only does this DVD include the original 10 tracks (including "All I Want for Christmas Is You") from Carey’s classic holiday album, you can listen to said songs while enjoying one of three wintery images. The recipient can chose from the classic crackling "yule log" display, the always popular "hearth and tree" view, or the third option, which I call the "I’ve locked myself out of the chalet and my friends have passed out and can’t let me back in" background. You can almost feel the frostbite setting in as you watch the snow come down and observe the glow from the fireplace flickering in the windows of the cabin in the just-too-far distance. ($11.99)