Grace Chu: Love and Suicide. The title leaves nothing to the imagination, so why bother watching the film? This is the opening scene.
This is the closing scene.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: If you want to see bad acting and lesbians acting stupid and suicidal, then by all means, see this film! If you make it to the end of this film without taking a cue from the main characters by chasing pills with booze in an attempt to put yourself out of the abject misery that is the act of watching this film, you must be one of those people impervious to torture “enhanced interrogation techniques.”
Dara Nai: When I think “bad lesbian movie,” sadly, too many of them come to mind. The list is like a roster of ex-girlfriends: the too-dramatic one, the seriously-flawed one, the self-important one, the not-attractive one, and the what-the-eff-were-you-thinking one. But if I have to choose the worst lesbian movie ever, my pick would be Everything Relative. Originally billed as the lesbian Big Chill, this film single-handedly ruined the idea that putting the word “lesbian” in front of something else makes it even better.
Set during a weekend in Northampton, MA, the film reunites a group of old college friends who take turns regurgitating the past and spouting women’s studies ideology while wearing overalls. Poke my eyes out with a pencil, I beg of you. Time slows to a crawl, even when they’re singing, dancing and yes, playing softball. If you’re ever given a year to live, move to Northampton with these ladies — it’ll feel like an eternity.
Stilted acting, horrible soapbox sermons masquerading as dialogue, dull directing, and did I mention bad acting? This one has it all. But like ex-girlfriends, I guess Everything Relative does serve a purpose: It makes us appreciate how far we’ve come, taught us to expect better, and gives us something mortifying to laugh about.
Lesley Goldberg: I know I’m asking for it, but despite numerous attempts I just can’t seem to get through D.E.B.S. I agree, they’re all hot. But the dialogue. The acting. I just … can’t. Some things are best seen and not heard.
Heather Hogan: The worst lesbian movie ever is Bring It On. You’ve got Torrence over here on one side, being a cheertator and a pain in the ass. And on the other side, you’ve got Missy Pantone, right? And she’s total captain material. Captain of Torrence’s heart! They start out as enemies. Standard. Them comes the light flirting. Then comes the foreplay. (“See, I’m a hardcore gymnast. No way jumping up and down yelling ‘Go Team Go!’ is gonna satisfy me.”) It’s a complete Darcy/Elizabeth hate-sex feedback loop. They fall in love. Blah, blah, nationals. And then, out of the blue clear sky, Torrence ends up with Missy’s brother? Brrr. It’s cold in here. There must be some bulls–t in the atmosphere.
Trish Bendix: I can’t decide between Girl Play and Big Dreams in Little Hope (also called Mom). The first is about these two lesbian actresses who star as lovers in a play together and end up falling for one another. The second is about two lesbians who are forced to work together and end up falling for one another. Both are equally difficult to watch in how predictable and poorly-written they are, how much chemistry the leads don’t have together, and the regret I felt having taken the time to rent the DVDs and watch them. Bad.
Your turn to sound off: Worst lesbian flick ever?