“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: “I Choose …”

 
 

Back on the bus, y’all — Dani wakes up crabby because she didn’t sleep well. She spent the night stressing over the prospect of being eliminated, and she’s over the "up and down" of the competition. She tells us that she’s never been this stressed out over a girl, and furthermore, she’s "never been this in touch with my feelings. It’s ridiculous!"

Everyone is in touch with their emotions in this episode. Tila waxes poetic about how much she’s bonded with all of the contestants and how "when you eliminate someone, they take a piece of you with them." (I’m thinking Vanessa just took some stuff from the liquor cabinet when she left.) She makes it sound like she’s been having real relationships with these strangers, not hosting a reality dating show. It’s weird.

Bobby and Dani head downstairs to pick up their last message in a bottle from Tila. This time, the message isn’t a challenge, it’s a gift. She is sending them off to be pampered, a little trade-off for the stress she knows they’re experiencing as they await the final elimination tonight.

Dani receives her first pedicure (Bobby gets his second — remember the last spa day, when Michael B. got his ass waxed?) and recalls fondly her journey from skeptical suitor (telling another contestant, "You gave it up way too fast" after she made out with Tila on the first night) to love-stoned celezbrity.

We’re treated to a montage of Favorite Dani and Tila moments (also known as Tila Goes to Gay School), including when Tila asked her about her first sexual experience with another girl, when Tila asked her why she wasn’t wearing girlie clothes, Dani feeding Tila some food, Tila working the pole at Dani’s fire station, and some of their hottest kisses. All to the strains of the Indigo Girls’ "Least Complicated." Lame.

Bobby is feeling wistful too. We see a montage of Bobby’s most memorable moments, including eating a bull’s penis, getting his ass kicked by crazy Ashley, and the romantic ambulance ride to the hospital with Tila afterwards. And he remembers the good ol’ days when he used to think that his only competition was the men. But now he finds himself sitting across from his lone competitor, a chick in a tie. Ain’t it a kick in the pants?

Last chance for love — Tila still hasn’t made up her mind as to who she’s going to pick, and she has one last date with each of the contestants to help her do just that. Her first date is with Dani, who promptly proposes a romantic toast to her lady.

Dani has turned a corner and now seems to be totally head over heels (or as Christine Baranski as Maryann Thorpe on Cybill once said, "heels over head") for Tila. She tells us: "I’ve never dated a girl to where my mom has met them, my grandma’s gotten a lap dance already, they’ve been to her house and we’ve had dinner under a dildo chandelier, and then her t— popping out. This is crazy!"

At dinner Dani makes her own final sales pitch to Tila: "I’m telling you now, I think I’m the best one for you here that’s left. I really like you, I want to get to know you more without all this crap around us. I think we’d have a great time together. I think it would work, man. I think it would work."

Then she surprises Tila with a curious little gift, a leather key chain. Is it sexual, you know, as in leather? Is it about having a key to her heart? Do tell! Dani unfolds the leather casing around the key to reveal a little note she’s written to Tila. It reads, "I’ll always be here for you," and includes her phone number (which the producers have wisely blurred because you obsessive lesbians are cuh-razy!)

It’s a sweet gesture, but is it a winning gesture? If Dani wins, won’t Tila already have her number? I’m not sure that it sends a good subliminal message. It already makes her look like a gracious loser.

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