“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: “I Choose …”


Tila is moved and is "over dinner" and "ready to get down to some cuddling and some snuggling." Huh? Why does Bobby get to maul her while Dani only gets to hold her while they talk? Tila raves about their "deep connection," but she doesn’t seem overly turned on by her. Where is Dani’s lap dance? If Tila really cared about her, she’d be giving her one Right. Now.

Dani, like the rest of us, is dumbfounded by the fact that Tila still hasn’t made up her mind already and chosen her. I mean seriously, Bobby? Really?

On her last date with Bobby, Tila tells us that she is "expecting a lot" from him. And apparently he can expect a lot from her, because she arranges to meet him at the grotto and strips down to her tiny little bathing suit immediately upon arrival. She is already wearing 78 percent less clothing with Bobby than she did with Dani on their date. How is this fair? And they’re drinking champagne! Dani and Tila had red wine. What the hell?

Tila ribs him about being nervous for their date, as well as for all of their previous dates. But she stops bitching at him when he gives her a present. It’s a "song book" in which she can write, and it includes a squishy note he wrote to her inside. It will be a great place for her to create songs like "Knock U Out." Here’s a sample of that little ditty:

Pour my drink get down like WHAT?
Down like WHAT?
Down like WHAT?
Pour my drink get down like WHAT?
Down like WHAT?
Down like WHAT?
Slap on the extra makeup
I’ll be on the grind tryin’ to get my cake up
It’s R.J. bras and rockin’ Marc Jacobs
All day flossin’, f—in’ ya’ll face up
You try to Photoshop your face up
Ever since you put your MySpace up
I break rules, my s—’s forbidden
You look like a dude, this bitch is straight trippin’

They frolic in the pool for a while, then when they get out she asks Bobby what he would think if she picked Dani over him. He admits that Dani might provide the "best of both worlds" because "she’s not like everyone … like lesbians, what they call ‘butchy,’ but she’s not butchy. She dresses really good, kinda like me." I guess he didn’t get the "futch" memo.

Bobby and Tila make out, and if Dani saw this and compared it to her own date with Tila, she’d know that she isn’t going to win.

Judgment day — Tila looks nervous (and extremely well-coiffed) as she walks on water (OK, Plexiglass — it’s a trick she learned from Tyra on Top Model) to get to the special outdoor elimination platform that’s been erected for this auspicious occasion. It’s no accident that they’re made to walk down an aisle to get to Tila. I think it’s a setup for the sequel, A Shotgun Wedding With Tila Tequila.

Tila makes a little speech, telling them why she loves them as they crawl out of their skin waiting for her to just get to it already. Tila tells us that she now realizes that "it’s not about being with a guy or being with a girl. It’s about ratings, publicity, and making the rounds on the late-night talk show circuit."

Oops. Sorry, that was the speech I wrote for Tila. Her version goes like this: "It’s not about being with a guy or being with a girl. It’s about who’s the best for me."

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