While Santa Claus is making his final preparations and working to crank out just a few more Sue Sylvester action figures before Christmas Eve, he asked us to help with his delivery schedule. We took a look at his list, checked it twice, and now we’ve found out who’s naughty and who’s nice.
Actually, we kind of already knew.
We were happy to see that our notes agreed with Santa’s on almost every count. He must read AfterEllen.com during his free time.
Everyone say hi to Santa. (Hi, Santa!) We’re sure he won’t mind if we share the list with you.
2009′s NAUGHTY LIST!
Rosie O’Donnell tells Howard Stern that she and Angelina Jolie almost happened
Rarely does a pop culture pronouncement cause the entire world to do a who-the-what-now double-take — but that’s exactly what happened in October when Rosie O’Donnell told Howard Stern that before Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie liked Rosie. You know, liked her, liked her.
“She gave me her phone number,” Rosie told Stern. “We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through.”
Then she took a turn to OvershareVille: “I was a little afraid of her,” Rosie said. “She’s scary in a sexual kind of way. I have dreams about her a lot still.”
In the same interview, she stirred up old rumors that Oprah Winfrey and her BFF Gayle King are in the throes of (emotional) lesbianism:
I don’t know that she and Gayle are necessarily doing each other, but I think they are the emotional equivalent of [being gay]. When they did that road trip, that’s as gay as it gets, and I don’t mean it to be an insult. I’m just saying, listen, if you ask me, that’s a couple.
Maybe Rosie O. doesn’t deserve a lump of clean coal in her stocking, but we’re certainly not going to buy her “Tomb Raider: Underworld” for PS3. If she plays that before bed, she’ll never sleep again. (And we’re pretty sure she’s not getting anything from Oprah Claus either.)
Carrie Prejean becomes America’s spokesperson for Opposite Marriage
We can’t imagine what it’s like to stand on a stage and share our opinions on the socio-political matters of the day with a packed theater and a TV audience of millions of people. Actually, that’s a lie; we practice that very thing in front of our mirror every day. But who’s to say that when the time comes that we’ll be able to express ourselves confidently and articulately?
Of course, we’ve never had any formal training. We haven’t entered any local competitions or won any statewide pageants that would suggest we should be skilled at public speaking. And besides, we didn’t put Carrie Prejean on our coal-getting list because she sounded like a moron in the Miss USA Pageant; we put her on our list because of her platform on same-sex marriage.
When she was asked in the final round of the Miss USA Pageant if all states should legalize same-sex marriage, she said:
Well, I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and I believe that it should be between a man and a woman.
She lost the competition.
And then she went on a political rampage, telling any media outlet that would listen how the gays had cost her the crown.
I was being dared — in front of the entire world — to give a candid answer to a serious question. I knew if I told the truth, I would lose all that I was competing for: the crown, the luxury apartment in New York City, the large salary — everything that went with the Miss USA title. I also knew, or suspected, that I was the front-runner, and if I gritted my teeth and gave the politically correct answer, I could be Miss USA.
God was testing her, she said.
We assume that God sides with Santa (and us) on this one. Test results for Carrie Prejean: Ultimate Fail.