AfterEllen.com’s 2009 Naughty or Nice List

 
 

Everything Elisabeth Hasselbeck knows about lesbians she learned from Jesus — and Sarah Palin

Every time Elisabeth Hasselbeck opens her mouth to talk about gay people, we are reminded of the backwoods, home-schooled children in Mean Girls who explain evolution thus: “And on the eighth day, God created the Remington Bolt-Action rifle, so that man could protect himself from the dinosaurs — and the homosexuals.”

The View co-host tackled gay issues several times this year, and her own verbal evolution on the subject ran the gamut from ignorant to insane.

In March, when Oprah spotlighted lesbians who come out later in life, Hasselbeck wondered if it is because of “hormonal” changes. In May, when Carrie Prejean found herself in the middle of a sex-tape scandal, Hasselbeck jumped to her defense, claiming that she was the target of a “liberal witch hunt.” She suggested that the sex tapes would never have surfaced if Prejean had come out in favor of gay marriage.

She defended gay-bashing politicians who were publicly outed, claiming that they were being bullied into legislating based on their personal beliefs. (Irony? Anyone?)

Finally, in December, when asking Portia de Rossi why gay people need to use the word “married” when referring to their spouses, Hasselbeck let loose with this little gem: “Just as an example of that, tangibly, men and women: women want all the rights of men. But they’re not asking to be called men. [...] Is it the word? Is that word more important than the rights?”

Portia calmly, articulately trounced her. She must have had a babel fish stuck in her ear so she could translate the nonsense words to English.

Tila Tequila comes out on Twitter, over and over and over again.

One lazy afternoon this autumn, Twhirl started dinging on the millisecond like a lost watch alarm that goes off every afternoon, but you can’t find it because it stops chirping as soon as you get the couch pulled away form the wall. Sadly, this disaster was much bigger than a misplaced time piece. Tila Tequila was coming out as a full-blown lesbian on Twitter.

The rapid-fire succession of Tweets went like this:

And now the fame whore reality star has announced her engagement to Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, saying:

This is exclusive and going to be all over the news tomorrow … tonight, my girlfriend has asked me to marry her! We’re what you call U-Haul lesbians, where you meet and fall in love and move in the next day and have kids.

That loud whoop of joy you hear? It’s the National Organization for Marriage. Their 2010 campaign commercials just wrote themselves.

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