For the Sapphic Scenester
1. Smart phone protector. A scenester’s smart phone isn’t just a phone or gaming platform — it is an extension of herself. It is her vestigial twin. While most people don’t need an extra limb or organ, a scenester cannot survive without her smart phone. Without the ability to text “hey gurl hey” and “where u at?” and “u betta get ur ass to CDLF at USL or imma cut u xx maggie c” every five minutes, a scenester loses her voice. She becomes silenced, and silence equals death.
The longer a scenester has been in the scene, the more women she has undoubtedly been with. Some have racked up a body count higher than that of a Tarantino film. This, of course, can lead to unpleasant encounters commonly known as “dyke drama.” Smart phone applications like Foursquare and Facebook Places are essential tools for a scenester. Foursquare displays the location of those you follow on a map. It’s sort of like a magic wand that reveals the location of landmines in a combat situation. Did Jane Does #12 and #25 just check into Cubbyhole? Better go to Stonewall instead.
Unfortunately, scenesters also tend to drink a lot, and this can lead to clumsiness, and clumsiness can lead to dropped phones, and dropped phones can lead to broken phones, and broken phones lead to broken souls.This is why a scenester’s sacred iPhone, Android or Blackberry must be protected like the Hope Diamond. In fact, if you threw the Hope Diamond and a scenester’s new Droid 2 off a cliff at the same time, the scenester will dive after the Droid, screaming “My precious!” like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
A sturdy smart phone protector is all a scenester needs to protect her lifeline, her baby, her precious. ($27)
2. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer. You will get sweaty. Your eye makeup will run. Bathroom lines at lesbian parties are longer than bread lines in the former Soviet Union. It’s not even worth waiting in line to pee, so it’s definitely not worth waiting in line to reapply your makeup. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer is like super glue for eye makeup. Don’t leave home without it. ($26)
3. Flask. Scenesters go out a lot. Drinks are expensive. We’re still in a recession. The end. ($5+)
4. Hazmat suit. Uh-oh. Here comes your toxic ex. I hope you have one of these handy. ($95)
5. Civilian mask. Sometimes, a hazmat suit and Foursquare just aren’t enough. Going to Dinah Shore? Better throw in one of these, too. ($27)