Dani has rocked Tila’s world because she "has the soft touch of a woman, but you can be tough like a man, and with you I get to have the best of both worlds." She digs Bobby because he has made her laugh, she feels comfortable with him, and he has fought for her "literally."
It comes down to one key, and Tila presents it to … Bobby!
Oh. My. God. Bobby? I never would have guessed. Tila ends up with a dude? This is crazy!
Bobby is speechless, and so is Dani. But for completely different reasons.
Dani walks away as the two of them embrace and as we are "treated" to an endless montage of all of Tila’s kissing sessions with the two of them.
Tila then snaps out of her reverie and squeaks, "Oh my gosh, Dani!" and goes running after her. She calls after Dani to wait, and she does, and Tila rewards her with a chaste embrace.
She gives her the obligatory weepy speech about how much she cares about her and how it’s not "easy" for her to dump Dani. Tila tells Dani, "Please tell your family and all the firefighters that I say goodbye and take care." (And while you’re at, please tell the firefighters that she’ll probably be available again in a few months if they want her to come back for repeat performance.)
Tila loves Dani, but she’s in love with Bobby. This is as baffling to Dani as it is to me. Dani is shocked and hurt, but she looks fabulous. Sitting on the curb wearing her black vest and silver tie, she looks like she should be waiting for Nicole Kidman to come kiss her in a Chanel ad. Something tells me that Dani is gonna be just fine.
Like me, Bobby can’t believe that Tila picked him. Tila takes him by the hand and says: "Come inside, my lover, my boo. I could be your wifey."
I think Bobby said something in response, but I missed it because the "my lover" comment immediately sent me on a Saturday Night Live flashback to the skits in which Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch played that creepy, poetry-spouting, ass-grabbing couple who called each other "my lovah." And my 5-second memory of that SNL bit was way more entertaining than the last 56 minutes of this show.
Tila closes the show by happily spouting "I ended up with a man!" as if it’s the wildest, most unpredictable thing she’s ever done in her entire life, the likes of which has never been seen before in the history of reality television. Oh Tila, if only that were true.