“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: “I Choose …”

 
 

Worse yet, the three of them then do then photo shoot together. It looks like a still from some sort of demented Tarzan and Jane and Jane Goodall movie. And once again, Dani is at a disadvantage.

Bobby gets to rock a loincloth. (Yes, I said gets to. I played Tarzan as a kid and I loved my homemade loincloth. You can climb trees faster in them and, unlike husky size Toughskins, they breathe.) But Dani is stuck in a fruity wraparound skirt and spandex top. To be fair, Bobby is wearing even more makeup than Dani. I haven’t seen this much eyeliner since I last went to a Kurt Russell double feature.

This is where I could go off on my women’s studies rant about how all the iconic romantic images in popular culture are heterosexual, how the posing of Bobby and Tila in the photograph taps into a vast heterocentric mythology, and how heterosexuality has its own built-in public relations department with which gay (or bi) love simply cannot compete.

But I won’t do that to you.

I’ll just say that Bobby and Tila are wrapped around each other like a couple of orangutans while Dani is stuck on the outside, clutching at Tila’s bikini and wearing an "I smell stinky cheese" look on her face. Bobby has no problem posing with two scantily clad women, but Dani is skeeved out by being anywhere in the vicinity of Bobby’s baby oil-soaked pecs.

Which is exactly the look Bobby would have on his face if he had to pose with Tila and, oh, say Ryan. He’d be so freaked out about their potential crossing of swords that he probably wouldn’t even remember to suck in his gut and pout for the camera.

Good vibrations — Tila ducks out of the photo shoot to go home and prepare for a very special dinner. The "huge surprise" she has for them is that she’s invited their families to dine with them. Bummer. I was hoping for a Survivor-style jury of peers who would deliberate on who Tila should pick and why. I could stand to hear one more speech from Ashley, couldn’t you?

Sadly, Dani’s granny is not in attendance. Dani’s mother and (boy) cousin are there, and Bobby’s mother, stepfather and brother are there too. Tila gives them a tour of her crib, and they don’t have to see much of the house (or the pool) for Bobby’s mother to get dollar signs in her eyes. She is on point tonight, and begins to kiss Tila’s shapely little ass right away. No more storming off from the table or barking "I’m not impressed" at Bobby’s potential future meal ticket.

As Diana Ross once sang, Bobby’s mom is going to make Tila love her. Yes she is, yes she is.

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