AfterEllen.com’s 2009 Anti-Gift Guide

 
 

With only a week left until Christmas (or whatever seasonal event you celebrate that involves giving acquaintances ugly sweaters), everyone is brimming over with helpful hints to give your nearest and dearest. We offered up our own seasonal gift-giving guide earlier this month. But just as they say it’s the thought that counts, sometimes it’s what you don’t give that means the most. With that I give you the AfterEllen.com Queer Lady Anti-Gift Guide.

These are top five gifts you should not, under any circumstance, give the queer women in your life:

5. Two and a Half Men complete series DVD set.

Granted, the series isn’t over yet so there will continue to be even more episodes of gratuitous, misogynistic middle-aged dude humor to add to the collection. But I think the only way a self-respecting gay lady can be a fan of this show is if she watches with the sound muted just to see all of Charlie’s hot dates.

4. The Necky

Look, a Snuggie or a Slanket are barely acceptable gifts (mostly for the kitsch factor), but the madness must stop somewhere. Do note be fooled: This is a fleece dickey. Gay women of the world, do not fall into this trap. We are already maligned (fairly or unfairly) for our fashion sense enough. Also, stop slandering the scarf. What has it ever done to you but keep your neck warm and look effortlessly fashionable when worn by French ladies?

3. An eHarmony membership

Not only does eHarmony discriminate against gay and lesbian couples (their separate Compatible Partners site does not equal acceptance), but this gift also means the gift givers thinks you are a sad, lonely pathetic person in need of serious dating help. Multiple fails on multiple levels.

2. A shot at love with Tila Tequila

Now that she’s back on the market (I think, I don’t know, I don’t want to expend the IQ points necessary to find out for sure) some poor, misguided soul might want to try to attempt a love connection with the MySpace celebrity, reality contestant, Twitter overshare queen. No good could ever come of this. In fact, a more appropriate gift would be to give Tila her a lifetime membership to the Heterosexuals Only Club. She’s not helping our cause. Please, straight America, take her back.

1. A pap smear.

This one seems like a joke, but really, really isn’t. In fact, CBS is actively encouraging men to give the women in their lives pap smears this holiday season. Why? Because nothing says “may your days be merry and bright” like a shiny, new speculum. While I understand the sentiment (i.e. Hey ladies, be healthy and take care of your lady business), it’s the execution that needs considerable work. I mean, was that a bagel and cream cheese joke in the Hannukah PSA? This is the final and definitive definition of DO NOT WANT.

So, there you have it. Avoid these gifts this holiday season and you will be guaranteed to not see the dreaded “present face.” You know the one: “Oh, [frozen smile] you shouldn’t have.” And one more bonus tip: No toaster ovens. We already all have one; it came with the membership. Merry whatever you celebrate this season.