There are certain films that you end up watching once you come out as anything other than straight. As a queer woman, you’ve probably seen a handful of movies that were all about girls falling in love. Some of them are beautifully written, impeccably acted heartfelt pieces of cinema – and some are ridiculously cheesy or just plain cringe-inducing.
That’s right – we’re talking about bad lesbian movies. They exist, and you’ve seen them, maybe even more than once. So you have feelings about them, just like we do. We’ll go first, just to give you some inspiration.
Ready? What’s the worst lesbian movie ever made?
Courtney Gillettte: I might get a lot of flack for this, but my least-favorite-of-all-times lesbian flick is Kissing Jessica Stein. Truth be told, it’s been years since I’ve seen it, but the Hollywood take on girl-girl dating has always left a sour taste in my mouth. Queer lady relationships finally get a bit of air time on the big screen, and you immediately throw lesbian death bed, struggle for family acceptance, and intimacy issues into the plot? What about awesome community, supportive friends, and, well, a really rad sex life? Sure, sure, part of the movie’s message is about having an “open mind” blah blah blah. But, in my world, I’m not queer because I have an “open mind,” I’m queer because I’m queer. Let’s see Hollywood try a rom com about that truth.
Dorothy Snarker: Bar Girls is the worst lesbian movie ever – possibly worst movie ever, period. When going through your, “I must watch every lesbian movie ever made” phase, you will inevitably stumble across Bar Girls. It’s so terrible, it might make you question your sexual orientation. It’s so terrible, it’s a rite of passage. As in, “Oh, you sat through Bar Girls? Yeah, you’re really gay.”
The only way to improve Bar Girls is if the filmmakers never made the movie and instead invested the money into a nice mutual fund and then, years later, withdrew that money and handed every lesbian who in the future would have watched a few dollars as an apology for even considering making a movie that terrible.
Mia Jones: I have to go with Lost and Delirious. That was the biggest piece of crap I ever wasted more than two minutes on and that’s only because the first five minutes were hot enough to sit through. It’s been a long time since my first and final viewing – but I remember walking away being like, “Really? A bird metaphor? She (spoiler alert) kills herself!?! WTF!”
I would sit through Bar Girls three times if it meant never having to even think about this movie again – and that’s saying a lot for me.
The Linster: Years ago, shortly after I came out, I went to my first gay film festival. I was beyond excited because one evening was devoted to lesbian movies and shorts. (Film shorts, I mean. Jean shorts were optional.) The cast and crew of a feature length film, Go Fish, would be in attendance. Since the only lesbian feature I knew about was Desert Hearts, I couldn’t wait to see this new “indie” from actual lesbian creators.
I admit that my taste in movies differs from other lesbians, but I still don’t get the hype over Go Fish. I actually got a little queasy watching it. I’ve tried to watch it again at various times since, but I just can’t get past the complete lack of chemistry between the two main characters Max and Ely. As bad as subsequent movies I saw like Claire of the Moon and Bar Girls were, I can never forget my first. I will keep trying, though.
Grace Chu: Love and Suicide. The title leaves nothing to the imagination, so why bother watching the film? This is the opening scene.
This is the closing scene.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: If you want to see bad acting and lesbians acting stupid and suicidal, then by all means, see this film! If you make it to the end of this film without taking a cue from the main characters by chasing pills with booze in an attempt to put yourself out of the abject misery that is the act of watching this film, you must be one of those people impervious to torture “enhanced interrogation techniques.”
Dara Nai: When I think “bad lesbian movie,” sadly, too many of them come to mind. The list is like a roster of ex-girlfriends: the too-dramatic one, the seriously-flawed one, the self-important one, the not-attractive one, and the what-the-eff-were-you-thinking one. But if I have to choose the worst lesbian movie ever, my pick would be Everything Relative. Originally billed as the lesbian Big Chill, this film single-handedly ruined the idea that putting the word “lesbian” in front of something else makes it even better.
Set during a weekend in Northampton, MA, the film reunites a group of old college friends who take turns regurgitating the past and spouting women’s studies ideology while wearing overalls. Poke my eyes out with a pencil, I beg of you. Time slows to a crawl, even when they’re singing, dancing and yes, playing softball. If you’re ever given a year to live, move to Northampton with these ladies — it’ll feel like an eternity.
Stilted acting, horrible soapbox sermons masquerading as dialogue, dull directing, and did I mention bad acting? This one has it all. But like ex-girlfriends, I guess Everything Relative does serve a purpose: It makes us appreciate how far we’ve come, taught us to expect better, and gives us something mortifying to laugh about.
Lesley Goldberg: I know I’m asking for it, but despite numerous attempts I just can’t seem to get through D.E.B.S. I agree, they’re all hot. But the dialogue. The acting. I just … can’t. Some things are best seen and not heard.
Heather Hogan: The worst lesbian movie ever is Bring It On. You’ve got Torrence over here on one side, being a cheertator and a pain in the ass. And on the other side, you’ve got Missy Pantone, right? And she’s total captain material. Captain of Torrence’s heart! They start out as enemies. Standard. Them comes the light flirting. Then comes the foreplay. (“See, I’m a hardcore gymnast. No way jumping up and down yelling ‘Go Team Go!’ is gonna satisfy me.”) It’s a complete Darcy/Elizabeth hate-sex feedback loop. They fall in love. Blah, blah, nationals. And then, out of the blue clear sky, Torrence ends up with Missy’s brother? Brrr. It’s cold in here. There must be some bulls–t in the atmosphere.
Trish Bendix: I can’t decide between Girl Play and Big Dreams in Little Hope (also called Mom). The first is about these two lesbian actresses who star as lovers in a play together and end up falling for one another. The second is about two lesbians who are forced to work together and end up falling for one another. Both are equally difficult to watch in how predictable and poorly-written they are, how much chemistry the leads don’t have together, and the regret I felt having taken the time to rent the DVDs and watch them. Bad.
Your turn to sound off: Worst lesbian flick ever?
